do you find it difficult to understand people?

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emmaC
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14 Apr 2008, 11:36 am

My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"
I've never understood that before, that she really was serious. And now I 'm like pissing her ALL the time. I don't mean it though. I told her " I didn't realize I was hurting you. You have to be more clear" And she said "You have to understand! You're not dumb!"

And I said "It's not easy to understand". She answered "Here you go again, you want me to feel sorry about you because of your autism"

But I'm not looking for empathy. Absolutely not. I just want her to understand that i do have difficulties in understanding people. So I guess i can't tell her anymore "Its hard", cause she will just say "You're trying to make me feel sory for you".

And later she said " It wont make any difference if our friendship ends" But she apologized to me after our phone call. I feel s stupid now :( If she only could understand me like other people do. What can I do?



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14 Apr 2008, 11:39 am

I've just learned to deal with the fact that I'm involved in misunderstandings more often than a failed sitcom. I'm friends with people who are used to it, I guess.


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DevonB
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14 Apr 2008, 11:49 am

I've tried to get people who are close to me to read about AS. That way they have a basic understanding about how I operate.

My partner, for example, will understand when I go into sensory over-load, but it drives her nuts when I insist on using the same type of soap all the time. Basically the same thing, but one she gets, the other doesn't make sense to her...unless I explain it.

What I'm saying is...it takes two. I know we have problems communicating, but when someone tells us stuff, you have to take extra time trying to decode what it is they are saying. Often I have to ask questions, like....really? I feel stupid having to confirm stuff with people...but at least I have more chance of getting their message straight.

Paraphrase back to them...."so you are saying is......blah, blah blah...." That gives them a chance to correct you if you got it wrong. Or say, "I think you mean that....."

It'll save you in the long run. It can drive people crazy....or not...but they at least know you are listening.

Good Luck!


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sinsboldly
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14 Apr 2008, 11:53 am

emmaC wrote:
My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"
I've never understood that before, that she really was serious. And now I 'm like pissing her ALL the time. I don't mean it though. I told her " I didn't realize I was hurting you. You have to be more clear" And she said "You have to understand! You're not dumb!"

And I said "It's not easy to understand". She answered "Here you go again, you want me to feel sorry about you because of your autism"

But I'm not looking for empathy. Absolutely not. I just want her to understand that i do have difficulties in understanding people. So I guess i can't tell her anymore "Its hard", cause she will just say "You're trying to make me feel sory for you".

And later she said " It wont make any difference if our friendship ends" But she apologized to me after our phone call. I feel s stupid now :( If she only could understand me like other people do. What can I do?


actually, she said it all. It really won't make any difference to her if your friendship ends except for her embarrassment that she feels the way she does about it. You can't un-ring a bell. It must be difficult to have people know you are autistic and can only defend themselves by accusing you of milking their sympathy, rather than adapting themselves to you a little.
I have gone through a lot of 'friends' like this, perhaps you are too.

Merle



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14 Apr 2008, 12:26 pm

If she keeps acting like that, you should find a new friend who will treat you better.



Viola
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14 Apr 2008, 3:02 pm

I had a NT friend who said that if I stopped trying to be different, I would fit in just fine. Some people just don't understand very easily.

It is hard to repair friendships after someone has done damage like saying what your friend said. if you think that this friendship is valuable, by all means, please try to repair it. Everyone says things that they don't mean when they are angry, But if she does things like this a lot, you might want to find some different friends.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Learn from your mistake, and move on.



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14 Apr 2008, 3:56 pm

emmaC wrote:
My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"

Calling you animals?


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emmaC
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15 Apr 2008, 9:01 am

Greyhound wrote:
emmaC wrote:
My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"

Calling you animals?

yeah, well i call her (i joke of course) bird and snake. She has never before been clear when she says "Stop it". But now i won't call her that anymore.



cd1
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15 Apr 2008, 9:09 am

On the other hand, when someone says "stop it", they mean you should stop something. If you're not clear on what you should stop it is more on you to ask them for clarification than it is on them to volunteer it. You have a challenge - they know that - but the challenge is more yours than theirs. That's part of learning how to adapt on the wrong planet. Most people aren't going to care enough to do much adapting to you and you're going to have to eventually learn that in order to be successful in life you have to go 80% of the way while most people go 20% at the most.



grain-and-field
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15 Apr 2008, 9:26 am

emmaC wrote:
My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"




Well, If she actually told you, "stop now", I dont understand why you would still continue......even if you suffer from AS/autism.....



cd1
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15 Apr 2008, 9:29 am

grain-and-field wrote:
Well, If she actually told you, "stop now", I dont understand why you would still continue......even if you suffer from AS/autism.....



It's a common AS symptom to not "get it" when people say that. Either the aspie thinks they aren't serious or doesn't understand what it is the person wants stopped. They miss the cues that indicate rising anger in the subject, which just makes it worse, until there is an incident.



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15 Apr 2008, 4:32 pm

cd1 wrote:
grain-and-field wrote:
Well, If she actually told you, "stop now", I dont understand why you would still continue......even if you suffer from AS/autism.....



It's a common AS symptom to not "get it" when people say that. Either the aspie thinks they aren't serious or doesn't understand what it is the person wants stopped. They miss the cues that indicate rising anger in the subject, which just makes it worse, until there is an incident.

I've done that on too many occasions :?


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Dodgy circuitry! Diagnosed: Tourette syndrome. Suspected: auditory processing disorder, synaesthesia. Also: social and organisation problems. Heteroromantic asexual (though still exploring)


15 Apr 2008, 5:47 pm

Oh god yes. I don't understand why people get upset for no reason. Also I have to ask people what they mean when they said something. like the time I was talking to a guy at work and we were both talking about our cars. He told me he a '87 Nissan Maxima and it only lasted him two years. I asked him what happened with it, he said he ran it to the ground. I didn't understand it because all cars run on the ground but I couldn't understand why running his car on the ground would be bad so I asked what does he mean by it. Did he run it into a ditch or off the road what and he kept saying he ran it to the ground and I kept asking but what did he run into a ditch or off the road. Then I finally asked him how did he run it to the ground and that's when he told me his engine blew and I realized I took it literal when he said he ran his car to the ground. So there I was trying to think outside the box of what he could mean by it so I figured creek or off the ground since they are both on the ground. That be a funny story for me to tell.



sinsboldly
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16 Apr 2008, 11:27 am

grain-and-field wrote:
emmaC wrote:
My friend told me yesterday "You have to stop calling me animals when I tell you to stop!"




Well, If she actually told you, "stop now", I dont understand why you would still continue......even if you suffer from AS/autism.....


suffer from AS/autism

suffer

thanks, I forgot for a moment and wasn't suffering. . . somone has noticed and I will go back to suffering again.

Come on you guys. .. back to suffering! :roll:

Merle



cd1
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16 Apr 2008, 12:40 pm

Dammit, here I was overcoming and now I've got to get back with the suffering. What's up with that?