My story (please read)

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This might get long, but hopefully you will bear with me. I want to tell you about my life. There are things i need to get off my chest, things I've never talked about with anyone.

I'm 26 years old, found out I have aspergers syndrome a couple of years ago.

I've been living in almost complete isolation the last 4 years. 3 years ago, I moved to a new town where I didn't know anyone. My own choice, to get away from my old town and the people I knew there. Start over in a way. And it worked out. Even though I've been more alone than ever these last years, I've been feeling pretty good the majority of the time. It helps to be anonymous. When no one knows me, it's easier to go to the grocery store or just take a walk, something I was barely able to do before.

A few months after I got here I had the idea that I should cut contact with everyone and everything, except for my closest family. Over the years I've stopped watching television, reading the news or using the internet for anything social. I kinda went off the radar you could say. Naturally, this has resulted in me losing the few friends i had, real life and online. What has been keeping me going are my two hobbies, movies and video games. Those are the two reasons I've been getting up in the morning. I literally have nothing else.

Before I go on, let me tell you about how I got to this point. I'm not gonna go into too much detail since I'd be writing all night, but lets just say my teens were pretty tough. And I didn't make things easier for myself, since I just wasn't a very nice guy. I was too proud, too stupid, and responded with anger when things didn't go the way i wanted them to. I was a hard person to like. This led to me being treated worse and worse over the years until I was pretty much ridiculed by everyone, even my own relatives. Naturally this led to a low self-esteem which was pretty much at rock bottom and my academic performance suffered. I stopped caring. I skipped school and couldn't care less about tests. I just wanted it to be over.

After the obligatory years i tried more school but never got more than a couple of weeks into the year, before giving up. I have as little education as possible at this point. And I haven't had a proper job for more than a month. I don't even have my driver's license. You could say i have less now than i did 15 years ago, except for minimal life experience.

Which brings me to the present again. The reason I'm writing this in the first place, is because I've had some dark thoughts lately. I've started asking myself if I really want to keep living like this. In the end, what's the point in living for video games and movies? They're supposed to be entertainment, not something to base your entire life on. I've started to loose interest. Games just aren't that fun anymore. For the first time in years i want change. I guess these are good thoughts in a way, but the problem is.. i'm worried i've sunk to deep to be able to make the changes i want. And i'm not even sure if i want them, or what i want.

As i mentioned my self-esteem is low. Most of the time i feel like i'm less than nothing. I've been able to cope only because it doesn't really matter when i live this way. I guess that is part of the reason i made the choice to isolate myself 3 years ago. It just seems impossible to live any other way. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that i will be happy with my life again, but i've been really depressed lately. I've even had some suicidal thoughts. Nothing serious yet, but i'm worried it might get worse.

So if you've read all this. What's my next step? What the hell should i do? Thanks.

Well, you've made it to WrongPlanet! Welcome!

I'm afraid I don't really have advice for you - maybe others will.

I'm concerned about you mentioning bad thought and thoughts of suicide. Do you think you could go to your doctor, or speak to someone else, about these thoughts?

Meantime, why not spend some time here? See how that goes...

If your getting such thoughts as just ending it, seek help as soon as you can. Just talking to anyone about it helps alot. If you have the means to talk to a professional that would be the wisest choice.

As for mood etc, the simple things work wonders. Just getting some sun for example, being in the dark indoors depresses the mood. If you think its more serious maybe seek medication. From personal experience i would resist any anti-depressants(send you to sleep and depress you more because you dont feel like doing anything) though, seek stimulants if your sleeping too much.

IMO, any thoughts of ending it you definately need to speak to someone, as the act it self can come out of nowhere with little apathy beforehand.

well you have the ultimate fork in the road then, dont you? time to make some decisions, and i wouldnt waste too much time. You want answers, but so does the rest of the world.

The rest of the world wants to know when you're going to make up your mind. Where do you want to pitch in? When are you gonna stand up instead of shrivaling into a ball of comfort, your shell of security.

Its true, we aspies dont meet the hares expectations. But as the tortoise, we come out on top in the long run. As long as we take the hard earned road instead of quick shortcuts, we excel in ANY area we choose. It just takes the passion, patience and perseverance to pursue perfection.

Perpetual bliss, is earned, not a gift(means you gotta work for it)

this almost sounds like something from the Haven. You can control how many friends and acquaintances you have. Maybe a friend to begin with, then more as you get more comfortable.

No matter how much it seems to be better, don't completely cut yourself off from others.

I think the best thing to do is to figure out a career that you would enjoy. It's a lot easier to complete your education if you have a goal in mind for the end of it.

You say you like movies and video games? Have you ever considered working in the television industry in some related profession, a.k.a. maybe even tech, or have you ever been interested in writing your own video games? (I don't know much about video games so I'm not much help here).

I think the best thing to do is to set yourself goals, and work towards them to achieve them. Maybe see a careers counselor and look into different types of occupations and try to find something you're passionate about.

The best way to find purpose, joy, and meaning in life is to find something constructive to do with your life, and this is the idea of a career (a career isn't working in a supermarket unless you are passionate about this, and are maybe interested in working up the ranks).

