What to say when ppl tell you their problems?

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bonez
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19 Dec 2008, 1:33 am

When ppl are telling me their problems like how they hate their parents or teachers or how worried they are about sometihng what am i supposed to say?? besides for "wow i hear that sucks to be you"?



unreal3x
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19 Dec 2008, 2:50 am

If they are saying something as general as "I hate my parents" or "I hate my teachers". Those are basic statements that do no have any sort of direct approach to them. So you could break down their simple statement, and ask them questions about it, and have it branch out.

You could ask them "Why do you hate your parents"

they could say something like "um cuz they are dum they like ground me"

Then you would ask, "Why did they ground you?"

They might say, "cause I got bad grades"

from here instead of saying "sucks to be you" you just need to think about it from every one's perspective and try to generate an opinion.
think about the causes, and different people's intent. Try and be enough on his side, but at the same time try say something positive about this persons parents too.

So you could say "Well they grounded you cause you had bad grades, they didn't mean any harm, they just want to see your grades go up(this part making the parents sound good), but its stupid cause if they ground you(this part being on your friend's side or the person that is talking you), you are not happy, which could have the adverse effect of you not wanting to do work, making your grades even worse.



19 Dec 2008, 3:15 am

bonez wrote:
When ppl are telling me their problems like how they hate their parents or teachers or how worried they are about sometihng what am i supposed to say?? besides for "wow i hear that sucks to be you"?




"I'm sorry."
"That sucks."
"Ouch."
"That bites."

I really don't know the situations so I can't help you much.



Postperson
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19 Dec 2008, 3:34 am

Make an excuse to leave, people will tell you their problems till Kingdom Come if you let them. It gets tedious. Someone suggested asking to borrow money is a good way of getting rid of people like that.



prillix
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19 Dec 2008, 3:38 am

Postperson wrote:
Someone suggested asking to borrow money is a good way of getting rid of people like that.


LOL :P



MemberSix
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19 Dec 2008, 4:01 am

bonez wrote:
When ppl are telling me their problems like how they hate their parents or teachers or how worried they are about sometihng what am i supposed to say?? besides for "wow i hear that sucks to be you"?

Well, misery as they say, loves company.
So if you have any similar sentiments, share them.
They just need to vent and want some validation of their feelings - usually obtainable by co-venting ... ie - sharing and comparing notes (yours).



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19 Dec 2008, 4:06 am

I personally like to think I give good advice, so I try to get down to the bottom of things. Advice is really a charity, and it does feel good when you help someone. But in many cases, most people just want you to agree with them or do not wish to solve their own problems.

Either way, it depends on what you want people to perceive you as. What is your favorite animal? Why? Answer that to yourself before you keep reading. See, someone once told me that the answer to that question reflects how you want the world to perceive you. Your response of "sucks to be you" may just portray a rough and tough person you wish to be perceived as. But if your animal is a little more on the sensitive side, I would suggest the asking questions and trying to give neutral advice.

Keep in mind also the audience. If you are talking about a stranger at a bar, you'd deal with that differently than a friend. If you are talking about dating and relationships, that person will expect and deserve better than a generic response.



MemberSix
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19 Dec 2008, 4:30 am

Tantybi wrote:
I personally like to think I give good advice, so I try to get down to the bottom of things. Advice is really a charity, and it does feel good when you help someone. But in many cases, most people just want you to agree with them or do not wish to solve their own problems.

Either way, it depends on what you want people to perceive you as. What is your favorite animal? Why? Answer that to yourself before you keep reading. See, someone once told me that the answer to that question reflects how you want the world to perceive you. Your response of "sucks to be you" may just portray a rough and tough person you wish to be perceived as. But if your animal is a little more on the sensitive side, I would suggest the asking questions and trying to give neutral advice.

No problem in agreeing with someone if you really DO - if that makes YOU feel good.
People aren't just looking for someone to agree with them, they're looking for someone who actually FEELS the same way as them.
A frustration shared is a frustration halved.

If you don't happen to share their sentiment, you could just try saying 'I'd feel the same way if that happened to me' or some sh*t like that.



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23 Dec 2008, 11:22 am

I'd listen to them and offer practical advice and knowledge if I have any.

I'd try and refer them to places or people that might be able to help them.

I might give them a hug.

I think that there are different kinds of caring.
I tend to be much better at giving useful practical advice than the overt emotional support.

