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Selkie
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09 May 2008, 12:56 am

First of all, I apologise if there is a special forum for these posts which I have overlooked. But . . . I have been wondering if I have AS. I am ambivalent about what a diagnosis would "mean", but am still curious about if it would explain certian 'quirks'.

I was a strangely difficult child. When I was very small, I was terrified of almost all adults. My god parents tell me I would start screaming as soon as their car rolled into the driveway. Loud noises terrified me (ranging from fireworks to printers), as did moths (yes, moths). I couldn't understand grades. When I flunked third grade math, I understood my parents were upset, but I couldn't quite grasp what I had done wrong. I had also told the teacher that Norway was "a peninsula in northern Europe", so they knew I wasn't dumb. I've oscillated between As and Fs my entire academic career. I was quiet - I had few friends. I had a series of obsessions. I had a new animal species every couple of years, which corresponded to whichever stuffed animal I was lugging around at the time. When I was 12, my life revolved around X-Files, dogs, and Barenaked Ladies (the band).

Now I'm a lit major in college. I'm in the honors college with 2.5 gpa. I like some of the profs at school, but I'm not sure why I'm there, as my interests (stories and dogs) and learning patterns are not entirely compatible. I write fiction, and tend to understand people as characters rather than flesh-and-blood people. I can understand body language and the intentions of others, but I often have difficulty responding correctly. I am getting over (or coming to terms with) long term depression related to a severe miscommunication between a professor and myself. When I act "normal" for a sustained period of time, I have a tendency to crash afterward. Almost all of my friends are male, because I tend to relate to the opposite sex more and because I find it easier to relate to people through sex. I find it difficult to trust people - traditional therapy did not work for me for this reason. I would be contented to be a solitary character, except I feel the desire to be accepted by humans. I think I am accepted - and even liked - by a small circle of people, but I have difficulty feeling accepted or reciprocating appreciation.

Thanks for reading. Any feedback is appreciated. :cyclops:



foxman
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09 May 2008, 1:18 am

Hello!

Incidentally, I'm terrified of moths too...something about their flitting, so unpredictable...you never know what they're going to do next. And if they fly into you, the sensation of their fluttering, and the dust of their wings...I hate it so much!


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2ukenkerl
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09 May 2008, 6:27 am

WHOA, you have had sexual intercourse with ALL your friends? Or have you not gone quite that far yet? Frankly, some guys may not be trustable around a pretty woman, so you really don't know HOW you can trust them. Besides, some DON'T do that because such things could HURT a relationship. Still, that COULD show a naivete that many aspies have.

BTW you DO sound like you might be AS. Not because of the fear, though that may be for reasons like foxman said, which DOES sound like it could be AS. And not because of the flunking, though the As and Fs DO show the kind of pattern some Aspies have. LOVE of things/HATE of things...



Selkie
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09 May 2008, 8:48 am

Moths seem to be the zombies of butterflies. Their colors are grey, and when they're resting, they're wings hang like dusty curtains. I'd have these reoccurring nightmares about them clinging to me and never letting go. Were I lived the moths had a creepy larval form where they were fuzzy and ate trees. . . I'm over it now, but I still dislike them.

I have not had intercourse with two male friends as of late, because I'm not attracted to them. I can trust them (and the ones I do have sex with) to some extent because I rarely relate to people. Because I can't relate to most people, I can't be promiscuous because I can't sleep with just anyone. Plus, I don't usually bond over sex; the number of people I consider friends and not just friendly aquantences tends to be five or less. Have you ever read The Unbearable Lightness of Being? I pretty much do what the protagonist does; he doesn't behave non-monogamously out of ego or horniness per se, but a desire to see people in a different light.



Sora
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09 May 2008, 9:36 am

Hi! What you wrote about are issues that I have read other people write about or that I knew myself. I'd not say that it sounds unlikely that you might have a case of Asperger's. I cannot say whether you probably have it or not though.

Have you thought about the following things already too?

Can you remember what you were like as a child, when you got into (pre-)school? Did you find the other children to be a little odd or even had serious problems getting along with them? Maybe your parents or (if you have any) siblings even tried to get you into clubs but it didn't work out?

Sometimes (not not always), elementary teachers comment on unusual behaviours in written reports too. If you have such reports, you could look them up.

Some people learned to speak early or late rather than speaking on 'average' time. Or their speech was odd/funny at some point, even though nobody worried about it. You'd probably have to ask you parents for that.

Do you find it hard to do small talk and/or get annoyed with small talk easily as it doesn't seem to come natural?

Have you had problems with doing something entirely spontaneous? Or have problems now? Do you feel that you just have to follow a familiar pattern, going the same way to somewhere or eating lunch at the same place usually? If you don't follow this familiarity, do you get upset and need more time than others seem to need to get over the change? Or do you have no problem keeping up with your friends when a change occurs (meaning you're upset about it as long as your friends seem to be, if at all.)

Something people with AS can have (but not all of them have it) is some unusual-looking movements. Often when excited or upset. Hand flapping is a big one on WP (I think?), but it can also be something less noticeable. Twisting you fingers. Jumping up and down a little or swaying. Or maybe tapping your fingers? Pen-clicking?

Special interest, you considered that one already. Sounds like a big one for you.

Sensory issues additional to the problem with loud noises? Do you have any seemingly strange but strong aversion (or like) for certain textures (clothing, food, soap and so on), certain tastes, smells or maybe weird, fast blinking visuals?

That are the easiest question - about the ones I can remember actually that strongly relate to ASDs - that a professional asked me. So I figured I cite them.


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Selkie
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09 May 2008, 12:30 pm

Elementary school . . . I almost didn't make it into kindergarten, because I flunked the entrance test. For one of the questions, we had to draw a self-portrait in a box in the middle of the page. I drew myself as if I were sitting in the box, so certain parts of the body were not drawn (they were blocked by the box I was "in") and I lost a lot of points. I started off a bit behind on reading, but was in the advanced group by third grade. I read one comment on my second grade report card where the teacher said that I looked like I wasn't paying attention, but picked things up anyway and was doing fine. I could get along with other kids, but I wasn't really their friend. I was friends with two boys whose parents were friends with my parents, but that was about it. I was terrified of being yelled at. I was quiet, so they'd put me next to the more rambunctious kid to calm it down, but I'd get bothered by the fact that the person next to me was getting yelled at.

I still have an odd speech pattern. Sometimes it feels like I get so enthralled with an idea that expressing it verbally seems daunting. I sutter at times. I'm much better at writing. I can handle small talk for a minute or so - I'm a cashier at a natural food store, and I've learned to ask how they prepare certain things that they are buying, if they've had them before, etc.

I can handle change, but I definitely feel better when my life falls into patterns. I have to have a certian patten in the morning, or I feel off for the rest of the day. Sudden noises bother me; but it was worse when I was little.

*shrugs* It could just be that I'm odd, precious, and sensitive. I really like it here though; it's nice to find a pleasant forum.