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activebutodd
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26 Jul 2009, 7:48 am

"Duck!"

"Where?"

*thump*


:lol:



b9
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26 Jul 2009, 8:48 am

i will only post stuff i thought of in this thread. they are my literal jokes. they are funny to me.

someone told me they are afraid when they drive home from the pub that they will be caught for drink driving at a "breathalyzer stop".
a "breathalyzer stop" is a series of police cars and buses that gather on the side of the road and they pull people over to test their breath. they always set up in an area where if drunk drivers see them, they have no legitimate roads to turn off into. they are usually set up after a bend in a long stretch of road, and when a driver sees the booze buses, their only method of potential escape is to suddenly do a U-turn, whereupon a police car will rapidly start chasing them.

so my "solution" is this:

when you go around a bend and see a booze bus "camp" with lights all blaring, you pull over onto the shoulder well before you reach them and switch the car off, and then get out and start swigging from a bottle of whiskey.

a policeman will certainly get in his car and turn around and speed back to inspect you. he will see that you are hastily drinking from a bottle of spirits while you wait outside your car for him to arrive.

at that point there is no use doing a breath test because it can not be determined whether your blood alcohol level is a result of what you drank after switching your car off and getting out.

when they angrily say " why are you drinking that?" you say "because i have serious anxiety attacks every time i see police lights, and i that is why i stopped had to have a drink to calm my nerves".

that is possibly ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) humor. especially if there is a mild smirk on the face of the drinker after the policeman realizes he can not charge them.



gina-ghettoprincess
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26 Jul 2009, 9:36 am

b9 wrote:
i will only post stuff i thought of in this thread. they are my literal jokes. they are funny to me.

someone told me they are afraid when they drive home from the pub that they will be caught for drink driving at a "breathalyzer stop".
a "breathalyzer stop" is a series of police cars and buses that gather on the side of the road and they pull people over to test their breath. they always set up in an area where if drunk drivers see them, they have no legitimate roads to turn off into. they are usually set up after a bend in a long stretch of road, and when a driver sees the booze buses, their only method of potential escape is to suddenly do a U-turn, whereupon a police car will rapidly start chasing them.

so my "solution" is this:

when you go around a bend and see a booze bus "camp" with lights all blaring, you pull over onto the shoulder well before you reach them and switch the car off, and then get out and start swigging from a bottle of whiskey.

a policeman will certainly get in his car and turn around and speed back to inspect you. he will see that you are hastily drinking from a bottle of spirits while you wait outside your car for him to arrive.

at that point there is no use doing a breath test because it can not be determined whether your blood alcohol level is a result of what you drank after switching your car off and getting out.

when they angrily say " why are you drinking that?" you say "because i have serious anxiety attacks every time i see police lights, and i that is why i stopped had to have a drink to calm my nerves".

that is possibly ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) humor. especially if there is a mild smirk on the face of the drinker after the policeman realizes he can not charge them.


That is an awesome idea!


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b9
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26 Jul 2009, 11:41 am

gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
b9 wrote:
i..................


That is an awesome idea!


no it is not a functional idea. it is just a joke. (i may try it if ever i drive drunk, but i do not drive drunk because i just steer my car when it is going down the road with me in it, and it is better to try to steer it than to let it go out of control).

another idea that is more mechanical is to have a small canister of compressed carbon dioxide with you. like those little carbon dioxide canisters that you plug into "soda streams".
pop it into your mouth just as the constable offers you the tube to breathe into, then bite the end off, and there will be a rush of sterile carbon dioxide that fills his machine that will be satisfied with the volume of gas that it received.

"thankyou sir... have a good night" they may say to me just before i power off and "gift wrap" a power pole with my car.



OddFinn
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26 Jul 2009, 11:59 am

b9 wrote:
when you go around a bend and see a booze bus "camp" with lights all blaring, you pull over onto the shoulder well before you reach them and switch the car off, and then get out and start swigging from a bottle of whiskey.


Yes, it is a good idea to keep some alcohol in your car. Think of this: If you crash into another car, you can say to the other driver: "You seem so upset, and so am I. Come, let's drink some of this to calm our nerves." Then you hand the bottle to the other driver. When they have taken a sip or two, they might wonder why you are not drinking. Then you can say: "Not yet, I'll wait for the police to came first, and when they leave then I'll drink."

