Telling people in public off if they're rude....

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I have an anger problem, and I have a feisty side that I know needs to go. I am 28 years old and I can't go make a scene, yet I can't let someone act any old way they want.

In October, I was at a Christian Concert jumping around and I got shoved twice by a couple and his wife who happened to be standing behind me near their seating, I turned around the first time and the husband yelled in my ear, "You're jumping all over your wife." I moved away and tried not to let it bother me and then it happened a second time. I got pushed again and yelled at again. I then snapped and shouted, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, shut up!" I then walked off and broke down.

Last month, I went to school and went to order some food in the school cafeteria, and the people behind the counter said, "OOhhh, I'm sorry we are out of that item," with a big grin and a hint of sarcasm in their voice. I then wanted to order something else but one of the other clerks said that they were out of the other item. Meanwhile, the same person who told me that they were out of the first thing said, "I'm afraid you're a little late." She then laughed at me, and I mocked what she said and called her a "bi'*&^$c.

Finally, tonight, I was shopping and was in the check out when another couple of costumers were in front of me and they said, "Just so you know, this register is closing down." I said "Ok," when the spouse of the person said in a sarcastic voice, "I'm sorry." I then got in her face and got really sarcastic and I said, "Dat's okay." They laughed about it, while I felt provoked. So, I said, "Wha...shut the f*&%^$ up!"

What should I say the next time someone like that tries to be a smart mouth.

Perhaps you should figure out why every one that communicates to you seems to be so rude. Maybe you need to fine tune your radar, Myiah. People do that little laugh when they are trying to defuse a tense situation. People say stuff to defuse a situation when they want to help someone but they have run out of an item, or let you know why they ran out (the earlier arrivers got it all).

Now, I am not saying it is easy to realize this. People used to motion me though a traffic situation to let me cross the road while they stopped their car to wait. I used to think this was horrible, as I was certain they were patronizing me by telling me what to do. I would raise my fist (or worse!) to them, how dare they dictate what I could do or not do? Mostly they just stared at me incredulously while I refused to cross the street even after they had stopped!

I learned that some folks are taught to use certain patterns of social behaviour in various situations and I could take their attempts to make a situation tolerable in good faith that they are not trying to make things worse for me, I could take the situation with grace and smile back and let them feel comfortable too.

No, not everyone seems rude to me, it's just certain people like this couple last night. They not only told me that the register was closing down, but bragged that they were the last people in line and that they were the lucky ones. However, that is when I got mad.

Learn to ignore Smark-aleck people aren't worth your time or your anger. BUT don't order food from jerky people or get into a fight with someone who's handling your food because they'll do something gross to your food.

I understand what you're saying. I've had similar experiences. Some people are so unhappy with their lives and jobs, it seems they go out of their way to try to make others miserable and unhappy as well. This use to happen to me more when I was younger but it does still happen. I agree, it's better to just ignore these negative people if you can and not give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset and angered.

I couldn't agree with you more. I had a line cook tell me all the nasty things they do to people's food when rubbed the wrong way.

why bother? i don't consider mean folk worth any more of my energy than i can avoid parting-with. i just try to steer clear of such folk. unfortunately this means that i must stay out of public places for the most part. rudeness is an epidemic. it is only getting worse. "Taupey" was right about how "it's better to just ignore these negative people if you can and not give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset and angered."

aunt blabby, is that the Bhagwan Shree Rajneeshin your avatar?

no sir- it is the one and only henry corwin [played by art carney], the thoroughly dissapated department store santa in the great twilight zone episode "night of the meek." the bhagwan was fatter and healthier.

oh, goodness! and I love Art Carney, too! thanks for sharing

Merle

It sounds like you are the one with the problem, not them. I thinking you're either misreading people or making a mountain out ofa molehill. Walking through life with your fists cocked is only going to get you in trouble. You think attending a christian concert is rough? Try prison. Take it down a few notches Dirty Harry.

when a person has little, then they have little to lose. when one is treading water, submerging other water-treaders delays one's own drowning. when a person has a very low social rank, they will do anything to avoid dropping down to the lowest rank, and will make "mountains out of molehills." that is why some folk are so worried about "saving face" and "respect." the upper-classes take these things for granted, but for the lowest classes, it is nothing but an uphill fight to keep off the bottom rung of being a total non-entity. the prisons and graveyards would not be anywhere near as full if this were not so. the bottom levels of maslow's "hierarchy of needs" pyramid are quite a crowded place.

