Are you glad about the time you found out about AS?

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Willard
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19 Apr 2008, 10:57 am

Oooookay. Back to topic. What was the topic, anyway? Oh, yes.

Am I glad to have found out? Oh very much so. As has already been said here, it means so much to know that all those qualities that have made me feel like such a loser all my life are not just my own flawed personality, but an actual physical brain condition, and that others are having these same sorts of experiences. There’s a great deal of - relief – I guess, I’m not sure what to call it, since it’s a feeling I’ve never had and never imagined I could have. An unburdening perhaps.

‘Acting normal’. I don’t know if I do that or not, because until recently I had always been told (insistently) that I was normal, just really bad at it. Yes, I can make and maintain eye contact for periods of time, although it’s not really natural or comfortable, and in a comfortable conversation I will glance at the other party(s) intermittently (just to make sure they’re still listening), then look away. One of the things I’ve come to realize in the last few years, putting 2 and 2 together from some of the blunt and unkind things my OCD partner has said to me, is that while I generally feel that I’m passing for normal on a day-to-day basis, at least in social or work situations where it’s required, I’m not pulling it off as well as I thought (I think the constant stimming gives it away). Apparently people do say things when I’m not around that make it clear that they aren’t fooled for a minute that I’m anything like them at all. So maybe it’s just an illusion to us Aspies that we think we’re faking our way through the NT camp, posing as one of them, when we might as well have a flashing LED “FREAK” sign hovering over our heads.

Besides, at 49, I’m just too tired to try to fake it anymore. Screw the whole NT freakin’ planet. I just want to find a place where I can survive, while keeping my sanity, and be left the hell alone.



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19 Apr 2008, 11:45 am

9CatMom wrote:
I didn't know about AS until 1997. By that time, I already had a Master's in English, and had taught college English for year. I read about the traits of Asperger's, and they fit me. I am glad that I was able to accomplish all of my schooling before AS became well-known.


Hi 9CatMom,

I don't understand; why are you glad about getting through school before AS was recognized?

Is there a stigma associated with AS that would have prevented your accomplishments at this time?

How well-known is "AS", anyway? Oh nm, I'll ask that in a different post.

Thanks.


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sinsboldly
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19 Apr 2008, 11:57 am

Jennyfoo wrote:
I am just glad that I know now. I am glad that I have accepted who I am and no longer fight my true nature. If I had known at an earlier age, I probably would hae been spared a lot of self-loathing, but I think that if I had known when I was younger, that I would have been more comfortable to just retreat into my shell and I would not have had many of the experiences and opportunities that I did. I don't like to step outside my comfort zone and I think that if I had known, I would have used it as a cop-out and an excuse to not push myself. I do that a little bit now, but I'm at a very comfortable place in life and I'm very happy. I cringe to think that I would not have had the courage to move away from home, to jump into college life, because then I would not have met my husband of 11 years and my life would be so much different.


AMEN, Jennyfoo!

I didn't find out till I was almost 60, and now I have to push myself rather than limit myself because I 'have this condition'. I am both happy I know now and sad my parents didn't ever understand what the heck was going on with me. I would have liked to know as a child so my parents could have stopped blaming theirselves (and me).

Merle


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19 Apr 2008, 12:27 pm

Willard wrote:
Oooookay. Back to topic. What was the topic, anyway? Oh, yes.


Perhaps you can refer to my post "Autistics shouldn't hurt each other." in this forum (General Discussion)
If you want to say something, say it.
Be constructive.
Don't be hurtful, please.
Perhaps ... just maybe ... I could use a little bit of constructive support.

Here, why don't I take your personal post and jab you with it a little, just to hurt you some more in life, since we all know Autistics don't suffer enough at NT hands as it is, and we all need more hurt to learn our fkn lesson ... for once!

Thanks for teaching me a lesson.

I'm certain you can understand just how much I really need to be taught more lessons in my life. I need that as much as you probably do. That much ... to that huge and unprecedented extent. Neither of us, I'm sure, can be taught enough lessons ... and this, yes THIS here, is the right place for it.

Willard wrote:
Apparently people do say things when I’m not around that make it clear that they aren’t fooled for a minute that I’m anything like them at all. So maybe it’s just an illusion to us Aspies that we think we’re faking our way through the NT camp, posing as one of them, when we might as well have a flashing LED “FREAK” sign hovering over our heads.

