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edited rant.

Last edited by ediself on 31 Jan 2011, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mental condition or not, he sounds like a jackwagon to me.

You're telling us that he's:

- Disrespecting you in front of other people
- Not answering simple questions so you can be a part of a conversation
- Spending time with people he knows you don't like
- Invalidating your feelings
- Provoking you so that he can demean you
- Speaks poorly of you to others
- Blames you for not understanding that he's manic depressive

None of those are actions of love. Love is something you do, not something you feel. If he's not doing acts of love, he does not love you. He may be incapable of or unknowing how to love. He cannot continue treating you the way that he's been treating you. He's violated several emotional borders and has done little to improve himself. If he is unwilling to see a professional individually and as a couple, he is not a positive element in your life and should not remain a part of it.

Life is too short for you to remain with someone who is so ill-suited. There are enough guys out there, there's even enough guys right here on this forum, that would cherish an opportunity to treat you properly and provide you with love. You really don't need to continue to allow this to happen to you.

Please, move on.

wefunction's onto something here. As someone who is fully AS, I get the impression that he's being much more of a pain in the rear. If a lot of these things that wefunction says is true of your marriage, I'd venture to guess that you're a shell of yourself by now. I was that way when I was married, and I chose to be the one to pursue the divorce. It's not worth living life to be a shell of one's self. No one should live life that way.

Like wefunction said, love is an action not a feeling. Anyone can merely feel he/she is in love with another person. Anyone can do that. But, love is an action that shows how much he values you as his spouse, etc. And.. if he's not willing to see a psychologist or do anything to help improve your marriage, the best option would be to pursue a divorce from him.

I am a strong believer in the Law of Attraction, which suggests the idea that whatever thought we send out to the Universe, that the Universe will match those thoughts by putting them on a vibrational match to be sent back to you.. and so whatever your thoughts might be, that's what you'll get more of. So, at this time, if you're seeking a divorce, I would focus at some point about the things you want in a future spouse (as opposed to the things you don't want), and only focus on those things.

That's the reason why people find themselves, repeatedly in the same kinds of relationships (be it marriages, working relationships, or whatnot) as they had before - because of focusing on the lack, or the things not wanted in a relationship. Because, when people focus on the lack (or things not wanted), the Universe matches those thoughts on a vibrational wavelength and gives more of it back to the person thinking it. So, I'd advise this woman to only focus on the things she wants in a future relationship with a man.

I am probably AS and also suffer from bipolar disorder (also called manic depression.) It is a common co-morbidity; unfortunately, it doesn't give me any insight into what you describe. I am hesitant to make a judgement, because we are only getting your point of view - however, I agree with the two posters above that the things you describe are in no way appropriate.

If you are miserable in your marriage, and your husband is not willing to help sort it out, then I think you should assert your right to be treated respectfully. One way to do this is to say it's either counseling or a separation. Another is to go to counseling on your own, and get a professional opinion of what to do - if you go regularly, it may open the door for your husband to go, and even if he doesn't follow you, it will offer you better insight on what to do next.

I would suggest a marriage counselor at this point rather than a psychologist or psychiatrist because you want to avoid implying that your husband's condition is the problem (even if that turns out to be the case.)

I'm very sorry things are difficult for you right now.

QFT. Regardless of his mental condition he does not have a right to be a jackass. I'm not sure why you care what condition he may or may not have as it does not excuse the behavior. I think you should stop trying to analyze why he acts this way and instead focus your energies on removing yourself from the relationship.

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Last edited by ediself on 31 Jan 2011, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You cannot force someone to respect you. You cannot force anyone to do anything. The last possible way to try to illicit respect from someone is to continue to tolerate disrespect.

You are not going to convince him to treat you well. Being a 33 year-old single mom is not the end of the world. You can always find excuses not to leave if you allow fear to dominate what's in your best interests. Unfortunately, this isn't a time for "the devil you know is better than the one you don't". If he's not willing to change, you're not going to change him. Things will only get worse. Pretty soon your children will observe this dynamic and continue the cycle of disrespect against you, themselves and others.

However, in the spirit of not being able to force anyone to think anything they don't want to think, I realize my advice is only worth as much as you want to credit it. So I've given you my advice with the best of intentions and I hope that you will continue to consider it as time passes.

You also need to think about your children. If he treats you this way what is stopping him from treating his children the same way? You don't want them growing up with an emotionally abusive father. Even if he does not treat them the same way he treats you, you don't want your kids growing up to think that the way he treats you is acceptable. This will influence their belief of what a "normal" male-female relationship dynamic is.

You seem to be stuck thinking that you cannot leave him after you told him to get help and he agreed, but you are wrong. This isn't a game or a contest and there are no rules you have to worry about breaking. If you truly do not believe in your heart that he is serious about getting help or changing his ways then you already have your answer. You don't need an "excuse" or a specific incident to trigger the change that you want and deserve in your life. You have already made up your mind that this is a situation that will not get any better. All that is left now are the details and the will to act.

I had my response window up for some time and missed this. That's two votes now for putting your children ahead of this situation and making a change if only for their sake.

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I will give it some time and keep reading what you all have written here, you all know it's not a quick process so I would advise not getting further emotionally involved in my issue, I WILL think it through and make a decision, but if we keep on talking here you will all end up hating me for my indecision, since i have a tendency to write everything i think; and i don't want that to hapen
Thank you very much.