likelihood with AS that your children are on the spectrum

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I'm now facing the fact that my oldest son very likely will be marrying with the next couple of years. He has met a lovely girl, and they are talking marriage. I'm all for it!

This is the son who I think has a mild form of asperger's, but never was diagnosed because we didn't find out about asperger's until the younger son was diagnosed with HFA.

I've been reading lots of articles by Aspie adults who, once married, end up having children on the spectrum.

Does anyone out there know of studies or articles that tell what the percentage is of parents on the spectrum having children on the spectrum?

And I'm also feeling like I'm in the uncomfortable position of wondering if I need to talk about this with the happy couple . . .

Kris

If he waas NT, would you talk to them about the chances of retardation? His kis MIGHT be on the spectrum. Some of them might end up being VERY smart. Maybe you should let THEM discuss it themselves.

Steve

I have often thought about this in regard to myself. I suspect I have AS. If I ever do meet anyone and get married, I can't worry about whether a child of mine might be on the spectrum. I also worry about Down Syndrome because of my age, and the effects of medication I use to treat a seizure disorder. A child of mine could wind up being very messed up because of me. There is a good chance something could end up being wrong. I hope that, if I did have a child with difficulties, I could find a way to help him or her. My kindergarten teacher once said that I would never learn English because I wasn't smart enough. I wound up with a Master's in English and all of my jobs have been dependent on use of English in some capacity.

I've always believed that if one is wanting to have children, then they need to be prepared for anything. Anything can happen, and sometimes it does. I think parents need to be open to the possibility that their child may not be "normal", and be able to accept that if it happens, no matter if they're on the spectrum or not.

I have had 4 children. One NT, one PDD-NOS, one Kanners autism, and one that was stillborn due to a severe birth defect. I'm not diagnosed, but I think that it's probable that I have AS. I also have a brother that I'm positive has AS. He is not married, but he would like to have a family someday. I have explained the genetic likelihood that his children may be on the spectrum, and that they may be AS, or Kanners. He admitted that he would probably not be very good at caring for any child with special needs, and even though I love my brother, and think he's a good person, I have to agree. He can barely look after himself, and he has no patience what so ever.

If you want a number: I would guess 1/20, the same as parents of one autistic kid having another.
This isn't exact, could be less, depending on the girlfriends "aspieness"!

Steve -- I am letting them discuss this themselves (in fact, today I found out that they have already). Yes, it is likely that anything could happen, from a very easy, brilliant child could be born to them, to a fully blown autistic child, which would require much love and care. What I'm saying is, maybe this girl that is my potential daughter-in-law may not know exactly what she's getting in to, and how much should I say? It's somewhat of a responsible position, and I don't want to feel like I'm "hiding" anything.

Also, serenity, you bring up a good point. My AS son is a sweetheart in many ways, and would be a good father, but patience is not his strong suit. I have lived with his often impatient father, and so has he, and I'm fairly sure he would not like to recreate that experience for his own child. But, having said that, I think my husband has developed patience with my second son that he never had with my older son, and so I acknowledge that patience may develop as a result of having a child born on the spectrum, or any child, for that matter!

I know that you can't predict the future, and yes, katrine, I was curious about a number (so thank you for the 1/20 number!) -- I just am kind of throwing this concept around in my head, wondering what the ethics is of talking about the subject/NOT talking about the subject with my son and his potential fiance.

Kris

Just do not be the in-law or other that starts trying to tell them what to do or how to run their lives,
thinking that you know whats best.
yes there is a chance, but life its self is a gamble and sometimes a blessing,
I am autistic, and so is my child's mother, we both have the same thing,
and it looks like so does our child, but he is so smart and a joy and beautiful,
me and his mother are no longer together,
but if I could, I would do it all over again just for this wonderful child.

I actually opted not to have kids in part because of this, and it part because I'm not sure I am capable of that level of responsibility. (It also didn't hurt that my wife already has five children.)

Well, i think its just a matter of making sure they are aware of the genetic problems there is, and observe the child as it grows up in order for an early intervention.

My issue is more a matter of "I don't think I have the capability to raise a child with special needs" rather than "I don't want to have a child with special needs."

Oh, and I forgot to agree... this isn't something you really want to get into. Mention it... PRIVATELY... to your son, and never bring it up again.

My son and I had a nice, natural talk about the subject yesterday while texting on the computer, and he and his significant other have already talked about it and discussed it. So I'm OUT! I don't feel like I need to do anything more.

Kris

The chances aren't that big unless they both have AS. Besides, it's not the autism that makes some of the lower-functioning autistics ret*d, but a co-diagnosis (often unspecified).

Have you and the rest of your family ever been checked for chromosome abnormalities (fragile X ect.)
Don't want to be rude, but my son was checked out when he was diagnosed... then we didn't have that to worry about.

Actually, it's the testing system. They turn out not to be the "opposite" of very bright at all, just to almost always be tested using biased instruments that don't allow them to show their intellects. "Severity" of autism has nothing to do with intellectual skills. There wouldn't be anything wrong if it did, but it doesn't. And because of that I get irked when people (like the original poster) say you can have anything from a very bright child to a severely autistic child, because most children labeled as severely autistic don't even have an intellectual disability, so why are people acting like they're opposites?

Other thing (this in response more to the OP than anything else) that bothers me is... I just don't like the whole idea of talking to someone to warn them that their kids might be a lot like them. It shouldn't be a warning.

I'm autistic, and I have a lot of trouble in everyday life by adulthood, and I'm very certain my parents would not have wanted to be talked into not having me (in fact someone tried to talk my mother into not having me and she didn't agree). My father and brother are also autistic. Nobody in my family was unwanted for having a non-standard neurotype, even one so non-standard as mine. And I've been called both "gifted" and "low functioning" in my lifetime (I consider those both not to be opposites and not to be particularly descriptive of me, and I don't use either term except in discussions such as this one), and my brother was diagnosed as "both gifted and ret*d at once" (those are the exact words) as a kid. Of the three of us I was considered the brightest of the kids and I went on to have the most difficulty functioning in the world as an adult (and about a third of autistic people lose abilities in puberty, in about a sixth that's permanent), so you just can't know these things and you certainly can't treat them as opposites.

As there is a lot of it in my family, including grandparents, siblings, over half my cousins... there's a fair chance my kids will be Aspergic too. But so what? Doesn't worry me in the slightest to be honest, the thought of not having kids because of that 'risk' hadn't even crossed my mind till I read this thread.

Like I said, I know it's a co-disorder that makes some autistics ret*d. I'm fully aware of the fact that many heavily autistics are actually quite intelligent, and not by any means ret*d, and I agree that they shouldn't be treated as if they were ret*d.