Love and bonding

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Do you believe that it is possible for aspies to have an incredibly close bond with their partner?

I believe yes and Alex is an example with his gf.

I do. And I have one.

I was looking at some articles online and they said how aspies never want to commit and are happiest when they spend long hours apart.

It made me sad. I'm not like that.

When I fall in love I want it to be amazing. Yes, the "not knowing what to say" issue will no doubt be there alot of the time but with love that deep, it will not matter.

Anyone else want it to be like this? (not that I'm offering lol)

I am happy for you Cowboy and for Alex.

I want to be like that some day.

I am also happy to say YES,have a great relationship, much better since being diagnosed and understanding myself.

Great recent article on Love and Asperger's syndrome, may help a little..

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main. ... ergers.xml

That article confuses me even more.
The first paragraph reads as if they have an amazing bond but the next bit reads as if they do need plenty of time apart.

"In a few days, though, Keith will drive back to Wickham, Hampshire, 50 miles away, where he lives alone and works as a computer programmer. This will always be the case. Despite meeting five years ago, they won't 'progress' as other couples do. They'll neither live together nor have children. "

I want to spend lots and lots of time with my loved one, to live together and to not want to be apart for very long.

Not to say that you can't have a great bond when you need to be apart alot but that's not what I'd want from a relationship.

Do other aspies not feel this way then?

I married my first wife at 19yo. We spent more time apart than together, usually as her choice. It lasted 17 years. Not very pleasant years, at that. Not for her, nor for me.

I married my present wife, FirstInLine, over 30 years ago. About three years ago, I discovered AS and we have been researching it together since I retired from herding kids in mid-January. I think she has had as many "AH-HA!" revelations about me as have I. To say she has had to be patient, understanding and willing to stand back when neccesary would be an understatement.

I remember her meeting me at the door more than once and telling me she had a week end or a week or half a month planned out for me. The road bike would be packed with rods, tackle, a rifle and a shotgun, ammo, food, clothes and the single tent. Her parting words were always the same, "Go blow the stink off." She would handle my company for me until I returned, much the better for the alone time.

It can happen. I have had to work at it, but all marriages/relationships which are worthy have to be worked at. This is not because we are autistic/AS or anything else, but because we are human. If it is worth it to both of you, you can make it work.

Pops

I think that it's possible. Look at all the members here, who have partners.

I'm 19 and i've never had a girlfriend. But I can tell you the last thing i'd want is to be apart from her for long periods of time if I did have one. In my mind my ideal situation would be spending hours on end just sitting with her, not doing much. Just sitting and hugging her. It probably sounds wierd, but that's all i've ever wanted.

It doesn't sound weird, it's all I've ever wanted too.

I think that I would still need the odd afternoon or day to myself but that's all.

Thanks for your replies.

To me, it makes sense to love someone and also spend hours in a locked room by yourself. He and I are about to move into a house, but we made sure it was a three bedroom house. Since he's learned more about Aspergers, and I about relationships, we both agree that I need my own private "cave" with a computer. No one else will be aloud in there unless given permission by me. This will be a place for me to recuperate, not to have any form of socialization forced upon me.

The more time I spend with my girlfriend- whether it's us actually being in the same room together, or her text messaging me, on the phone, or typing to me online...or even sending me an email- the more I WANT to be with her. I realize there will be times in our relationship when we're not always able to see each other, and many times to an extent that can be an obstacle in a relationship- but it's one we can overcome together. I love her more than anything, and when there's long periods of time in between text messages, or something like that- I confess- I actually get a bit nervous that I haven't heard from her.

Yes, I do enjoy spending time alone. But there's spending time with various people...and there's spending time with her. Big difference- and it means a WORLD of difference, I assure you.

I believe it is possible for an Aspie to believe that they have “an incredibly close bond with their partner”, however this is a matter of perspective.

I have been married for more than 25 years, until I was diagnosed with AS last year, I thought we had a good marriage and were close. However, after a significant amount of self-discovery, research and counselling, I have discovered my belief was based on my own perception of the situation; not that of my partner’s nor those around me!

Whilst I genuinely considered myself caring, sensitive, empathic, etc; others saw me as overly logic, analytical, unfeeling, and selfish (in as much as I tend to live in my own world), equally my wife did identify some positives, e.g., loyalty. It is only the tolerance and giving of others that allowed me to live in my delusional world!
Hence I believe that whilst Aspies can develop close bonds with their partner, this is purely and logically limited to the frame of reference of an Aspie not that of an NT.

A cat raised with dogs may believe it is a dog, and a good dog at that, however, all the real dogs will know that it is really a cat.

Good article and I guess sadly I can identify with it.

My ex was the type that always needed a confirmation of togetherness...(not sure how to word that).

If we were out together I should have been holding his hand, if we were sitting in the room together I should have been sitting right next to him. I loved him very much, but I just don't have that "constant on" feature...honestly it was stressful being with someone who did.

I need "alone time"....it's time where I can relax and not have to worry about what I say or do and how it will affect someone else. Out of all my relationships over the years that has always been a problem...if I needed time alone I either "didn't care" or I was "seeing someone else"...which was far from the case. The more I withdrew...needing to recharge...the more the other person usually pushed for more until things usually just broke down.

I think men may have it easier in that aspect (not all do though)...they are often encouaraged to go fishing, go hunting, go ride the quad...etc...take a break..a woman is often looked at "you need to be alone?...whatever the heck for?"

Having that kind of close bond is something I always fantasize about.
I think it would be bliss...
From the few times I've come close to it, that's the way it seemed.
I may not know the details of how a close relationship works... Some things may be hard for me to deal with, but it doesn't deter me from hoping.