Feeling overwhelmed with terrible dread.

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This is a rant. It has taken me weeks to rant, because it has taken that long to actually figure out how afraid I feel.

1. I have some involvement with the police in the last couple of weeks. My sons bike got stolen and my fiance and I ended up getting it back from the little turds that took it, but it is likely to go to court. The police terrify me because of my past with them.

2. I am now constantly making sure that the front door is locked and feel unsafe for fear of them coming back, even though the police say they would be stupid to do that. I also dread the next few days as the police are likely to come here to get me to sign my statement. So, as much as I stand by my conviction of "doing the right thing" I feel dread. Like I ahve set something in motion that could have potential negative outcomes.

3. I deal with chronic pain and some days it is enough to make me feel like an angry ferret on crystal meth, foaming at the mouth and going in circles on my back like a dying cockroach.

4. My family annoys the crap out of me on those days. It takes everything I have not to bite them out of sheer frustration and terror.

5. Some days I get these deep, gut-wrenching feelings of futility and confusion. I get days mixed up, hours fly by, little is done. I wonder were I am, who I am and cry with grief as to where I have gone.

6. Trying to be interested, trying to be motivated and trying to be positive most days. And on the days that I can't be all those things, I try and be quiet because that is what my body is telling me to do, but my bloody brain just keeps going and going, running things through a continuous loop of data processing, and my body laments "Can't you just be quiet, brain. I cannot keep up. I just don't have the stamina".

I am afraid of myself and the chaos that reigns.

What fresh hell is this?

Mics

you mentioned a fiancee so that is one hopeful thing in your life right now. the only thing i could suggest would be to not dwell on bad thoughts, IOW after the storm has passed, don't keep replaying it in your mind, but let it pass. a lot of stress is having bad memories replay over and over, so if you eliminate just that, you have basically got the remaining stress sufficiently cut down to size to where you can drown it in the bathtub and finish it off [an american figure of speech]. you can eliminate the bad thoughts by immediately replacing them with other thoughts, ANY other thoughts which are neutral or pleasant. one's brain typically cannot hold more than one complex thought in working memory at any given time, so just bump the bad thought out of the way with a good thought- this will be tough at first but with practice it will get easier.
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just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

Thanks Auntblabby........the storm has passed. Thanks for listening to my rant

Mics

Mics, i always like your rants. your troubles sound huge but your optimism always shines through.