Conversations where it's like you're not there

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That is the best, funniest analogy I've ever heard. Lice-picking... lol

Hilarious!! !

There are days when I question whether I really have Asperger's, and it's answers like these that snap me back into reality lol. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this!

There is a slight remedy to this fix, I just realized. I find that this typically happens in groups of three or more people (you being one of those three). I've found though that when it gets down to a one-on-one level, injecting your own thoughts isn't quite as hard. However it feels a bit futile in groups any bigger than that. Once in a while I try and fix the conversation in my territory so I can at least discuss something.

It seems to me that part of the intentions of conversations are just to talk. There may be undertones of seeing who can be the most dominant or at the lead of the pack, so to speak, though I think part of the art of conversation that sometimes there's no other point to talking than just to talk. That is, you don't have a specific goal or outcome in mind for the conversation, but all that you intend to do is just connect with the others around you. I notice all my conversations have a point; I need to know something, I want to convey something I find important, I want to build up or encourage, I want to deepen a friendship, etc., though perhaps natural conversations aren't necessarily goal-oriented. I mean what other reason is there for a group of 10-12 teens to get together and start a conversation with the Killers and end with a contest to see who can come up with the most disgusting combination of Jones Soda flavors?

Some of this exclusion experienced is pack hierachy like animals. I've had to train a very difficult dog and think about hierachy stuff a lot. There's always the alphas at the top and then so many have their 'set' social manner and purring linked to their own self importance. Few say anything of value. I've never had to participate in this crap for twenty five years. I feel sorry for children that have to endure this marginalisation as I did.

Example: the class bully gets the victim to come to them, it (!) would never walk to them. Same thing with dogs. I must always get my dog to come to me, which often especially in the house he won't. Yet out of the house he will, then he sees me as the leader.

Weak children need to be mentored by alphas.

Forty years ago at school it was sports field ability that determined social pecking order. Needless to say I was abysmal in that area. Now I operate in a technical area and I've yet to meet anyone that can get the better of me, in fact I am quite competitive in that work area while sports and the idea ? of them absolutely baffle me.

Last edited by ablomov on 20 Dec 2008, 11:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

Hold on - so you'd walk away to get people to invite you back when they'd already turned their ringed backs on you ?

That would suggest that excluding you from the ring was unconscious.
That or someone in the ring was going against the group wish.

Unswattable Fly on the Wall syndrome topic

This is me, Greentea ( I like Charlie Brown and Snoopy, too. Not Christmas without them!). This is the role I adopted long ago. I am there but not there. In a way I can spy on others and realize I do not want to be like them. I see them too much, the nasty side. I am invisible even here! This is something I have grown to understand and accept. It is the opposite of Kafkaesque. No one is looking at me. The ultimate aspie existence. But I am not defined or described by others. Nothing masochistic here! I will not be squished like a cockroach.

Just for the record, I do read others' posts before replying.

I am on ur wall, bug-eyeing u.

Ugh I hate that as well.

Sue, I'm fighting a cockroach problem in my kitchen this very minute, and I just squished a couple so I had to smile at the comment.

I don't think you're invisible, at least not to me. I must admit, though, that some people on WP write posts that call my attention but I have nothing to comment, and sometimes write posts I don't understand. I'm not invisible either; they pretend not to notice me but I come in handy when they need a scapegoat, and they're very influenced by my comments even though they pretend to not have heard them. How do I know? Because they then apply my ideas, with the alphas taking credit for them. An example? When people at work ask "How was your weekend?" I always answer: "Beautiful! I went to Jerusalem and had a most awesome time." Everyone, as I've been saying here, talks over me and don't "hear me". However, when we had the only fun day of the department, and the boss asked where everyone wanted to go, the alphas chose Jerusalem and that's where we went. They'd been secretly hearing me and envying my solo trips to J'lem.

I don't care about social hierarchy or pecking orders when it comes to that. (or in general for that matter)


... I suppose that is why I tend to get ignored at times. I just talk to contribute something to the conversation... no more, no less. I thought that was what everyone did. I don’t tend to talk a lot in groups.. hardly ever at lot of time. When I do though I can’t stand when people don’t even acknowledge what I say.


