How Have you processed death?

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Several people close to me have died - both grandmothers, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a stepfather who lived with my mother for 19 years while i was growing up. lived in the same house for years as me.

I did not feel anything "major" regarding any their deaths. oh, a bit here and there. But not the usual grief reactions one is supposed to experience.
Some others in my family were devastated, while the more autistic of us seemed to process these events quite differently. (i am NOT making the assumption there was no feeling here, just very different to the usual.)

has someone close to you carked it?
how have you responded?

It's an issue of loss and the lack thereof. I notice this a lot in group therapy where I will be completely startled that people miss people and that I don't miss anybody within the group.

same here. my grandfather died some years ago, i think i was the only one who didnt cry or anything. and we were close, he tought me lots of stuff, and we always talked in his room while he had his cig, and everyone else were in the livingroom

I never cry at funerals. However, I might cry years later after a person dies if I think about them and something triggers it.

My mother died, and it was really rough for me.

I was the one who ended up with her in her final weeks and was responsible for her when she died. I felt very responsible for not taking care of her well, because cancer when it gets into Stage 4 creates a cascade of medical problems as the body's systems start collapsing. I tried to keep up with the problems to help get her better so that she could go into immunotherapy, but she got to me too late. She was in too bad of condition to recover and I had too much of a learning curve so was always figuring out how to solve a new medical problem after it became really severe. She was in terrible pain and suffered for every mistake I made. It was really horrific and emotionally and mentally difficult.

I quit working last year for a lot of reasons, but part of it was to get myself together again as I was just too stressed and needed time to recover from that experience.

Her cancer had a big effect on my perception of how to live a healthy life. Firstly, I needed to have a better diet and recover my health after all that stress and distress created problems that took a toll. But also, Asians like my mother are supposed to have very long and cancer-free lives. My grandmother lived to be in her high 90's and died only after she broke her hip while living on her own. My mother died of cancer after spending a long time converted to an American fast food diet, McDonald's and all. So I know that my own expectation of living a long and healthy life is not a given, due to genetics, but that I have to avoid what my mother did and live like my long-lived Asian family members do -- not eating the standard American diet, by exercising and living an optimistic and constructive life.

I would say her death has had a big impact on me. In addition to the lifestyle insecurity and stressful hospice experience, I was in shock emotionally for a while.

When I was 10 and my grandmother died, I was happy, because I love disasters just as long as they aren't happening to me. When I was 12 and my grandfather died, I didn't hear about it until after the funeral. My father just didn't care. He's like me. When someone at the funeral asked him where I was, he said I wasn't there because he didn't want me to miss a day of school. (I was going to a private school and he was paying for me to go there and that was more important to him than his father, who beat him and verbally and emotionally abused him as a kid). He didn't want me around his father, even in his last days, because of how he treated him when he was a kid. Am I getting off topic?

My dad died when I was 14 and I've had a lot of aunts, uncles, and grandparents die. I cried a little bit (as in just a few minutes, if that) then I was on with my life as normal. I cried more when my dad died than anyone else and it wasn't because I missed him it was because there were so many people around and so much chaos that I was having meltdowns. People think I'm really callous when it comes to death but to me death is a fact of life, it's that strong logical thinker in me.

Much the same way you deal with it Millie. I worked for six years in Policing and violent/tragic death did not phase me in the least. Other peoples reactions confused and made me uncomfortable. At one time I thought less of myself because of my lack of reaction, but no longer.

I have no fear of my own death and have no want for any mythical after life to ease any anxiety. Have come to the conclusion that the majority of people need to believe there is an after life/heaven/paradise or some grand meaning to life to comfort their fear of mortality. Don't see a problem with these beliefs if a person can function better in life.

Don't feel anything.

