Facing fears tonight & I'm scared. Any advice?

Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 

vortex
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 104

27 Apr 2013, 10:22 am

I live in a dorm (I have my own room and my own bathroom but share the kitchen with several other students) and tonight there's a huge birthday party for a girl who lives here. There will be at least 40 people here (to me that's a huge party). I'm very anxious to say the least.

What you should know about me is that I'm diagnosed with several anxiety disorders (and depression). I've probably mentioned that before. Anyway, Social Anxiety Disorder is one of them. Since I'm also very introverted and probably have Asperger's (according to specialists) social situations are difficult for me. Socialising doesn't come naturally to me, I'm very anxious about meeting new people, I'm sensitive to noise, I don't know what to say and how to act in social situations and crowds in general make me feel like I just want to run away and hide. Sometimes I get so anxious around new people and/or new (and unpredictable) situations that I pretty much go mute. I freak out on the inside and eventually shut down.

The people in my dorm have convinced me to participate for a little while. They think it's boring that I don't really participate in events. I'm REALLY dreading the whole thing. I have an exam which I really need to study for tomorrow so I can't really drink that much tonight but still I just feel like drinking as much as possible so I don't have to feel as anxious as I would feel if I was sober (though I still feel anxious and stuff when not sober).

The party starts in about an hour. I don't want to go. I really really really don't want to and I'm scared. My heart is already beating fast, I forget to breathe sometimes and I feel that quite horrible feeling in the chest/pit of my stomach. It will get worse.

Any advice?

EDIT: Just to be clear: I'm going to the party. Just for a little while. I need to prove to myself and to the people living here that I am capable of trying (even though it freaks me out).



Last edited by vortex on 27 Apr 2013, 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

PrncssAlay
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 17 Apr 2013
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 321
Location: Midwest, Southwest, Northwest, California

27 Apr 2013, 10:26 am

vortex wrote:
I live in a dorm (I have my own room and my own bathroom but share the kitchen with several other students) and tonight there's a huge birthday party for a girl who lives here. There will be at least 40 people here (to me that's a huge party). I'm very anxious to say the least. The party starts in about an hour. I don't want to go. I really really really don't want to and I'm scared. Any advice?

Just lock the door to your room and study for your test. Your purpose in life is NOT to keep your roommates from being bored. They need to respect your personal boundaries better.



briankelley
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 666
Location: STENDEC

27 Apr 2013, 10:28 am

vortex wrote:
I live in a dorm (I have my own room and my own bathroom but share the kitchen with several other students) and tonight there's a huge birthday party for a girl who lives here. There will be at least 40 people here (to me that's a huge party). I'm very anxious to say the least.


Sounds like a NIGHTMARE.

Quote:
Any advice?


Tell the truth... "I'm not feeling well".
.



whirlingmind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,130
Location: 3rd rock from the sun

27 Apr 2013, 10:39 am

vortex wrote:
I live in a dorm (I have my own room and my own bathroom but share the kitchen with several other students) and tonight there's a huge birthday party for a girl who lives here. There will be at least 40 people here (to me that's a huge party). I'm very anxious to say the least.

What you should know about me is that I'm diagnosed with several anxiety disorders (and depression). I've probably mentioned that before. Anyway, Social Anxiety Disorder is one of them. Since I'm also very introverted and probably have Asperger's (according to specialists) social situations are difficult for me. Socialising doesn't come naturally to me, I'm very anxious about meeting new people, I'm sensitive to noise, I don't know what to say and how to act in social situations and crowds in general make me feel like I just want to run away and hide. Sometimes I get so anxious around new people and/or new (and unpredictable) situations that I pretty much go mute. I freak out on the inside and eventually shut down.

The people in my dorm have convinced me to participate for a little while. They think it's boring that I don't really participate in events. I'm REALLY dreading the whole thing. I have an exam which I really need to study for tomorrow so I can't really drink that much tonight but still I just feel like drinking as much as possible so I don't have to feel as anxious as I would feel if I was sober (though I still feel anxious and stuff when not sober).

The party starts in about an hour. I don't want to go. I really really really don't want to and I'm scared. My heart is already beating fast, I forget to breathe sometimes and I feel that quite horrible feeling in the chest/pit of my stomach. It will get worse.

Any advice?


Give your dorm-mates an analogy, ask them would they advocate a diabetic downed a pile of cake, would they advocate a recovering alcoholic had a whisky, would they advocate a paraplegic goes for a jog? Tell them, not all conditions or disabilities are obvious, and although it may appear boring to them it causes problems for you. I would therefore go out, I'd even book into a cheap motel if I had to, to escape it. If you haven't divulged your condition(s) to your dorm-mates then it makes it harder because they don't know the reason you avoid such situations, so you either tell them or make up some excuse. You could say family beckons for sorting out a problem.


_________________
*Truth fears no trial*

DX AS & both daughters on the autistic spectrum


vortex
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 104

27 Apr 2013, 10:44 am

whirlingmind wrote:
Give your dorm-mates an analogy, ask them would they advocate a diabetic downed a pile of cake, would they advocate a recovering alcoholic had a whisky, would they advocate a paraplegic goes for a jog? Tell them, not all conditions or disabilities are obvious, and although it may appear boring to them it causes problems for you. I would therefore go out, I'd even book into a cheap motel if I had to, to escape it. If you haven't divulged your condition(s) to your dorm-mates then it makes it harder because they don't know the reason you avoid such situations, so you either tell them or make up some excuse. You could say family beckons for sorting out a problem.


