Do you ever get "Why didn't you....?" ?

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I tend to find people think I know what they want without ever mentioning it.

Then later I get it in the neck for not having done something previously unspecified. For example, "Why haven't you taken the bin out?", or "Why didn't you wash the dishes?".

Am I somehow expected to know it was requested without being told?

Ah, yes, I get that quite a lot.
I also get asked: "Have you done ___ yet?" when I had no idea I was supposed to be doing said thing.
It's rather confusing.

I suppose some comfort may come from the fact that it's just as annoying to the other party. Mind you, I don't so much get annoyed as begin to feel useless.


((((hugs))))

~Loving Light~

Yeah, Been There, Done That! I was very confused. And now I have it from the other side of the situation. I'm also the mom of an Aspie, and we go around on this sort of thing all the time. Because I know how it feels to be blindsided, I've taken great pains to make sure expectations are clear.

For example we have house rules - one of which is that my daughter, while unemployed, is to keep the house neat and tolerably clean. She knows that constitutes, as we had the house on the market for sale a few years ago and I use a less strict version of that as an example. It means that when the trash bag is full, it is taken out. At the time it becomes full. When dishes are dirty, they are to be put in the dishwasher. At the time they are finished being used. When the dishwasher is full, it is to be turned on and the dishes washed. When the dishwasher is done, the dishes are to be taken out and put in the cupboards. As in, as soon as the dishes are dry.

We go through the same thing every week - "You didn't tell me to...." when we've had the discussion every week. I end up saying "remember how the house was when it was for sale? Did you keep your craft supplies spread out all over the living room rug for days on end at that time? No? Then don't do it now. Put them away when not in use. I should not have, at this point, to tell her to take care of chores. The basic, overall, house rules that have been in place since she was a toddler are: If she notices something is dirty, clean it. If she takes it out, put it away again. If it's broken, fix it if possible. Don't leave clothing laying all over the house, etc..... When she was younger I tried to get compliance with all that - with charts put up on the fridge and rewards for positive effort.

They didn't work, either.

She tells me that she just doesn't notice that things need to be done. Which is something I ~do~ realize. The end result of the project is that she LEARNS to notice, and then to take the appropriate action. That it becomes a habit that will serve her when I'm dead and gone. Learning to realize and act on the things that are not readily apparent is one of the hardest things to do. In our current situation, it's housework and being aware of surroundings. We're also working on the general cultural expectations, and have been since she was very young - the "why didn't you" or "why in the world did you" situations. Since they are not intuitive, they have to be studied and learned. You really have to be able to see them coming and know how to deal with them.

It's a pain in the backside, and it's a shame that that's the way the world runs, but it IS the way the world runs. Soooo, you'll get farther if you start watching people, behaviors, etc., and learning what's expected of you. Once you know that, you have the option to NOT do it if you choose, but it'll be a choice at that point.

Good luck.

When I was a teenager, my mother would frequently get annoyed and I would later discover that she would have liked me to have helped her with something in the kitchen. So I asked her to call me if she wanted any help. She did, but there were still times when she got annoyed because I wasn't aware she needed any help.

My mother in law also used to believe I could read her mind, even though I had not given her any reason to to suspect that I could do that!

Oh, my mom did that ALL the time. Turns out that, culturally, I was expected to offer to assist every time, rather than waiting to be asked. As waiting to be asked put the burden on the asker, which is not how it's supposed to work. I think.

The dialog around my house went:

Mom--I shouldn't have to tell you these things--you should just know! !!

Teenaged me--Well, obviously I don't, so it would save time if you would just tell me.

I learned after a few go-rounds that this was not the appropriate answer. But I still never acquired psychic powers.

Oh, that sounds SO familiar!! !! "Just know* Yeah. Right.

I have arguments like that with my mum. Normally I reply with something that is merely logic, like what you said, and she'll get pissed off at me and assume I'm just being cheeky. She never justifies anything she asks me to do, either. I can understand something like "take out the recycling", because that's cos it needs doing, but sometimes she'll make a big fuss cos I want to eat my dinner in my room, and she won't explain why because she thinks she can just use that awful annoying phrase, "because I say so".

I have this argument with my parents weekly.
"Why haven't you cleaned your room?"
"I didn't know I was supposed to."
"How could you not know to clean it? It's a mess!"
"...You never told me to clean it..."
"We shouldn't have to tell you."

Next time I'll just read their minds and make their every wish come true.

James, you could clean your room one specific day of the week, that way you wouldn't have to wait for someone to tell you or try to figure out when it was dirty enough to clean. Or you could clean it every night before bed, if you don't want it to get that messy.

constantly

here's my solution, do everything thats humanly possible to do, all the time, never sleep

this way, you are bound to have done what they expect you to do!
*rises and lowers eyebrows quickly*

I always used to get:
"Why didn't you do the dishes/ clothes washing/ feed pets?"
And I would reply "Did you ask me to?"
"Why do I need to ask you to do it! You sit on your arse all day and do nothing!"
"Ok ok I'll do it" mumbles "I'd like to see you bloody do it"

So now I just do those things before I get yelled at.
A clean room is my own responsibility, expect once I had to clean it when guests came over.
"Why? They're not going to see my room. I don't want them in there!"
I was a cheeky little brat.

I get that a lot from my father. Apparently I'm meant to notice everything that needs doing (I genuinely don't notice; it's not laziness like he thinks it is) and to have the same priorities that he does when it comes to what should get done.

Same here, it's like my mum asks me to make a cup of tea so I give her one and she's like "did you make your dad one?" and I'm like "you didn't tell me too"
why can't people just ask me to do stuff instead of leaving me to do all the bloody mind reading!

Yes! Trust me if my mom asks me to do something I usually do it. But she will come home and be like you didn't unload the dishwasher when she said nothing about it.