I doubt I would view you as a loser, freak, or anything else. Well, not normally. It depends on how hurtful a person is, for me. You can hang out with hurtful people if you want; I've had enough of that, however. the more you hang out with hurtful people, and the more you are hurt, the more you might feel better getting a little jab in at others - like me, for example.

I don't enjoy the company of NT's, and never did. They are all hurtful, in the end.
No, we're going to be 'eccentric' or 'geeky' - which I guess is a popular one - and we aren't going to appear normal. We aren't normal (like NT's) so why, why, why???? are we supposed to try and be normal? Or appear normal?

If you find your partner hurtful ... why are you with them?

I am not going to deal with hurtful NT's anymore just so I won't be lonely. Being hurt makes me feel more lonely and isolated.

Why not try and accept who and what you are, instead of fighting it?
Autistics tend to be highly sensitive, creative, intelligent, compassionate, gifted - and all other kinds of wonderful - people.
They're not 'normal'; just like you - or me. So that all sounds pretty good to me; people who aren't normal.
Willard wrote:
Besides, at 49, I’m just too tired to try to fake it anymore. Screw the whole NT freakin’ planet. I just want to find a place where I can survive, while keeping my sanity, and be left the hell alone.

It's draining, exhausting, and painful to maintain some fraudulent personality that you just don't have.
I did that through my 20's. I could barely crawl home at the end of the day.
Don't forget to laugh at the appropriate time, and make the laugh as convincingly normal as possible - even though nothing was funny at all ... but it was actually yet another example of humans having 'fun' at someone or something else's expense.
Which is not at all funny ... because; guess who's next on the human 'fun' agenda???
Yeah, you are.
So it isn't funny after all ... it's just more outright horrifying.

Yeah, I agree it's drainging to keep that up.

You probably didn't read all of my previous lengthy post.

I survived - most very well - and was very happy for 9 years in an artists' community.
I survived so well there that I didn't want to be left alone - I wanted to be around people a lot.
I survived so well that I left my studio doors open most of the time - even when I was sleeping - just so my friends could come in anyway. I used to wake up to people and friends enjoying themselves in my home. That was a beautiful feeling. I loved having visitors.

You'd have to read my previous post, though, to understand that I learned I didn't have to do what I did through the wasted years of my 20's, trying to appear NT and normal, but was able to be more and more myself and still be accepted.

Absolutely! Screw the NT planet.
Couldn't agree more.
Maybe you might take a look at my post "Autistics shouldn't hurt each other."

Thank-you for not smacking.


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Jeyradan
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19 Apr 2008, 1:09 pm

It's okay to refer to NTs as a group and AS as a separate group.
I don't think it's okay [not my personal opinion, just a general thing] to refer to NTs as the "humans" and AS as something... well, other than human.
You know, not that I'd actually mind not being human, but still.



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19 Apr 2008, 3:12 pm

Jeyradan wrote:
It's okay to refer to NTs as a group and AS as a separate group.


hi Jeyradan,

"It's ok to ..."
1) Is this a fact, and would you bet everything you have on this fact? Would you bet everything you have - your everything, against my everything - that this is a fact??? :o

Jeyradan wrote:
I don't think it's okay [not my personal opinion,

Is this a fact, and if so, would you want to bet everything you have - against everything I have - on the fact that this is a fact? :wink:

Jeyradan wrote:
You know, not that I'd actually mind not being human, but still.

But still ... what?

Let's see:
What is "human"?

Is is not the body; that is the body of an intelligent mammal called a 'homo-sapiens'.

It is not intelligence; that is the intelligence of an intelligent mammal called a ' homo-sapiens'.

So what, then is "human"?

Human, then is the intangible traits of the human mind, by which humans identify themselves as human.

Since our minds work differently, and since we have different intangible traits, then it is not in any way necessarily "bad", "wrong", "immoral", "cruel", "superior", "disciminating" ... or any other such emotionally-charged word-concept to use the term "human" and the term "Autistic", and to say;

"Autism is a different form of sentience than human."

Because you are Autistic, your mind works differently, you think differently, you have a different value-system, and you have different intangible traits than humans do.

Is there something else to the matter I didn't take into account?

So, if you wouldn't mind not being human (and *ick* look what they do and how they operate, so that sentiment is, to me, most very understandable), then you can look at the facts - instead of what 'should' be, or instead of a morality-set - and you can now officially celebrate the fact that you no longer have to mind being human.

Ta-Da!! !