Organize your time into projects (this is what I do). A.k.a. where your first project will be to research careers, read about different careers, take quizzes, speak to people, etc.

Maybe your second project could be to try and get involved in the community in some way, join some groups - maybe even if there's a movie group or gaming group. Or even start your own! This is what I've done before - I'm passionate about choir, and I've started my own singing groups before to fulfill this passion. Sometimes it can be a lot more fun sharing your passion with like-minded people rather than pursuing it on your own. A lot less depressing. Maybe start a World of Warcraft group or something (I don't know, whatever types of games you like, I have a couple of male friends who are gamers and they often get together in a group and play some multiplayer game. It's a great social activity.

That's everything I can think of right now, but I think a career would be the best idea to pursue first. I'm still trying to figure out the best career for me, but I won't give up researching and trying out things until I find it.

I agree with sunshowers post, however this quotation has a special resonance with me...realization of self worth is most important to start the journey forward.

sunshower has some good ideas. I have no idea what your financial situation is like but if you can, perhaps look into taking some courses that involve media or maybe start a business selling video games.. I know that may sound daunting and sales is difficult for those who are under the spectrum but if its strictly over the net, it's okay.. for me anyway.. I am in some MLM opportunities and I STRICTLY use it for the net and it's easier that way... because I am not the type to go and make some cold calls. Anyway I am sorry, don't mean to ramble, just trying to throw out some ideas to you. You CAN turn your interests into something to make a good life out of, it will take time but if you put your mind to it, you can do it. Something to consider..

As for your dark thoughts, I agree with everyone else on here, talk to a dr and get some help!

Thanks for your replies. Like pakled mentioned i guess this should have been in the "Haven" section. Mods can move it there if they want.

About my suicidal thoughts.. like i said they're not that serious. Of course it's the easy way out, but i'm a rational person and i'm gonna try to find a solution even though things look bleak right now. Besides, it would likely devastate my mother and i don't want that.

Doing something with my life is something i'm considering. I regret wasting my life up until now and i guess that's part of the reason i'm depressed right now. I don't know how clear i made it in my post, but i really have nothing at this point. The last 10 years have been a complete waste. I know it's not too late, but it sucks to start first now, when i'm close to 30 years old.

I'm not sure if doing something within movies or video games is something i want to do. Like i said in my first post i'm not sure what i want to do. I guess that's something i gotta think hard about in the coming weeks.

It's important you understand how socially isolated i am. Yes, i play video games, but a social game like World of Warcraft or any other multiplayer game is something i stay far away from. And i don't share my interests with anyone. I don't go to internet forums and keep up on gaming news or share my opinion with others, as most gamers do. I don't know why this is, it's natural for people to want to talk to people with their own interests, but for me it's quite the opposite. I'm not even sure if i like people anymore and that's part of my problem.

My financial situation is fine. Thankfully i live in a country where you're taken good care of if you're dealing with this kind of stuff. On top of that i only have myself to take care of, and i live a simple life, so money is not something i need to worry about.

Last edited by nottu on 25 Nov 2008, 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The people in your past remember how awful you were, but the people around you now don't. Fresh faces, fresh start. If you pretend to be decent, the people you meet will assume you are decent.
The above posters gave good advice.

Im not sure where you live, but in the UK theres the Open University. They offer taster courses in various subjects, sure it cost money but maybe there is something similar where you live. The OU may offer international courses im not sure, its something for you to research on your own.

That's true, and that's why things have been better after i moved to a new town. I like to think i wasn't an awful person though, just having a tough time dealing with asperger, which i didn't know about at the time. I believe i am a better person now, but my social skills are non-existant and i can barely look people in the eyes because of how lousy i feel about myself.

It has just been easier to isolate myself, so i don't have to worry about that stuff. That's obviously what has to change. But i'm afraid this is just a phase and in a week or so i'm gonna go back to feeling OK about the empty life i've been living.

It helps to write about it though, i've never shared this with anyone before.

You may be interested in reading about Hikikomori. Basically, it's a recent social phenomena in Japan in which (usually men in their 20's) become shut-ins. They avoid social interactions by reading, playing videogames, browsing the Internet, or watching movies all day (and night) alone in their apartments, completely isolated from the outside world. They often receive money from their parents for food/rent/etc. and only step out of the house at night to get groceries from 24-hr convenience stores. There are some that haven't seen people in years and only open their doors to take the food that their parents leave on the doorstep. It's very interesting. Check it out:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori

I recently read a really good book by a Hikikomori called "Welcome to the NHK" that is semi-autobiographical.

http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-NHK-Novel ... 585&sr=8-3

I hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

The point of a career is not to earn money, but to find a constructive purpose for your life. At least, that's how I see it. Hmm yes I am rather ignorant about computer games, I freely admit.

Thinking hard about what you want to do with your life sounds like a very good start. I admit, I'm still in that stage myself. It's good to be proactive about it too, and actively research different job options. I've found the best thing to do is to try and get work experience in different places, then you can get a better idea about what you are and what you aren't interested in.

These holidays I personally want to try and get in some work experience with a music therapist in a hospital, so I can see what they actually do and find out if I would be interested in doing it, or could be passionate about it.