Two of them know about my Social Anxiety Disorder (not the other things). I just told them when they tried to convince me to come to the party the other day. One of them said "oh okay, well I think you should at least try participate for a little while" and the other one told me to just face my fears and said "it's normal to be a bit anxious when meeting new people". They don't understand.



Harry8142
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

27 Apr 2013, 10:45 am

I don't really know what you expect of the people who respond to this post, by the title you imply that you are definitely going but by the text you imply you are not. I think you ought to go, personally. You'll learn nothing by avoidance!
I of all people understand how hard this is for you, it's hard for many of us, but you do yourself no favours by staying out of it.
Do you have relaxation strategies? Or positive statements? If so, use them!
But above all, if you want my opinion that is, just do it!
Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem!



vortex
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 104

27 Apr 2013, 10:48 am

Harry8142 wrote:
I don't really know what you expect of the people who respond to this post, by the title you imply that you are definitely going but by the text you imply you are not. I think you ought to go, personally. You'll learn nothing by avoidance!
I of all people understand how hard this is for you, it's hard for many of us, but you do yourself no favours by staying out of it.
Do you have relaxation strategies? Or positive statements? If so, use them!
But above all, if you want my opinion that is, just do it!
Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem!


I'm going. I have to prove to myself and to them that I'm at least capable of trying. I don't think I'll stay for long though. I'm not sure what I expect of the people who respond to this either. I think I just want some advice but most of all I just wanted to write this to make sure that someone knows how horrible I feel about this whole situation.



Marky9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,625
Location: USA

27 Apr 2013, 10:49 am

Someone once told me that in setting boundaries I should focus on two things: 1. Say what is true; 2. Say only what is necessary.

So, in such cases I also find that "I am not feeling well" works. I find it healthy self-advocacy without compromising my integrity with some elaborate lie about headaches or such. I am still learning to respect ASD as a real live condition not too unlike more familiar medical issues, and not feeling well emotionally or mentally is just as valid as not feeling well physically; and I am under no obligation to state anything more than "not feeling well".



Harry8142
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

27 Apr 2013, 10:52 am

Yay! Have fun! Trust me, I understand how hard it is, or at least, probably understand more than your dorm mates! :lol:
One of my biggest regrets is not going to this one party everybody I knew went to, I felt like an outcast for ages afterwards and I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to go.
Still, we live and learn!
I'm sure it'll be fine, just relax! (As patronising as that sounds! :lol:) Imagine how great you'll feel if it all goes well! :)



LabPet
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,389
Location: Canada

27 Apr 2013, 10:58 am

Sorry you're so nervous, vortex.

People whom you meet do not know you are nervous inside and won't be judging you harshly like you might think. Instead, just project a nice image and you're already ahead. You don't need to talk to people much at all, instead, be a good listener! People love someone who listens - let them do the talking and smile, asking them prompting questions as necessary. You don't need to stick with the whole crowd. Instead, just find a group of 1 or 2 and approach them by just saying 'hi.' You needn't try to impress anybody. You can offer a nice (& honest) compliment to someone, like 'I like your dress.'

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself - enjoy the setting of the party. Are the flowers nice? How is the room arranged? Wear your favourite outfit and smile. Enjoy the good food and drink.

I think you should try to go. Set aside your worries (there's much more important things to worry about) and just think of it as a neutral experience where you're the observer. If you get tired or too anxious, just excuse yourself. Besides, you might meet someone who really likes you after all. :)


_________________
The ones who say “You can’t” and “You won’t” are probably the ones scared that you will. - Unknown


vortex
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 104

27 Apr 2013, 11:05 am

LabPet wrote:
Sorry you're so nervous, vortex.

People whom you meet do not know you are nervous inside and won't be judging you harshly like you might think. Instead, just project a nice image and you're already ahead. You don't need to talk to people much at all, instead, be a good listener! People love someone who listens - let them do the talking and smile, asking them prompting questions as necessary. You don't need to stick with the whole crowd. Instead, just find a group of 1 or 2 and approach them by just saying 'hi.' You needn't try to impress anybody. You can offer a nice (& honest) compliment to someone, like 'I like your dress.'

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself - enjoy the setting of the party. Are the flowers nice? How is the room arranged? Wear your favourite outfit and smile. Enjoy the good food and drink.

I think you should try to go. Set aside your worries (there's much more important things to worry about) and just think of it as a neutral experience where you're the observer. If you get tired or too anxious, just excuse yourself. Besides, you might meet someone who really likes you after all. :)


It's so awkward though. I don't really dare to look people I don't know very well in the eyes (not sure why), I get really quiet (unless people are asking me/talking about things I find interesting) and I look around at things all the time in order to try and process everything that's happening. Smiling doesn't come naturally to me either and I actually find it hard to do. Especially when anxious. I don't even know what kind of questions I should ask people. I always force myself to ask them things though. But it's awkward (at least for me).

I often feel like an observer in most group settings. I love observing things but in group situations it makes me depressed because I realise I don't belong there. Like I'm separated from the group. The odd one out.

However, I will participate for a while even though it freaks me out. I need to at least try.



vortex
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 104

27 Apr 2013, 11:20 am

CRAP! I completely forgot you're supposed to bring birthday gifts to a birthday party! First social faux pas of the night. Really freaking out now!



MjrMajorMajor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,714

27 Apr 2013, 11:26 am

You might feel better if you do make an appearance, even just a brief one before slipping out of the door. If it's just anxiety weighing on you then go, but if it's disinterest then that's different.