I try not to get too involved in other people's emotional problems.
I care about people, but in a practical way.



mosez
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23 Dec 2008, 1:11 pm

Well it's certainly better than small talk. Just ask some questions back, act like you are interested, as some others here said. No big deal.
What wears me out, is small talk. Like; how are you? You are supposed to say " oh, I'm fine", even if you feel like s**t.
Remember a movie I watched, and a scene I just loved. It was in an elevator in an office building and someone asked the usual" how are you?" The person wich the question was asked to then replied,"just fine, except that these f*****g hemoroids are killing me" He also lowered his pants to show the problem. That's the way to deal with small talk


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23 Dec 2008, 1:25 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
bonez wrote:
When ppl are telling me their problems like how they hate their parents or teachers or how worried they are about sometihng what am i supposed to say?? besides for "wow i hear that sucks to be you"?




"I'm sorry."
"That sucks."
"Ouch."
"That bites."

I really don't know the situations so I can't help you much.


lol. exactly the phrases I use! :o


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Tantybi
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23 Dec 2008, 1:48 pm

MemberSix wrote:
Tantybi wrote:
I personally like to think I give good advice, so I try to get down to the bottom of things. Advice is really a charity, and it does feel good when you help someone. But in many cases, most people just want you to agree with them or do not wish to solve their own problems.

Either way, it depends on what you want people to perceive you as. What is your favorite animal? Why? Answer that to yourself before you keep reading. See, someone once told me that the answer to that question reflects how you want the world to perceive you. Your response of "sucks to be you" may just portray a rough and tough person you wish to be perceived as. But if your animal is a little more on the sensitive side, I would suggest the asking questions and trying to give neutral advice.

No problem in agreeing with someone if you really DO - if that makes YOU feel good.
People aren't just looking for someone to agree with them, they're looking for someone who actually FEELS the same way as them.
A frustration shared is a frustration halved.

If you don't happen to share their sentiment, you could just try saying 'I'd feel the same way if that happened to me' or some sh*t like that.


Yeah i try to do that, but sometimes people really just want to hear you agree with them and get offended when you don't agree and then accuse you of picking arguments with them, but I think the main difference is the purpose. Sometimes people state a problem just to vent and don't want advice while othertimes, they actually want advice.



DwightF
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23 Dec 2008, 2:01 pm

bonez wrote:
When ppl are telling me their problems like how they hate their parents or teachers or how worried they are about sometihng what am i supposed to say?? besides for "wow i hear that sucks to be you"?

As long as you don't put a sarcastic tone on that line, that's often good enough for a lot of people. No really. They are venting. They want to be "heard". Listening is all they are looking for. Going into "problem solving mode" is actually counter-productive, especially if they are giving very subjective (and thus objectively inaccurate) emotional statements.

Nodding your head and keeping to soothing platitudes like "hear you" is good. Of course the best is if you really hear them, sympathize with them. Recognize their feelings as having value, even though they might be externally, objectively, and quatifiably "wrong". Whatever you do if they are the later DO NOT POINT THIS OUT AT THIS TIME. Let them dump their emotion. You can deal with the illogical nature of the feelings later, trying to do it at this point will just piss them off and get you into conflict that is not "winnable".


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neshamaruach
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23 Dec 2008, 5:14 pm

For the most part, people just want to vent and get some sympathy. It's been very unusual in my experience for someone to talk about their problems because they want me to provide a solution. I tried that SO many times, and it was pointless. So I usually just nod my head a lot and say "Hmmm....oh....wow.....that's too bad....sorry to hear that..." and try to look concerned. When people are venting, the greater problem for me is figuring out how to get outta there before I overload. I have had people go on and on and on about their lives until I'm so dizzy I can't even remember how to speak or why I drove into town to go to the grocery store. We are not the only ones with social reciprocity problems. :(

If someone has a problem and needs help with it, I've often found that he/she will say, "Such and such is happening, and I don't know what to do. What do you think?" Sometimes, you can have a real conversation and give some suggestions that the person can use. But if they start saying "Yes, but..." to every suggestion, I basically break off the conversation and go home, because they just want to whine about how nothing will work. I'm too old to listen to it anymore. I've well exceeded my lifetime quota.

I don't have a hard time leaving when someone is whining. I have kind of an allergy to it. Leaving when someone is venting is much harder for me. It's like I'm stuck in their force field.


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