OK. But I don't see where anyone was being rude to him, only that he is walking through life simmering. He kept knocking into somebodies wife. Can't he see that he was the one being rude? Then he called the lunch lady a b***h, for what reason I have no idea. All she did was tell him they were out of the food. Then he picks a fight with the guy in the line at the check out. Really, these are benign encouners that should not have provoked rage.

There's no excuse for this kind of behavior. He's acting like an ass and and doing himself no favors in life. To make excuses for him by saying "Well, you know, he is disabled and has a low social rank." does him a disservice.

Miyah. You're going to have to put your big boy pants on and start acting like a grown up. Carrying on this way will only end badly.

Yes you can. At least, these couple of incidents you probably could have, I'd say.
Some people, those wolves in sheeps clothing people, I think, from my experiences, can "smell" not *fear* in this case, but *difference* in Aspie people (though they of course don't know them as Aspies, per se). And those wolf people, who invariably are mediocre human beings, will push an Aspie's buttons, just out of malice that comes from somewhere inside them & from where probably not even they could tell you. It's pretty weird. And childish, really. But a smart child, which makes such people dangerous in differing degrees from wolf person to wolf person, & in different situations. But they all have that same kind of basic reaction I described.
Remember Miyah - THEY are the jerks, not you. What they want, is for you to become a jerk also. Which they do by pushing your buttons through sarcasm, etc. And if successful, they have won. And they don't particularly care that they've won. It's just a stupid little game they play, unconsciously. Personally, I consider such people worthless & it has taken me a long time to just walk away from such wolf people after they've let slip from their forked tongues their irrational, needless sarcasm or patronizing stuff, etc.


I disagree that it is entirely his fault, Granatelli.
It's both of their faults that the situations went as far as they did.
But I can sympathize with you Miyah. Ya just gotta bite your tongue & walk away. Because you won't win. Because they won't loose, OR win. That's not why they do it. They just want to see you irritated. It's more about control & power than anything else, a form of bullying from behind their counter, or from the other side of the row of seats.
They're actually cowards. Never forget that. Not to keep you believing it until it becomes true to you but rather, simply because that *IS* true. It's a fact. Haven't you noticed that there's usually someone else around such people, a co-hort of sorts? They're acting, & the co-hort is the willing audience & YOU are the UNwilling audience, in their minds. None of it's real.


That's a possibility too, Miyah. Especially if you're on "high alert" sort of, and then you'll see all sorts of negative stuff you regard as affronts but which may instead actually be character flaws, or simple mistakes in behavior or decency, etc. But we Aspies, at least I do, have trouble figuring that kind of stuff out. Which the wolf people can smell also. Which is one of the reasons they do it. Because they can get away with it, the maliciousness, without worrying about a correct regard from you about their hostile behavior.
Bottom line, those sorts of people are just not worth the time. They're like buzzing flys - all they do is irritate, & that's about it.


I ditto that, G.


I agree, G. Don't be anything like a Dirty Harry, Miyah.
First, it's pointless. You won't "win" because there's no winning to be had, as I explained earlier. They're buzzing flys.
Secondly, you may one day run into somebody who's either more than a little nuts, has sociopathic tendencies running into big violence, or just doesn't give a s**t & work you over just real good.
Such kinds of reactions as you described you had would get the crap beat out of you, eventually, back in the bathroom out of sight of the guards. And if you report it or complain about it, you're marked.
So keep the lips zipped, Miyah. I know, believe me I know, it is really REALLY difficult to not want to just really slap the s**t outta some people, with their smarmy sarcasm, but don't do it. Be the tougher one & let it roll off your back. I know that sucks, but the alternative is even worse, & giving in to it will make all future such encounters even worse than the ones prior.

Hang in Miyah. Peace
kevinkendall