NT mum trying to change me

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My NT mum is always trying to change me she never accepts for for who I am. Today I was talking to her on the phone and said something about my cat (cats and mine in particular are my special interest). Mum replied rudely "I dont want to talk about the cat" and then started going on about how I am selfish, never ask her how is she is and it is why I lost several jobs etc. She knows about the AS and how we focus on one subject and that is isnt we are selfish or dont care we just focus on particular things yet she often says hurtful things like that. Besides I do make the effort to ask about how her trip was (she just got back from China) etc. But even though it has taken a long time I am happy with myself I just wish mu would accept me for who I am.

Last edited by Catster2 on 26 Sep 2008, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

My brother would always tell me to stop trying to change other people. I guess you could say I have a very pedantic behavior. I always correct people, as an example. I'd get in arguments as to why it mattered, et cetera. I correct people often over small and stupid details that only matter to me, and my brother likes to get on my case about this. ~_~

yeah, I hadn't seen my mother for four years and I came back to see her and was sitting in her kitchen. She talked about my father and how he was going on his pension and how he had to move his last two years of work to another company and how hard it was. I was sitting there listening to her, and she just flips out, accussing me of how I didn't care about my father 'losing his job' and them having to move, etc. etc. All I could do was sit there, still because I cared. I just didn't act like she wanted me to act, is all.

People are hard to read. If I really did something like wail "oh, NO!" and run over and hold her and pet her back while she boo hooed, I don't think she would have believed it either, so we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

I hope you feel better about it, Catster2

Merle

Just tell that your not going to change because of her. worked for me

Maybe she was just having a bad day.

I have never felt truly understood, let alone accepted, by an NT in my entire life. I would never expect to be.

If you expect nothing then you will never be disappointed .

I have tried that and beleive me mum wasnt having a bad day she is like that all the time but i said to her i shouldnt have to do anything I am how I am and I will keep repeating that. I get tired of her trying to change me.

I don't think your mother is trying to change you. She got tired of hearing about your cat. At least she was straightforward about it but could have been nicer about it.

She just wants you to ask her about how things are going with her. It probably makes her feel bad when you don't do it enough and she would like you to ask her more often.
There are things I would like people to do to me. I just think it be nice if they were more considerate and weren't lazy. I am talking about at work where the room attendants ask me to take their garbage but why can't they take it off their carts themselves and put it on the floor and I will get it, also if they are in the service area, they can take out their garbage and put it on the floor. I also get annoyed when they ask me to take the laundry and they are done with all their rooms. Is it so hard to take out their own linen and out it down the shoot, since they are done cleaning and they have to take their carts back to the linen closet, they can mind as well put their dirty linen down the shoot. But no they just dump it on the floor which is really annoying.

So if people would like you to do something for them like ask them how their day is etc. don't think they are trying to change you. Like if someone asks you to clean up after yourself when you are done, would you take that personally?

I think it has someting to do with being female. My step-dad couldn't care less about how I am. However, my mother needs that emotional connection.

The key is to learn what needs to be said to maintain small talk. What I do is get my mother talking, and then ask little questions, like: So when did that happen? What did she/he think? So what happens now? I say: Yeah, uh huh...okay, that's good/bad...and all those little things while she's talking. Once she gets going it's all I have to do while she's talking. She then feels like I have listened to what she has to say, and care about it.

The truth is I can rarely remember what she has told me, and really don't care about that kind of stuff. But she feels good, and that's what matters.

My father told me that learning small-talk, while boring, is essential. And he was right. I do the same thing with other people as well. The key is to remember not to say anything, just listen. You DO have to respond somewhat for them to buy into it though.

I know it sounds heartless, but, I just can't help it. Try it...it may work for you.

Maybe you could write down some things to say to her before you talk to her. First off, ask her how she's doing...even if you aren't really interested in asking that question. Pretend to listen to her answer and make at least one follow-up comment. If she says, "I'm having a bad day." Say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that." I know it's lame, but that's what NTs do.

Give up talking to her about your cat. She doesn't get it. My son talks to me a lot about stuff that I don't get, but I realize that's his one true form of conversation so I try to listen. It is a very different communication style from NT and your mom actually may never understand that. I try to meet my son halfway, but it's possible that your mother is incapable of that.

Do not accept her harsh criticism though. If she calls you selfish or throws it in your face about losing jobs, you need to correct her and if she continues with an argument then you need to end the conversation.

Good luck.

OFT. This is totally what I wanted to say.

I already wrote a response and only then realised Spokane_Girl already had written this post and explained it nicely. Well, she put it way better than me too.

I, personally, would be looking forward to someone's first-hand stories about a trip to China. But if you're not interested in how the trip went, is your mum happy to be asked about the trip just because the person is trying to keep the peace? Some people enjoy strange things...

Unfortunately many parents want us to be a certain way and in her mind, (not that its right at all) she is doing this because she is frustrated that you are not the way that she would probably want you to be. This is how she takes it out on you, and I hope later on she'll regret saying those things to you. In the future if she does something huge like goes on another trip or experiences something huge, try to just ask her about it and tune it out if you must.. but she may appreciate you asking. Not that I am saying she is right by any means and I am NOT even suggesting you to change who you are, but I am just suggesting this for you to have to listen to her criticisms in the future so she doesn't upset you again.

Here's an idea. You can try this. Next time, be really attentive while she is talking. Then, when you have demonstrated that you are interested in what is happening in her life, really truly interested, bring up the cat!! !

See what she says. I would be interested in knowing the result of that. Do you think she would feel listening about the cat is the least she could do after you listened to her or would she be the same way regarding the cat and tell you she doesn't want to talk about him?

My mother had Aspergic traits - and oftentimes it was quite difficult to connect with her on a meaningful level.
Like, beyond the superficial, nobody was home.

That could be head-bangingly exasperating sometimes, since no matter how coaxing and sympathetic you were, you'd just get nothing back.

At the time, I had no idea about AS and wondered if it came from a place of hostility.
But either way, it just seemed incredibly cold.

She genuinely just had absolutely NO idea what I was trying to find out - basically, because it concerned feelings.

That kind of frustration can be extremely difficult to bear.
It's almost like you don't really have a mother, just an organic robot programmed to be able to respond at a superficial level.

The WORST thing was that if ever you expressed your frustration, YOU looked like the bad guy.

It came off as a kind of passive aggression - but was actually just an absence of awareness of her own feelings/opinions.

Or maybe she was just immensely frustrated at being unable to relate to her daughter.