Same here. I miss people I loved, but I just don't get terribly emotional. I know that death is as much a part of life as birth, so it doesn't hit me the same way as those around me seem to process it. Some people see that as a real negative. I have a hard time giving sympathetic responses to very religious folks when they describe everything in terms of an afterlife. I understand that it's important to them, but it vexes me and I don't agree with it. I do however see the dead person's influence on other people and see that as a kind of legacy or even immortality, as if people absorb everybody who was ever important to them. I've almost died once myself and I'm ready to go when it's my time.

When I was more observant I served in the Havorah Kadeshah (Jewish Burial Society). We prepared the bodies of the deceased for burial. That involved a thorough washing of the body and wrapping the body in a biodegradable shroud or burial cloth, then placing the deceased in a biodegradable wooden coffin. No embalming or painting of the corpse (yuchh!).

Serving in this capacity gave me a realistic understanding of death and dealing with the bereaved living friends and relatives of the dead person.

After a while one gets used to it and there is no fear or anxiety about it. We are born, we live, we die, we rot. So it goes.

ruveyn

I just wanted to add that I didn't really spend much time with my mother recently or think about her much. I don't really see the rest of my family, either. I don't care for them much.

For some reason, something about her situation really internalized for me, when it landed in my lap.

...I'm taking a human anatomy class.

I've often been confused in what the proper way to process death would be.

I lost about 3 people in my family this year, my grandparents and my nephew. The process I keep going through is a blank state or state of denial I think...as if they were still alive. In fact I keep asking them to come back like they just went on vacation or something. Then I go through anger like it's their fault and then I get mad at everyone else. Been trying not to these days but I keep questioning what I or anyone else could've done to keep it from happening especially my nephew. I've been real angry at my brother in law and sister lately like it's their fault for his death.

When my grandparents died I got numb at first like nothing happened. I couldn't cry or mourn like my family was doing. At the funeral party I got so angry and wanted to leave. Everyone seem to be having a good time or treating it like it was some happy ceremonious thing. I also experienced anger at most of the pastors and people praying for them since I don't believe in god. Why....I don't know but lately I've also been feeling a bit sensative to atheists as well.

Not sure if I've really gone through the grief process. I still hurt inside but can't express it through crying or emotions like some people do. In fact I just lay in bed whenever the feeling comes to me. What's worse is I still hear their voices talking to me....they were really close and I it's still hard not to get use to them gone.


Ugh....it's really changed the way I view death. I'd have to say I come off more angry than I do sad. If it weren't for this forum, I'd probably be going crazy!

When I was very young, I only had two or three grandparents surviving, and all of them died before I was 10 years old. My parents were in their late 30s/early 40s when they had me. The first time I went to a funeral I told a joke (fortunately just to my dad) and got scowled at. People seemed to think I'd be more upset by deaths, every single time I've had to deal with one, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to think, or how I'm supposed to act.

Last year my mom died, and I got the dreaded phone call while I was at work. I took the news calmly, but I recall a few tears sliding out when I had to tell my boss why I had to leave. I distinctly remember not crying any time after that. All the family I dealt with (aside from my dad) was still treating me like a kid, very patronizing and probably trying to ingratiate themselves to me since my mom died intestate.

I didn't feel grief or loss, just that feeling of "wait, I can't do that anymore" when I felt like calling her up to tell her the latest news from college or work. Dealing with all the worldly goods she left behind was pretty draining, and that's about the closest thing to unpleasant feelings I've had regarding death. I do miss her unflagging support sometimes, and I'm very glad that an older friend of mine gave me the advice he did:

"Don't forget about your parents. Someday they'll be gone and you'll wish they weren't."

Ephemerella, thanks for sharing. My mother died 4 weeks ago and I went through a very similar experience as yours in the last couple years. The hardest part is the guilty feelings for not having known how to take better care of her. As you say, I was always learning on the spot, and often too late. Apart from the guilt, I feel all the usual emotions, I go from anger to sadness to despair and denial and numbness and depression and acceptance. It's most difficult to cope with because I have no one to talk to about all this, no friend or relative to share with.