People feel uncomfortable when they don't do eye contact

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03 Jan 2009, 2:16 pm

I was in bed with my boyfriend and I was talking about Benny & Joon. I feel him lift his body up and I asked what is he doing and he says he is looking at me. I told him does he need to look at me, he has ears, he can hear, he doesn't need to look at me to hear. So he lied back down and continued facing the wall. He said it felt uncomfortable and I asked why and he said it didn't feel natural. So he closed his eyes to make himself feel better.


So is this how people feel when they don't look at people? While it feels uncomfortable for us to look at them, it feels uncomfortable for them to not look at anyone as they speak or when someone talks to them.



millie
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03 Jan 2009, 2:22 pm

yes. i think so. eye contact. yesterday i went to the mall and tried to look at people in the eye on occasions. i can do this blur out thing where i look at their teeth now (all those choppers....)

so, I try to look. And i get a flip in my stomach like nausea, and i get a sense of "vertigo" like my experience of heights when i am off medication. very overwhelming.



Last edited by millie on 03 Jan 2009, 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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03 Jan 2009, 2:31 pm

Interesting. I know that people get irritated, sometimes erratic.

Eye-contact is a way of communication to them. So if they're robbed of that, denied to have that medium of communication, their communication is impaired isn't it?!

When people deny me pointing and tone of voice, my communication is also impaired and I'm beyond irritation. I guess it's the same feeling to those who read non-verbal cues or rely on this form a lot.


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03 Jan 2009, 2:37 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
I was in bed with my boyfriend and I was talking about Benny & Joon. I feel him lift his body up and I asked what is he doing and he says he is looking at me. I told him does he need to look at me, he has ears, he can hear, he doesn't need to look at me to hear. So he lied back down and continued facing the wall. He said it felt uncomfortable and I asked why and he said it didn't feel natural. So he closed his eyes to make himself feel better.


So is this how people feel when they don't look at people? While it feels uncomfortable for us to look at them, it feels uncomfortable for them to not look at anyone as they speak or when someone talks to them.


Wow, I never thought of that! When I'm lying in bed with my husband, and we're talking, I don't look at him. In fact, my eyes are closed.



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03 Jan 2009, 2:40 pm

chuckle chuckle. i couldn't even cop the same bed ---too close and my sensory issues couldn't handle it.



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03 Jan 2009, 4:41 pm

Sora wrote:


Eye-contact is a way of communication to them. So if they're robbed of that, denied to have that medium of communication, their communication is impaired isn't it?!


Is that what it is? Interesting....

I can make eye contact fine, nowadays. But when I do this, I don´t really "see" much of anything; just 2 eyes staring at me. Sometimes I feel like Mowgli in "The Jungle Book", just staring into the eyes of that snake.


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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03 Jan 2009, 4:46 pm

This entire look em in the eye topic is very relative. Some people feel uncomfortable when I look them in the eye. Not everyone wants me to look them in the eye. I don't like looking at people.



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03 Jan 2009, 4:54 pm

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:
This entire look em in the eye topic is very relative. Some people feel uncomfortable when I look them in the eye. Not everyone wants me to look them in the eye. I don't like looking at people.


I notice that when someone else isn´t giving me much eye contact, I automatically avert my gaze. I´m very aware of this, I guess due to years of feeling uncomfortable with eye contact myself.


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03 Jan 2009, 6:48 pm

Funny thing. I can give eye contact when I'm listening but not when I'm talking myself. I get distracted and lose my train of thought if I try to talk while giving constant eye contact. Have to look away to think.



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03 Jan 2009, 7:06 pm

marshall wrote:
Funny thing. I can give eye contact when I'm listening but not when I'm talking myself. I get distracted and lose my train of thought if I try to talk while giving constant eye contact. Have to look away to think.


But you're not suppose to give constant eye contact. That's called staring. You are suppose to make eye contact intermittently during key points of the discussion and look away at other times.



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03 Jan 2009, 7:12 pm

Usually when I first ask something to a stranger, I can make eye contact, but a couple words into the sentence I'll look away. Then, sometimes I'll look back at the person, and look away. With friends and family I can make decent eye contact but if I look away, they're used to it or don't say anything/don't care. I hardly ever give eye contact when the other person is speaking.


