Do others not like you because you're quiet?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm currently going through a completely ridiculous and pointless drama at work because my co-workers have taken a disliking to me, apparently because I am "aloof" and have "made no attempt to integrate myself into the group".

My specific job usually requires that I act alone, and just because I don't want to spend the few breaks afforded to me during a thirteen hour shift gossiping or making small-talk instead of relaxing or reading a book or eating my lunch in quiet, I am seen as being snobbish. I interact enough to get the job done and done well, but beyond that, I am usually too tired by the job itself to make a social effort, which has nothing to do with the co-workers personally, and in my opinion is irrelevant and unnecessary to the task at hand - which is the real reason we are all there in the first place.

Being accused of snobbery has been a frustratingly common theme throughout my entire life (teenage years: nightmare!), and unfortunately (or not, depends how you look at it) I have always been labelled as "intelligent" (whatever that means), and in recent years, the fact that I happened to go to a prestigious university has been thrown back in my face with infuriating frequency. If one more person says, "just because you went to Cambridge..." I will scream. I don't care that I did, and don't understand why anyone else should, either. Everyone's different.

It is a massive relief, actually, to see how common this perceived aloofness is amongst people with AS. I feel like I can finally stop with the incessant, maddening questioning of myself as to WHY I am so apparently dysfunctional. So, thank you all for your openness and honesty about yourselves. You are helping me tremendously.

I was a lot quieter when I was younger. I hardly spoke at all. And a lot of people were uncomfortable with it. I realised it was because they didn't know what was going on in my head, so I was a mystery to them - they didn't know whether I liked them or not, nor how I was internally responding to them, and that bothered them. People like to be validated by having people constantly respond to them. The people who disliked my quietness the most were quite egocentric people who liked to be centre of attention, and to control their peer group in various ways, and I was somehow beyond their control, so this made them frustrated and they thus disliked me. Their problem, not mine.

Of course, yes!!

People get uncomfortable when there's someone around who doesn't talk.

Even I get uncomfortable when there's other people besides me who aren't talking.

So even though I really want to talk and join in, and even get paranoid that people are hating me because I'm so quiet, most of the time the things that they're all talking about is just so far away from anything I would ever think. So it's really difficult to say anything, because people just talk about the weirdest things and have the weirdest thoughts about things!

Me being quiet has always been a problem (for other people). It has been especially marked with my family and has made me feel very alienated from them. I've gotten the "If you want to be a part of this family, why don't you talk more?" lots of times. I spent Thanksgiving with someone else's family this year, and I was delighted that they let me be. I could play my Game Boy on the stairs or just rest my head on another's shoulder, and they didn't mind my introverted behavior.

I probably got let go from my last steady job because I didn't talk to my coworkers enough...I was a fundraiser, and I don't mind talking to strangers if I have a script and a goal, but spontaneously chatting with my coworkers was very uncomfortable. I noticed that it upset them but I couldn't help it.

Most of the time I have no need to talk, however, sometimes when I feel I want to talk I get the impulse not too. People only say that I'm "creepy" because I don't talk. I just walk in and out of groups without a word spoken. I can see why this upsets people but I can't seem to really break from that.

Totally! Especially in the workplace people think I hate them because I go into hyper aspergers focusing mode and don't have any desire to socialise. Especially women don't understand that I don't make small talk in the workplace... in fact... it's the same with men now I think of it. If I may generalise... I find it easier around certain European types who are more taciturn by nature.

I've always been of the opinion that I can learn a lot more by listening than by talking.

I did a Day of Silence once, and realized that I can quite cheerfully go for hours without talking to anybody. The biggest problem that day was that other people kept trying to initiate conversation, despite my Day of Silence sticker. Yes, I see you and acknowledge you with a wave and a smile. Inane questions about my well-being are not necessary.

I am a loud aspie, unfortunately (on my speical interests.) On other things, i can be silent. I have not had much experience working in offices. I have had a couple of shortlived experiences and i couldn't cope with the interactions and the complexity of the social exchanges.

I worked in this office one day a week for about 12 weeks. I was a "head down butt up" kind of worker and i hyperfocus and could not STAND people interrupting me or chit chatting unless it suited me. I was task oriented and annoyed that others seemes to do hteir job interspersed with idle talk and meaningless patter. ( i knew the office staff as teh office was in fact the bureaucratic centre of the rehab i had teended a couple of years before.)
I was so upset by the gossip - which i now know is normal office politicking and banter- that i went to the head of the organisation and expressed my grave concerns over the behaviour of the office workers who ran each other down when each was absent from the room. I viewed the place as an evil snake pit - largely because i found this behaviour SO outrageous. BUt now i know it wasn't. it is how many workplaces function and operate. It is still beyond me - hence i work on my own. My view of the situation was from an AS person's perspective. I was horrified that the head of the organsiation did nothing about the gossip and backstabbling, and i left the job. It was only temporary anyway.

i now know - many years later - this behaviour was quite normal. I am the one who thinks a bit differently.

My mother recently heard a radio program in Australia about some AS people and whistle-blowing. i can relate to that very much and it has been a feature of how i operate in group dynamics (if ever i dare to submerge myself in them!)

The stigma associated with quiet people is as sad as it is ridiculous. An exmple being 'It's always the quiet one's you need to watch out for'. People often treat us with suspicion, as if we have something to hide. That or we're just viewed as strange.

Some of the most unkind and obnoxious people are the one's with the loudest voices. On the other hand, the most trustworthy, thoughful and considerate individuals are often very quiet or shy in my experience.

People don't like me because I'm me