I could not do something that nasty to anyone, but it's sometimes fun to have nasty ideas. :twisted:


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DaWalker
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26 Jul 2009, 12:20 pm

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.
"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.



b9
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26 Jul 2009, 12:22 pm

OddFinn wrote:
b9 wrote:
when you go around a bend and see a booze bus "camp" with lights all blaring, you pull over onto the shoulder well before you reach them and switch the car off, and then get out and start swigging from a bottle of whiskey.


Yes, it is a good idea to keep some alcohol in your car. Think of this: If you crash into another car, you can say to the other driver: "You seem so upset, and so am I. Come, let's drink some of this to calm our nerves." Then you hand the bottle to the other driver. When they have taken a sip or two, they might wonder why you are not drinking. Then you can say: "Not yet, I'll wait for the police to came first, and when they leave then I'll drink."


i could not trust that anyone would fall for a trap like that. i imagine they may say to a suggestion that they drink after we have collided ...."what the hell? you've got to be joking!! !"

so it may be a good idea to have some "blow darts" full of alcohol that you can pump into the other person when they turn around to check something that you point out behind them.

then, when they collapse into an alcoholic delirium, you retrieve the darts and dispose of them and wait for the ambulance.
hopefully, the recipient of the darts will not realize he has been "darted" when he wakes up. if he does not, no lines of investigation about my involvement in their drunkenness would open up.

but that is a desperate measure that i would take only if i had not planned things properly earlier.



gina-ghettoprincess
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26 Jul 2009, 12:28 pm

b9 wrote:
gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
b9 wrote:
i..................


That is an awesome idea!


no it is not a functional idea. it is just a joke. (i may try it if ever i drive drunk, but i do not drive drunk because i just steer my car when it is going down the road with me in it, and it is better to try to steer it than to let it go out of control).

another idea that is more mechanical is to have a small canister of compressed carbon dioxide with you. like those little carbon dioxide canisters that you plug into "soda streams".
pop it into your mouth just as the constable offers you the tube to breathe into, then bite the end off, and there will be a rush of sterile carbon dioxide that fills his machine that will be satisfied with the volume of gas that it received.

"thankyou sir... have a good night" they may say to me just before i power off and "gift wrap" a power pole with my car.


I know, but it would be fun to try, LOL.


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DaWalker
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26 Jul 2009, 12:59 pm

Two blonds walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Anna sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice, don't you think Lea"
"Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what in the hell does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
Anna takes another sniff and whiff, and offers her arm to Lea again saying.....
"That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"



DarrylZero
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27 Jul 2009, 2:13 am

Person 1: Can I ask a stupid question?
Person 2: Better than anyone I know!

:roll:



b9
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27 Jul 2009, 9:59 am

gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
b9 wrote:
gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
b9 wrote:
i..................


That is an awesome idea!


no it is not a functional idea. it is just a joke.


I know, but it would be fun to try, LOL.


yes i believe you know, but i had to say it was a joke to you so other people would not pounce on me for saying something that a young person should not hear.

i am sure you are mature enough to know the humor in what i said, but when you said "that idea is awesome", i got worried that moderators or other people would slam me for posting such a thought that a "minor" had "picked up". that is why i publicly refuted it to you. just so i could be seen to say i do not advise doing it in reality.

it was not to steer you right, but to satisfy others that i am not trying to influence people wrongly.



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27 Jul 2009, 10:20 pm

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

* Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.*

* Men keep reading *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

* Men Keep reading *

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!



kissmyarrrtichoke
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30 Jul 2009, 9:03 am

Ha I've fallen victim to many literal things, that become jokes because of me whether originally intended to be or not. Quite a few in geography lessons when my teacher would take the mickey out of me for what I didn't understand.

*talking about flood prevention techniques*
TEACHER: Just make sure you don't muddy the water too much in your essay (mix things up)
ME: How does muddying the water help?

TEACHER: He (another teacher) goes to Glenn Miller concerts
ME: Who's Glenn Miller?
TEACHER: He's dead
ME: How does he go to concerts then?
TEACHER: He doesn't! It was a joke
ME: Oh

And various other awkward comments from me making me look a right idiot. Never told them about my AS, though my teacher told me he'd noticed I take things very literally throughout my 2 A level years.


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DaWalker
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02 Aug 2009, 7:15 pm

A local charity realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to extract a contribution.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are well beyond her means?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "OR that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"OR how about that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"



gina-ghettoprincess
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07 Aug 2009, 9:24 am

In Turkey, I was at the bar at the hotel, and the bartender asked how long I'd been there, and I said, "A few minutes," but he meant how long have I been in Turkey, LOL.


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11 Aug 2009, 8:26 pm

Hilarious thread! :lol:

"My brother doesn't have a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

Look out - explosives inside.