I need love if I want to live.

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Dp

Last edited by ZakFiend on 25 Apr 2009, 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Luck plays a major role. Sometimes women take an interest in you or you take an interest in them, something happens and that's great. But when you fall for someone and something would happen, except that person is mentally ill and she decides that after all she does not want to get close to anyone because she fears she might kill herself one day, that's bad luck. And when someone comes onto you, you fall for her and something would happen, except that she decides that actually she does want to be with her previous boyfriend after all, that's bad luck. Since they're both the closest to success I've come, I feel I've been rather unlucky.

They are quite warranted, since I used to complain along the same lines he did, blaming everyone but myself for all my lifes problems.

Even his teachers said he had no self-esteem, he is emanating self hatred and even his teachers notice. My apologies for coming off so intense but he's holding himself back, and I speak from years of experience where most people on this board speak without having been there, so they can't even begin to understand.

He is depressed and he thinks getting a girlfriend will make him happy, he has yet to realize that after the initial happyness wears off, or they break up, he'll be back at square one again, is he going to live his life like that the rest of is life, being needy and approval seeking, or is he going to ever have the courage to love and respect himself? I can tell he suffers from depression, and hence I suggested him seeing someone about it, I very certain that a girlfriend would not solve his unhappyness. When you are as unhappy as he expressed in his post and even his teachers said "he had no self esteem" (everyone can see it), that is a major evidence that he needs support and guidance.

You really speak like someone who has no life experience at all, what you call "Luck" is merely someones preferences. Every girl you meet you won't hit it off with. But that's not "luck" that's just the TRUTH, there's a difference. But say you date 20, 30, 40 girls and you don't hit it off with any of them. Mathematically you are definitely doing something wrong and you need werewithall to find out what it is and work on practicing improving yourself. I've been through the whole process, the real problem stems from within and that's the hardest part - being able to see yourself and self-realization that you are holding yourself back.

I'm in total agreement. We are different and have to adapt. Of course, society and social constructivism plays a role but that role is hugely constrained by biology. If you are lucky enough to find someone is perfectly happy with you as you are, great for you, but it would be very foolish to rely on that. If you don't want to change, that you hate that society is created by NT's and not us, then you best accept you will always probably be alone and try and make what you can. If you want success, you have to move beyond what feels natural to you, you will have to make an effort to become something an NT will be attracted to. Hiding behind AS (or anything) is of no use to anyone.

Last edited by oppositedirection on 25 Apr 2009, 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I also totally agree that realising that you are different, realising how this affects your life and making accounts for it is really one of the best things you can do. It has certainly helped me immensely. Of course nothing will happen between me and most women I know, attraction is a two way things. Someone with AS is less likely to get those situations when two people click even if they make an effort, but some are likely to come up eventually if effort is made. It's just that when this happens and both people are attracted and interested in each other and want to be together, they usually get together, providing nothing particularly unusual happens. Unfortunately, the twice I've got to that last stage, something particularly unusual did happen. It's that particularly unusual thing I'm calling bad luck.

Oh, ok. I finally get it now.

-- so as a male, when some guy is really attraction to a woman - he should just respect that deep instinct and just rape her to get as many women pregnant as possible. Meets the need of the species to expand.
-- If a guy feels like another person is a threat to himself, but doesn't do anything hostile - he should just take a gun and shoot the person who makes him fell threatened. As his instinct says they didn't fit in around here. Just like the military and police do, "overwhelming force" is going to keep you the safest. So what if a few innocent people die.
-- Somebody gets hit with a water balloon by some kids. Let that rage go full tilt, they should bash their skull in as that's what instincts say. Screw thinking, calming down, and tolerance.
-- Black people make a white store owner owner uncomfortable, so he puts up a sign that says "not welcome here". Plus his customer seem more happy too, as they agree with him!
-- Women just seem to not get the way men think, so put up a law that says they shouldn't be able to vote.

Maybe you need to consider the possibility that too many women in today's society are out to emotionally hurt men. With 50% divorce rate, many women have "daddy issues". they dress in sexy ways and invest so much time and effort to be attractive (instinct manipulation) - to force men into emotinal submission. "sex sells" in advertising and everywhere else. You think I'm paranoid?

Sure, you can just say 'sensitive men' are all wimps and it's ok. but maybe you need to face that anything can be taken too far. Just like racial relations and such, there are things such as "reverse prejudice". The women's lib thing is only in the past 100 years, it fits with the timing. Open your eyes. I suggest you read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men%27s_movement

Society has a lot more money than 80 years ago. People have a lot more leisure time. What do they do with it? Society isn't more happy, it is pretty screwed up.

Aspies use their logical brains, and aspie brains get cooked by this emotional abuse. I'm generalizing, as are you, but you need to maybe reconsider your stance to "respect instinct".

You aren't going to find easy answers to these problems. But you are asking thinking logical men (Aspies) to submit to instinct - which may at time means emotions and sensory input. I really don't think that's good advice for most Aspie men.

People are influenced by instinct, not dominated nor should we let it dominate. ZakFiend is pointing out some of the influence of instinct, he is not saying that this implies we should allow instincts to dominate, as you are parodying. His main point is that while we might not be happy with the influence of instinct, anyone who rejects is putting themselves whereby getting relationships are significantly less likely.