It does suck that you've lost 10 years, but I guess what's past is past and all you can do is move forward. I think the important thing is that no matter what you do in your time, you still learn something from it, so it's never fully wasted.

As for socializing, if you lived near me I would offer to be your friend and we could catch a movie together or have lunch. The best thing you can do is to start from one person and work your way up. Of course, if you're completely isolated it's hard even to start with one person at all. But once you start looking in to what you want to do, and maybe if you do get involved in the community in some way, you'll start meeting people, and once you get to know people a bit better and get more practice at communication, you can invite people out to lunch/a movie with you. (often a group activity is a good start, as there's less pressure on you, especially if you can get invited to someone else's group activity).

As to whether or not you actually want to socialize or would rather be alone indefinitely, that's something you need to find out for yourself. The only way you can know that for sure is to step out of your comfort zone, take some risks, and be social even if you don't enjoy it at first. At first, I didn't enjoy socializing, but then the more I got used to it, the more I enjoyed it, and I realized I was becoming much happier as a person because of it. In the end, I discovered I was a way more social person than I ever thought I'd be, and I experienced massive self growth in a short space of time.

This probably sounds strange but I'll mention it anyway; some of the most interesting people I've ever met or thoroughly enjoyed talking to have been people I've met when I've simply stepped outside my house, and gone for a wander down the street or though the city. I've met all kinds of interesting people this way, by just wandering places and talking to the people I meet. Of course, it does take some confidence to have the courage to strike up conversations with strangers.

Well, I'm not in exactly the same boat you are in, but I have some similar issues. I'm working through my anger and resentment at being in a chronic abuse situation with a sexually harassing professor and his girlfriend -- the SECOND harassment trauma I experienced in college. Like you, I decided (earlier this year) to take myself "off the grid" -- cut people off and try to break the cycle of stress until I resolved my PTSD over this professor's abuse some more.

Like you, I have developed a profound resentment against people like him and the corrupt college systems that act as their enablers (they consistently cover up the misconduct of professors that harm students). I felt that I was getting nowhere, but constantly undermined, sabotaged and thwarted by sexually predatory professors who use their jobs and power over students to get laid.

I think that what I have developed is a disorder that is "comorbid" or co-existing with Asperger Syndrome. It is called "Oppositional Defiant Disorder". Basically, after years of being frustrated, mistreated and sabotaged on account of sex, and because I was unable to defend myself from harassment and retaliation because of my Asperger Syndrome, I have become very rebellious and resentful toward those kinds of authority figures. My behavior toward them ranges from passive aggressive to outright insulting and defiant, ready to argue at any time. I have nothing but negative expectations of them. In me, the ODD against those college abusers is a kind of prolonged-duration stress syndrome, a pathological resentment or anger against chronic harassers.

The thing is, I know that it will eventually work its way out if I express it and continue to let it work its way out. But if I were to try to repress it and pretend that it was all something I had to live with, I think I wouldn't get over it.

In one sense, cutting everyone off and starting over (or just getting some time out to restore your balance after a period of abuse) is one thing. But running away from a problem and not dealing with your anger and resentments, might just be futile.

I wouldn't blame yourself for the ruptures with your family, by the way. It's not all your own resentment at being socially impaired and provoking anger or ridicule that is at fault. Your family shouldn't be ridiculing you anyways. Abuse is abuse, even emotional and verbal belittling and abuse. The situation seems very inappropriate and unhealthy, and if you blame yourself as if you deserved ridicule and mistreatment, you will indeed get depressed and feel self-destructive. It doesn't matter what your social behavior was, if a family ridicules you and belittles you, they are being inappropriate, and laying their own ego trips and insecurities on you. Some environments and people are bad for Asperger people to be in.

I'm trying to view my timeout from others and being disconnected from the world as a way to unwind and express myself and "reboot" so that I can recover from the stress disorder better. I'm not sure I'd view it as a permanent fix in and of itself. That wouldn't really work

As a final note, the old people and your old world of relationships might have been toxic for you, and you may have cut yourself off from them physically, but you still seem dependent on them emotionally. Maybe you can find a way to free yourself from being defined by your past negative relationships and less dependent on them emotionally, that might be what you need. Perhaps there is, on your part, a codependency on these negative, toxic people that is part of your problem with your family, not the people themselves.

A lot to relate to here. There is something to wanting to get away from the past, but once you're away you need to do something. Can relate to the whole mistreatment thing. I've been through that a few times. I'd definitely recommend getting out of the house, even if it's just for a walk. Exercise is great. It really can help with depression, too.

As far as people and relating to people, I say start small. Like with a kitten or a puppy. Or a couple. It really helps to get out of your head if you have another living thing to distract you from yourself. A pet will love you unconditionally. That can literally save your life. I could not have survived my years of depression without my many cats.

You can choose to make a deliberate decision to love something, even if this is just a plant.
You can also decide to forgive yourself for whatever you feel bad about.
When I was 20, I was BLEAK!! ! It can get better, it did for me.

Back to animals, there are many many benefits to loving a pet.

Truly wishing you all the best.