:) :) :) :)

Welcome to the Autistic species.


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angelgirl1224
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19 Apr 2008, 3:25 pm

welllllllll although diagnosed at 10 didnt know till 12. when i found out i didnt know what AS was or anything. i had a limited knowledge.
Early on i wanted 2 be cured
NOW im glad for who i am
and never would want to be cured!
xxxxx


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19 Apr 2008, 3:39 pm

I was diagnosed at 19 years and am not happy about it being 18 years late.

All the missed out things, all the wasted time and all the misery of family could have just been prevented a great deal.


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19 Apr 2008, 4:51 pm

yeah i would hate if i didnt find out till then!! !! !
Well i was a bit pissed off actually because i wasnt told till almost two years after i was diagnosed!! !! !
i suppose i felt relived in a way, because once i found out what AS actualy was i realised why i was different
xxxxxxx


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19 Apr 2008, 7:10 pm

I'm eighteen and just realizing I might have AS, and I'm okay with the fact that I wasn't diagnosed early on. My parents are the kind of people that think "you can either do it all or nothing" and they might not have pushed me as much as they did, or might have even held me back. While things have been hard over the years, overall I am very pleased with the results thus far. I had no concrete reasons all my life to why things seemed so much harder and more frustrating for me, so I was forced to do things I'm sure I wouldn't have done if I had known. Things turned out fine, however, except for some notable bumps.

Having this knowledge now allows me to find ways to cope with some of my problems, which might become more pronounced as I become more independent.



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19 Apr 2008, 9:40 pm

Archetype is my new hero for standing up for himself and not letting stupid people tell him how to be and inspired me to finally post as I've been lurking here for a few weeks. I had similar trouble in school when I was just being my witty self. I agree with most of your post. But I wouldn't discard all NT's. A few of them are actually quite nice and accepting of differences. I unlike you would like to experience love to it's fullest more than just about anything even though I know I could never really play the game nor would I want to try to be something I'm not. Nor would I want them to have to "settle" for someone who can't reciprocate their feelings. It would take quite a special, understanding lady to achieve that goal.

On the topic I would say yes I'm definitely glad I recently self diagnosed after finding out a friend at work was also an Aspie and researching it and having all the alarms go off in my head that this is who I am. If I had know earlier it would have made things a lot easier saving myself many years of grief and depression over why I was different but never really understanding the anxiety and thinking there was something wrong with me. I now recognize in other highly intelligent and creative people throughout my life who would also fall under ASD. It's like finally waking up after almost 30 years. Since I can't get that time back I'll just make the best with what's left and embrace the artist I used to be before college and work got in the way killing my inspiration with the exhaustion and boredom of the workplace.

I'll finish by saying this is a great site. Many thanks to the creators and supporters.



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19 Apr 2008, 11:20 pm

archetype wrote:
9CatMom wrote:
I didn't know about AS until 1997. By that time, I already had a Master's in English, and had taught college English for year. I read about the traits of Asperger's, and they fit me. I am glad that I was able to accomplish all of my schooling before AS became well-known.


Hi 9CatMom,

I don't understand; why are you glad about getting through school before AS was recognized?

Is there a stigma associated with AS that would have prevented your accomplishments at this time?

How well-known is "AS", anyway? Oh nm, I'll ask that in a different post.

Thanks.


I know why! Because what is worse than having a bunch of NTs blaming you for being different? It is a bunch of NTs limiting your opportunities because they read somewhere you can't do something because it is on a list that says so.



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19 Apr 2008, 11:51 pm

I was glad when I found out I had AS has I could finally put a name to why everything seemed so hard. I got depressed because I really started to believe I was really unintelligent and a failure at life. Also finding out also high lighted things that I was really good which I never relised before. I tell everyone I have AS it's has much of a gift has it is a cure.

I'd never hide the fact I have AS has that would be a insult to myself and every other Aspie out there.



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20 Apr 2008, 1:28 am

was self-diagnosed at 49. So I've known since last year. But working in a competitive industry as a contractor, in a right-to-work state, you don't want to give anyone any excuse to fire you.

It'll have to just be my secret...;)



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20 Apr 2008, 1:46 am

Of course I'm glad I found out. It explained so much. Social problems, obsessions, sensory issues... it's all here.

Of course, it did seem a little strange self-diagnosing myself with something that I, along with the rest of the class, would laugh at when a teacher said "aspergers" occasionally if the subject ever ventured in its direction.