Going back into your "Prison."

Post Reply New Topic

Hi-

Has anyone been able to go backward?

When I was young, I was in what Autism Speaks would call a prison. I liked it.

But there was a long haul of treatment. Most of it was to try to get my to be "normal" I was encouraged to be social, coached on how to be social, encouaaged to be sexual when it was not me.

Has anyone been able to go backward?

I find it hard now to go backward, to get back into my monk's cell.

Has nayone done this

yes. this has been my life's journey. i never left the prison that fully in the first place. I never bought the full time job BS or the 9 to 5 stuff or the social respectability thing.

i live most of my time in my little world nowadays. the problems arise when i am required to leave it. In and of itself there IS NO problem!
i am a social mimic and honest conwoman of sorts - that is how i get by when i have to leave my own place.

i do come out.


see Garyww's post from last week where he talks about being a nocturnal creature, then comes out to interact with others like a mimic or chameleon and then returns to the night creature true state.

that about sums it up for me too. and the less i do of it the better.

It depends. I try to be objective when I am retrospect but I get confused about things and am unsure just how something started or where the blame lies, if anyone should be blamed at all. Whenever I attempt to objectively look at how I acted during childhood I fail. I have no idea what I did wrong or what I could have done to make things easier for me.
Now that I keep my interactions with people to a minimum, things are easier for me from a psychological standpoint. When I was highly social I worried way too much and used to envy people who never worried about anything. More than anything else I wanted to be confident and care free. That would have been easiest and I would see people like that and I wondered how they got through their life without second guessing everything.
The people I knew had habits of pointing things out or they gave me dark looks and wouldn't talk to me. I was more communicative back then until I discovered it wasn't working for me.
Even though I am more isolated, I admit I have more inner peace.
Am I, indeed, going backwards? Not sure. When I was a kid I tried and wanted to be the most popular and respected. One thing that really bothered me a lot was when I saw someone get away with doing something wrong and I would get caught and reprimanded for something far less significant. That really used to upset me and I was a classic case of the whiney "it's not fair" type. Someone would reply "life isn't fair" which didn't help either. I wanted everything to be fair and just.

not able to go back much as have not come forward enough,meds make am interactive in different ways with people have got a regular routine with [and over interactive with some am like a lot-keyworker from NAS,am throw koosh balls at her,wrap self around her legs tight to stop her going etc],so without meds am operate on own universe-am like to have a better balance,have previously been neglected due to being uninteractive,and not someone who staff can speak rubbish about other staff to.

am don't think of it as prison like the autism community do [autism community=those who have some relation to ASDs but dont have it themselves] -prison is where bad things are locked in,even in the most profoundly affected whom may seem unreachable in most interaction,that may be what they like,prison can only be judged by the one looking out-not in.

I have no problems going back to jail and not passing go. That tends to BE my problem. There are SO many things I need to get done, and everytime I have to bring me out of myself, the problems begin. Today is a good example. I've been talking to my spouse about how bad I feel that both of us worked straight thru March break, and our son spent a good deal of it with the X-box.. with a few outings with his friends. I woke up this morning wondering how I could best manage my day. I became a little frustrated that there was nothing to do. If you looked around my apartment, you'd see there is LOTS that could be done, but none of it was appealing. (guilt, anxiety) After breakfast our son disappears into his room, spouse sits down to read the paper and stare idly out the window. Eventually I decided screw it, I'm going online. I was on for a good hour, still in pajamas, and Keith (spouse) comes out and says "I told Trent that if you wanted to, maybe we could all go out to one of the parks and toss a ball around." ...by this time, I had already accepted that there was nothing to do, and got comfortable with what I had decided on instead.... I didn't feel like going to the park. (guilt/anxiety) I'm now sitting here feeling like some kind of jerk because what sort of person would rather sit here alone communicating with absolute strangers online, then be out in the sunshine having 'fun' at the park with her family. So here I sit yet again in my prison, while real life passes me by.

I am often in my own little "prison." Especially when I was a little kid. Going into my "prison" can be when I go on the computer in a room on my own, or when I go into my own little world etc.

I use the terms "prison" above facetiously.

Rather - internal, universal play-pen with no outer fencing.

Me, too.

I wish I were not.

But Kingdom, you also make a good point. When we are in our "Prison" (And I agree it is nOT a prison), we can get neglectged easily.

I guess there is not way to really navigate this AUT thing because life is not stagnant. If I am low need one year, it is great, but if I get sick and need to coomunicate with Drs like last year, it was hell.

yes. good point above.

are autistic fluctuations how everybody experiences it? i suppose it depends on degree.

anyone offer any insight on that?
i know the sensory issues fluctuate for me. extreme nausea one day from certain smells or foods. Then less so another day.
hyperfocus or internalised tendencies also vary.

I can recall from the past the many times that many good people have tried to motivate me out of my little world, my little "prison," as it were, and into the normal world. For me, though, my little world has always been a comfortable and good place to live; but I do find that the normal world is still a good place to grab a bite to eat and to pick up a prescription or two.

My 'Prison' is my room and computer. On holidays I feel _really_ stressed after a few days and it's such a relief when I'm back home and I have a permanent smile on my face for 2 days or so(then I get use to my normal life ).
I don't feel comfortable out of it, and need time to refuel after a school day or something inside it.
EMZ=]

My prison is my booksa and computer. I try to go out but get depressed when can't socialise so go back to home. I have to make an effort but making efforts and not getting anywhere.

I've been doing this lately. The result is that I'm becoming simultaneously more odd, more withdrawn, and more functional. I could never have done what I'm trying to do now when I was trying to be normal.

i believe these fluctuations (great word for it, btw) are pretty much directly proportional to the amount of anxiety/stress the person is experiencing at the time. it's what i've read, and i've seen a lot of evidence to support it in my life as well as with my friend who is also an aspie. more stress=less ability to properly manage certain areas of cognitive functioning like sensory perception.

In the 'prison' of my creation that exists within my head, the world is made of liquid fire. All I can see is flames. The sounds of other people's screams are deafening, but I cannot reach out to them, and they cannot reach out to me.

...I never want to go back there.


But I still do, sometimes. I know the basis, and it's because of my parent's church's descriptions of hell (which they beat you over the head with), my lack of knowing the cause of my social problems, and then coming to the conclusion that I was the most evil person in the world. The hell was created by imagination, in part for atonement for the evil things that I thought I had done.

Just because I now know it's bull____ doesn't mean that I'm able to purge it from my thoughts.


Right now, a big part of my isolation is caused by being too tired to do much of anything (as part of the whole 'severely sleep deprived for a year' thing). On good days, I go bike riding, but that usually makes me DEAD TIRED the next day.

Also, getting enough sleep to function is diametrically opposed to my longings to not be alone. The only time when anyone I know is willing to meet (ONLY as part of the groups from which I know them... it's better than nothing) is at night, and the 5AM roommate wakes me up very early.