Why can't we Aspies keep freinds?

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Is it because of our peculiar traits?


Is it because we don't have charisma?

Charisma has nothing to do with it. I have much charisma but I get bored with having friends. I think many young aspies are desperate for friends without realizing why. I'm 25 now but when I was 16-20 I was frustrated because of my "lack" of friends (even though I in reality actually had friends, kind of). The real source of this frustration was that I didn't get anything out of having friends, they were just a pointless bonus in my life nothing more. A way to kill time. In the long run I became depressed from having friends. People I once knew still ask my siblings from time to time about me, even though I haven't spoken to anyone in years. I think even quite a few people appreciated my company casually even though we never were really close friends.

I think aspies don't have friends because friends provide very little stimulation for many aspies. Compared to a special interest, friends are just a way to kill time. If someone feels really stimulated from having friends, he will probably make a few friends as well. Some people, both NT and aspie are bully victims but being a bully victim isn't universal. There are always a place or people for you if you really want others in your life.
Personally I believe many aspies just shut people out because of boredom. The friendship relations don't bring anything particularly valuable to the life of an aspie.

It's a lot more the human condition than an NT or an Aspie condition.

I think it's an overgeneralisation. I have one person who has been my friend for fourteen years.

Most NT's crave all the stimulation and excitement I run from. I have folks who appreciate me and occasionally enjoy my company, but I'm not "fun" in their glitter and glam mold. I really get pissed when I hear about our supposed lack of reciprocity. I find myself conforming, giving, pretending to care about "their" things and then I do not get that back. It's a different way of living and I chose not to participate in things that don't feed my soul. If it makes me uncomfortable and anxious, why am I there?
Now, when you find another person who is like you, it may not look like much of a friendship to NTs as you might not spend alot of time together. I have a couple of friends that I rarely ever see or even talk to but they are truly always there for me when I really need them and we shared some special interests. The difference is that they have NT friends who they socialize with more. But that constant thing of hey come over for dinner let's see a movie let's go shopping lets go clubbing- no thank you.

I can't keep friends 'cause it hardly ever comes up in me to ask the person to do something together.
OR I get too clingy, think we're friends but we're not...
Or I get stuck in a sucky time where it's very hard to keep in contact with anyone.

Also, I'm having a very rocky friendship with someone 'cause I keep telling them I'll come visit them but then cancel 'cause I just can't. I'd have to stay the night, it's a new city I've never been too, the food would be different from what I eat at home etc.
All lame reasons, but they 'cause me to panic anyway, when I think about it. I'm sure that if I (wo)man up, and go it'll be okay... it's just the initial step I can't take.

I'm also more than happy to only do something with a friend once every two months or so. Which doesn't fly with others;)

I have 1 friend, 15 years and runnin.

One reason is they can't conform to make friends. Especially in high school, how do you supposed to fit in and make friends if you can't be yourself?

To help you feel any better, even regular people don't always keep their friends. They lost contact with each other, one of them moves away and doesn't even contact their friend or their other friend doesn't contact them or even bother to stop by and see them when they happen to be visiting the area they moved to, their interests change, one of them changes their personality and the other friend doesn't like what their friend has become, etc.


My dad has a few friends from his childhood but they don't really keep in touch and my mother has no friends from her childhood. She lost in touch with our neighbor after we moved to Montana.


What's the different between us and none aspies not keeping friends? Do we lose them quicker than none aspies do?

Why can't Aspies make friends? At different times it's for different reasons. Most people crave friends in childhood, whether they be Aspie or NT. My theory is most Aspies are idealists. We have this preconcieved idea of love and friendship and we are disappointed with the reality so we might act like we don't need them but just about everyone is better off with a friend or two, because they can help you with things like putting an entertainment center or outdoor furniture together, come to your bar-b-ques and birthday parties, not to mention help you out on moving day, especially if one has a pick up truck.
In childhood we have problems with the give and take of friendship or we might say the wrong thing without realizing it. We get on their nerves and we don't know why. This can leave us very frustrated because we don't understand why we annoy them.
A few of us, and I was like this, might be a bit emotionally immature, too. It's the PDD aspect of AS. Theoretically, it's still a pervasive developmental disorder, which means some of our development might be "off" for our age group.
After we go thru childhood, many of us lose the craving for friendship because we view it as a huge hassle that leaves us confused and frustrated and can lead to the unsavory side of AS which isn't that charming.
We have had time to consider what it was that was driving us nuts all that time and we conclude: it's our friends. So we give up and distance ourselves.

I know I have lost friends for the following reasons.
1. Meltdowns/anxiety attacks- My meltdowns are very mean to other people. In some ways they were a defense over adverse situations, but they have evolved into being monstrocities I cannot control.
2. Periods of isolation. There are periods i will not talk to a person for months. Especially if a special interest wraps me up. I am not that good at friend maintance.
3. Language - I use a type of language and tone in language that many people find alienating when meant to convey an observation or discuss a topic, it can come off as critical or combative. The truth is I am often radically honest (unless i am in a meltdown).
4. Reasons I have no clue about, because NT are complicated.

i don't care if i have friends. i just want a boyfriend.

Well, there's a few things, based on my experiences:

1. Peer pressure. My now former best friend and I almost made it to 20 years as the best of friends. Now, his other friends had been pressuring him for years to drop me, to be part of the cool crowd; he admitted he's not as strong as I am, and I'm sure in him deep down it was always a conflicting issue for him. Well...there's a reason I referred to him as my former best friend. We're still friends but not even remotely close now. I say give it a wedding or two, and our friendship will likely cease to exist.

2. I managed to gain a social life, finally, after high school. The folks in that group I either outgrew, they moved on, or I still talk to 'em.

As for actual pre-school thru high school..heh, prepare yourself for this: apparently folks in my neck never heard of Autism, as I became an urban legend in my area due to how weird I came off to everybody. Yeah, believe it. Everybody knew me, whether or not I knew them.

Everybody knows me where I live now too...but now it's for good reasons.