I am tempted though to force my way back in a conversation if I’m being ignored…

<Conversation turns to movies>

Bob: “So did anyone see Twlight?”

Mary "No.. I’m not into those kind of movies.”

Sue: “It sucked”

Comber: “Yea.. I went with friends and we laughed through most of it. ”

Me “I enjoyed it myself.”

Bob: “So I shouldn’t waste my money?”

Sue: “I wouldn’t.”

Comber: “Yea, I’d save my money and go see 'The day the earth stood still' Much better movie.”

Mary: “I saw that last night… it was pretty cool.”

Me: "I want to see it… especially since I’ve heard they have the wolverine trailer."

Sue: “My friends so it last night but I had to work.”

Bob: “I had to work last night as well or I likely would have been out.”

…

Me: “My vagina caught on fire.”

Bob, Sue, Mary: O__O??!

Me: “.... I went and saw the latest Will Smith movie last night.”

I've always had this trouble.
It's best if you find a small group of friends. Then you will be less likely to be ignored. I have three friends in my english class that don't ignore me. But if there were some kind of class participation thing, I'd have a hard time knowing when to speak, and when I do, they either ignore me or tell me to shut up.

Yeah, me too. Now that I know about it, this social hierarchy thing in groups is pretty intriguing. I´m going to have to try to observe it now...

I just had a thought today, about social hierarchy. I notice that since I have become older, more established, and an expert in my field- (my job is my special interest)- due to that reason, when I am around other people involved with dance or theater arts, I seem to have an implied social position: in other words, if I show up at a gathering of dancers or theater people, I seem to be automatically accepted into the group, and people want to listen to what I have to say. (Though, at parties or gatherings, I tend to talk to one person at a time). Anyway....as soon as I´m in a group of non-theater people, I realized today that it´s as if I´m suddenly at the low end of the hierarchy; people ignore me, or do the exclusion thing. Generally, people act like they don´t want to talk to me at all, and make some excuse to leave, or, if in a group, I just can´t come into the circle. Interesting, that. I really feel totally different when I´m not "in my element". Could it be that "social prestige"- like being good at, and respected in your field- can temporarily override the problems with AS, body language, etc.? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Yes, this happens to me...I don't want to say all the time, but somewhat frequently. I think I'm so soft-spoken and quiet in general they just don't expect me to say anything, but I'm not quiet 24/7, if they'd shut up long enough to hear me.

I have this problem whenever I'm in a group. Normally, I end up having a conversation with just one person in the group.
If I really, really need to say something, and I'm being ignored, or I can't find an opening, I just talk over everyone and make myself heard. I don't particularly like doing that, and if I could find some other way of being able to be heard I would.

i swing between that or moving to my own table or getting on to my special interest and talking over teh top of EVERYBODY - looudly. the problem is that the things i do do not correspind with teh prvailing social cues - so it always seems odd and a little left of field.

i wish i could help you , but alas i am none the wiser and i have been trying to do so for year.
BUT at least you ARE SITTING IN A GROUP and THAT alone is progress. give yourself a big pat on th back.

Freaking Hillarious.

I'll be trying that one out in the future. I was just reading it to my husband to, and he remembers when I used to complain about his old band doing that to me all the time (ignoring me). He was laughing pretty hard too.

I actually do that to my husband, but not as obvious as vagina catching fire. But that converstation was more like...

Me: Blah blah blah blah blah, so did you get the same vibe as me?

Husband: Silence

Me: I mean the doctor seemed to know what he was talking about right?

Husband: Silence

Me: Are you even listening to me?

Husband: Silence

Me: So, I had sex with Bill Clinton last night and I think I might be pregnant.

Husband: What?

Me: Now you listen.

Husband: I was listening the whole time.

Me: So then what did I say?

Husband: Something about a doctor getting a vibe.

Then I repeat my questions and get an actual response.