That said, I'm not sure I buy that Do any women here have any opinions on this? Even if you were right about being a good father also means being caring. Someone with intelligence is going to probably come across more caring than having a flash car.

You and I are on the same page here. Aspies are very reliable men and not likely to leave a mate. The flashy car guys are often "players".

I think what we have here is a breakdown of society. The divorce rate, the extended lifespan, the economic.

Oppositedirection, I encourage you to watch this BBC documentary series if you haven't seen it: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 3825999151
The Century Of The Self, Adam Curtis

I am curious what your thoughts are on this relative to the flashy car guys and why they seem to thrive in current times.

Just relax and be yourself.

I can't speak for the original poster, but I earlier saw many of my disabilities as a standard MALE problem. MANY TV series, MANY books, statistics, etc.... made that CLEAR! And I can't do several things because I am only ONE person! And I am STRAIGHT! I am reasonably healthy, in pretty good condition, can provide for another person, etc.... So WHAT is the answer?

1. It would be nice to have someone that isn't male.
2. It would be nice to have another person to help a bit.
3. I WOULD like a wife.

Gee, it sounds like a nice trustworthy woman would satisfy all three conditions. Likewise, SHE may need a person that isn't female, and want a husband, and I could help HER out!

So what is not to understand? Of course, you ARE giving up freedom(BOTH should give a bit), and there IS the trust issue. Outside of that, it WOULD be better! HECK, our costs would probably be cut substantially, and we could save more. My taxes could maybe drop to near ZERO! Just the INCOME on that could pay for any new costs. If she were paying for an apartment, she could cut that cost out. I have a nice 4 home in a nice area. If we had 2 kids, they could even each have their own room.

So what is stoping you? I hope you dont blame your AS

With Regards to the original poster, it seemed he had some problems in his life and figured by being in a relationship everything will become hunky dory. Placing too much emphasis on love and being in a relationship isnt the best thing to do when you have never experienced it. You put it on a pedestel. Start to romanticize it. Love isnt like what you witness in the movies, or wistfully read about in books. In reality it isnt something anyone should be crying themselves to sleep at night about.

Relationships are very hard work and stressful too unless you're one of the 10 or 15% of couples that just click. And I'm not sure love helps all that much. What does help is being sensible, level-headed, realistic, honest, communicative, humble and willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship thrive. You both need to be able to look at your faults and work on the ones that get in the way of a happy relationship. One partner can't do all the work. It takes both.

Couples sometimes brag that the woman has to train her husband. But this is just a standing joke. Sure there's truth in it. But it goes both ways. I know this couple were the man is a workaholic and extremely insecure. He needs to be thanked not once but 2 or 3 times with enthusiasm every time he does something. And he's always doing stuff...so that means his wife has to thank him all the time for every little thing he does. And she has learned she must do it, if she values her marriage and wants it to continue. Which she does. To me it's downright embarrassing, or pathetic. But I'm not very good at relationships.

Your partner doesn't exist just to stroke your ego. However, that being said, look around at the successful marriages.....there is almost a sickening amount of ego stroking going on, in both directions. People think love or sex or money is the glue that holds relationships together. I think it is ego stroking. Mutual validation.

Last edited by alba on 26 Apr 2009, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, there HAVE been soome lost opportunities because of AS. That is FACT! My mother, friends. and even my analyzing things after the fact made that clear! That IS an AS symptom! FURTHER, I don't get out much, so there are few opportunities. ANOTHER fact, and ANOTHER symptom! So could I blame AS? YEP!

As for now, the parameters of what I would want don't fit what can likely be, or with what I would be willing to have. So it is somewhat "academic" now. Besides, I am FAR too cynical to marry anyone without knowing them for a longer period, etc...

As for romanticising, etc... I KNOW the OP doesn't do that to the degree you imply. I certainly don't. After all, we weren't going to have just ANYONE!

No you didn't understand what I am getting at, I'm saying that you have to meet another persons needs and you have to understand that being an aspie you can BE self absorbed and egotistical and think you are a 'sensitive man' but in reality it's not the case. I've been through this process so I speak from experience. Aspies have poor self-insight into how they come off to other people, partially because they lack that 'theory of mind'. They process emotions on an intellectual level so they tend to intellectualize everything. But the majority of people on earth do not, so aspies become lost and confused at this lack of intellecutalization in other people.

When I say "weak hearted man", if you see a man who's scared of approaching women and is constantly anxious and nervous all the time when out in a social environment, most women are going to be turned off by that. That's an evolutionary instinct. That person does not display *strength*. Women unconsciously look for strength and I don't mean 'big muscles'. I mean confidence in his own existence that he has value, they look for a person that values himself. If a person believes they have no value and is isn't worthy of love or companionship and shows this outwardly througn nervousness and anxiety then a woman is going to pick up on this and be turned off by it. It's that simple.

No one wants to be around a person that doesn't enjoy life, and that's the big issue with many aspies - they don't realize they are biologically - fountains of pessimism.

Geeze guys.....

Will one of you please write something that just finally kills this thread already?