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marshall
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03 Jan 2009, 7:21 pm

Ticker wrote:
marshall wrote:
Funny thing. I can give eye contact when I'm listening but not when I'm talking myself. I get distracted and lose my train of thought if I try to talk while giving constant eye contact. Have to look away to think.


But you're not suppose to give constant eye contact. That's called staring. You are suppose to make eye contact intermittently during key points of the discussion and look away at other times.


From my experience it depends highly on the person you're talking to. Some people give intermittent contact and some give a constant stare.



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03 Jan 2009, 7:28 pm

Ticker wrote:
marshall wrote:
Funny thing. I can give eye contact when I'm listening but not when I'm talking myself. I get distracted and lose my train of thought if I try to talk while giving constant eye contact. Have to look away to think.


But you're not suppose to give constant eye contact. That's called staring. You are suppose to make eye contact intermittently during key points of the discussion and look away at other times.


Actually I think constant eye contact is permitted when you can subtly change your expression to communicate non-verbally. Autistic people who are simply told to always make eye contact may do so with a constant blank look. Then it comes across as staring.

Since like most AS I'm not that expressive with my eyes the intermittent method works better for me. However I still feel like I make too little contact sometimes when I'm very deep in thought. I prefer to stare out the window when I'm thinking. Sometimes even a brief glance disrupts my train of thought.



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04 Jan 2009, 11:31 am

marshall wrote:
Ticker wrote:
marshall wrote:
Funny thing. I can give eye contact when I'm listening but not when I'm talking myself. I get distracted and lose my train of thought if I try to talk while giving constant eye contact. Have to look away to think.


But you're not suppose to give constant eye contact. That's called staring. You are suppose to make eye contact intermittently during key points of the discussion and look away at other times.


From my experience it depends highly on the person you're talking to. Some people give intermittent contact and some give a constant stare.


First eye contact topic

Well, I screwed up that interview. I thought you were supposed to look at them constantly. But when I talked, I could not look into the other's eyes. Too distracting and a sensory issue. :eew:


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04 Jan 2009, 2:18 pm

It's also a culture thing. Like in Japan constant eye contact is considered a threat or challenge. But between US and UK the eye contact rules are probably similar.

You're suppose to break eye contact throughout conversation and look at different things. Like look at their hand gestures, their sweater, something in the room, look at the floor during deeper parts of conversation etc. If they sense you are staring at them which some Aspies are guilty of, then they consider staring as psycho or rude. It creeps people out and they know something is "wrong" with you if they see you doing it. I think you need to go someplace like cafe, bus station or to a meeting of some sort and sit back and watch other people holding conversations with others. Watch how normal people do alternate eye contact and "how" they do it. Maybe I'm just not explaining it good here. But if you watch others do it the right way then you will see you aren't suppose to stare into their eyes non-stop. You aren't suppose to eye-lock them.



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04 Jan 2009, 2:40 pm

Ticker wrote:
It's also a culture thing. Like in Japan constant eye contact is considered a threat or challenge. But between US and UK the eye contact rules are probably similar.

You're suppose to break eye contact throughout conversation and look at different things. Like look at their hand gestures, their sweater, something in the room, look at the floor during deeper parts of conversation etc. If they sense you are staring at them which some Aspies are guilty of, then they consider staring as psycho or rude. It creeps people out and they know something is "wrong" with you if they see you doing it. I think you need to go someplace like cafe, bus station or to a meeting of some sort and sit back and watch other people holding conversations with others. Watch how normal people do alternate eye contact and "how" they do it. Maybe I'm just not explaining it good here. But if you watch others do it the right way then you will see you aren't suppose to stare into their eyes non-stop. You aren't suppose to eye-lock them.


You're right. When I said "constant stare" I really meant that they make contact the majority of the time and only briefly look away. They also do things like raise their eyebrows or nod their head slightly at key points in the conversation. These people never completely turn their head away, yet they don’t just give an unbroken blank stare like an AS individual might. I can't do what they do without feeling distracted. I probably spend half my time making eye contact (with short breaks) and the other half looking away. That’s the only way that works for me. My method seems acceptable though because some NT’s use almost as little eye contact as I do.