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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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18 Jul 2008, 2:41 pm

-JR wrote:
I obviously have a hard time with empathy right now, but I do feel for all of you that have been in past abusive relationships. These are not empty words. It is all too common, and I've seen it first hand myself in others who might have AS, or traits. My parents were abusive to me, as were many adults around me, and children as well-so I know what it is that goes on in abused minds-I've lived it. I just want to point this out, as I realize maybe my posts being a bit overbearing might give the impression that I do not care, or that I am willfully ignorant of these facts. I am not, and wish I could help all of you in the way this place has helped me. I simply like to see ALL sides presented, and have a knack for bringing out the ugliness, or the "undesired" topics. Pardon me for any bad impressions I may have given in my posts, I do realize I seem cold and callous at times, and will try to keep the discussion open as possible, with regards to ALL member's thoughts here.


-JR from what I can tell from your posts, you have far more empathy than a lot of people.



Rainstorm5
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18 Jul 2008, 7:13 pm

kid020 wrote:
Do Aspie men and women tend to end up in abusive relationships? The reason I asked is I've read that in a psychology book, and I've seen examples of that on here. I'm Nt though.


I suppose the odds of that happening might be pretty high, especially for Aspie women. I was in two abusive relationships early on in my adult life. I was very naive about men and they took advantage of my shyness and my lack of knowledge of what relationships are "supposed" to be like. By the time I met my current husband, I figured it out. I told him if he ever laid a hand on me, I'd leave him when he least expected it. The twobad relationships happened to me because I've always been extremely lousy at reading people and couldn't tell when someone was just being nice or was sweet-talking me in order to get me to let my guard down. Never again. BTW - my ex cheated on me excessively, too. Oddly enough, his infidelity never bothered me, as I kept hoping he would latch on to someone else so that I wouldn't have to stand up to him and break the marriage off. I finally left him in the middle of the night, but a month later he found me again and he stalked me for many months. Then he quit when I began dating the guy I'm married to now. My current husband is a very tall, imposing man [6'6"- 240 lbs] and he can be very intimidating when wants to be. My ex wanted no part of me after seeing my new guy. My husband isn't intimidating with me, though. He doesn't scare me in the slightest and he knows it.


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NeantHumain
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18 Jul 2008, 10:06 pm

-JR wrote:
My thinking lies in my own childhood, and friendships over the years, and observing one fact-people want CONTROL. Especially aspies, control over my life was vital to me when I didn't know about AS, I could not seem to get a handle on it tho.

Yes, one of the reason a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome was suggested was because, especially when I was younger, I needed to follow certain routines in the precise right order. For example, I couldn't get dressed in the morning until after I ate breakfast and then brushed my teeth, so if someone else was in the bathroom and I couldn't continue the routine, I got distressed.



NeantHumain
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18 Jul 2008, 10:13 pm

I don't know if it would qualify as a relationship, but one woman I knew started lying and becoming emotionally abusive.



BokeKaeru
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19 Jul 2008, 7:30 am

Most of my friendships have been really screwed up in one way or another.... Some people guilted me into giving up all my money in exchange for friendship. Some people relentlessly criticized me and made me feel inadequate for anything and everything they could, even when those things contradicted one another. Some people pressed all my sensory buttons on purpose and told others to do so as well for "fun." One person, actually another Aspie, at several points hit me, threw my stuff (occasionally in my direction) and kicked my pets when she wasn't ignoring me. The most recent and arguably the worst one promised to keep me safe and be there for me as my best friend if I ditched the previous person, only to subsequently, alternately avoid me and treat me like dirt, putting me down and making me seem inferior wherever she could, even going so far as to suggest things like that I was a bad enough person that I'd drive another close friend of mine to suicide. As it turned out, she didn't even care that much about protecting me or helping me to begin with - the other girl had it in for her boyfriend and she wanted revenge on his behalf. I've since stopped contact with her, but that other friend who she made the suicide comment about still puts up with abuse, arguably much worse forms of it, from her.

This hasn't been exclusive to friends, however. Both my parents went through periods where they were not particularly nice to me. Until very recently (and sometimes still), my mom thought me to be an "embarrassment" for how I looked and acted and was always trying to "fix" me. This meant being insulted, hit, medicated, operated on and punished for things when I wasn't in the wrong, to name some things that happened. Though we've reconciled now, from my teenage years till a few months ago, my father and I were on very bad terms about a lot of things, though it was mostly his alcoholism and the resulting behaviors.... which often included four-hour arguments that culminated in me getting screamed at for everything and everything, including crying when I couldn't keep it back anymore. I still haven't completely forgiven either of them for putting me through all the pointlessly painful medical things they did in the name of "normalcy" that was impossible to achieve. The fact that my mom, especially, still considers some of my conditions to be comparable to cancer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm getting better at distancing myself from and avoiding exploitative people, but often the choice is between that and being alone, which has made it a difficult process. I'm not sure whether this was caused primarily by social inadequacies on my part, rather than the fact that I've been repeating patterns that I've learned early in life. I probably would've been a lot more social and functional if the former was made to seem less scary and painful and the latter was more commonplace with the people around me.



Rainstorm5
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19 Jul 2008, 8:30 am

BokeKaeru wrote:
I'm getting better at distancing myself from and avoiding exploitative people, but often the choice is between that and being alone, which has made it a difficult process.


Same here. Up until recently that's been the story of my life. Putting up with people for the sake of not wanting to be alone.

There are other kinds of abuse out there, too. Sometimes I find myself surrounded by people and situations that aren't quite 'bad' and not quite 'good,' either. Sometimes people can be so controlling to the point where everything you do is monitored and scrutinized 'for your own good' and because they know what's 'best for you.' It's hard to argue with someone who makes so much sense, yet they manage to make you feel worthless in the process. Sometimes it makes life look like an empty, stark plain and the only release you have is to scream into a pillow or wake up crying the darkness at 3 in the morning. Then you wonder why you can't just simply walk away from it all, hoping for something more tolerable over the horizon, knowing that if you did so, you'd be on your own for the rest of your life.

It's either this or be alone. Sometimes I wonder which is worse.


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SIXLUCY
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19 Jul 2008, 8:46 am

What world is this?

I would rather die than live upon this



-JR
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20 Jul 2008, 3:55 pm

What do you mean by this SIXLUCY?


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SIXLUCY
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20 Jul 2008, 3:59 pm

Im not sure now but I think it would mean different states of mind people can be in and with some of mine I would rather die