Marriage in trouble. Please help.

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I'm not sure if I'm making this post for support, advice, or what exactly. I really am at a loss ATM. I chose to post in this forum because I thought maybe some of the members might have been there, done that and have some insight to offer.

Anyway.... My marriage of 13 yrs (together for 14) is really on the brink of divorce. We have 3 kids that would be very affected by this. I don't want this to happen, and am trying very hard to find a way to change and solve our problems. I don't know where to even begin, as it's so confusing... Basically, my husband says that I don't make him feel loved, appreciated and respected due to my negative behavior. I have been working really hard to calm my anxiety and depression, which leads to me being in a grumpy mood toward him. I am never abusive, but I can be quite negative and irritable when I feel anxious, ect. He is tired of these moods and ready to leave. He says that I can never be happy, and that I always have to have a problem. I admit that I have suffered depression through more of our marriage than not, but I feel that I have been making a lot of progress in being more positive lately, but he doesn't. He says that he has changed the behaviors that I didn't like in him (which is true), but that I am unwilling to do so for him. I am left so confused with our arguments that I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have failed him as a wife and that I have no idea how to fix this. I don't mean to get so upset with him over minute things like a schedule change, or whatnot. I try to be more rational when I get upset, but I am having a hard time doing it consistently. I feel completely defeated and full of despair. Does anyone have any insight or advice? I can use all the help that I can get right now.

Anger is like a fire; it can peter out or blaze up depending on the source, but you can't always see what the source is. It may be there's something that is REALLY dissatisfying you in your life, but you don't know what, exactly, it is. So all your left with is an unknown anger, which you take out on your husband. I tend to think people are too quick sometimes to recommend therapy, but I do think "There's something wrong with me" is too simplistic and not a viable solution. You need a third party to look at your situation with unbiased eyes. A therapist, counselor, minister, whoever. Just somebody besides you and him.

I'm not really angry very often. I'd say maybe irritable and unable to express emotions in a positive way. My husband says that he wants me to 'project happiness' that he can feel. I have a hard time doing that. I don't necessarily smile when I am happy, or all the other cues that most people put out when in a positive mood. I am seeing an on-line therapist. She is helping me to regulate my emotions so that I am not so quick to become anxious and upset. There isn't anything 'wrong with me' , I'd say, other than AS and the communication issues that can come from that. My therapist said that he needs to back off of me and allow me to some space to work on my anxiety and depression and not threaten to leave every time I get anxious or upset. This only adds to my stress and makes me more upset, more easily.

There is nothing wrong with counseling, or a third party who is not directly involved in this. You and your husband know each others faults very well; in fact, too well. You are now focused on those faults, and not the things that brought you two together. I once had my fiance tell me that he loved every thing about me except for my "negativity." I felt this was not fair, because what he was calling my negativity was my meltdowns and anxiety attacks. I explained to him that I was not choosing to be anxious or to meltdown, but that things were affecting me. This led to a discussion about what he could do for me, instead of distancing himself each time I had a meltdown or grew upset about things that were unexpected and stressful. He learned to offer comfort or reassurance instead of criticism.

For example, we were on a nature trail one day. We hadn't expected to find so many other people there, and I felt more like I was at a mall instead of a relaxing place. I got jittery and anxious, and kept complaining about the people crowding me. He actually got upset with me and said that I was pissing him off. What I needed from him, was for him to take me by the hand and lead me away from the source of distress. We discussed this later on, and I got him to see how his response had to change. There was nothing to be gained by getting angry about my sensory or anxiety issues. Adding more emotions to the pot did not help.

I also have periodic discussions with him, where I invite him to tell me if anything is bothering him about my behavior, or anything at all. He tends to hold things in, while I am very verbal about my feelings. I have showed him how to raise one hand and say "I need to focus" or to say "Time out" when I am monologuing too much. Instead of sitting there getting frustrated. Since I can't read his face, I have no idea when I should shut up.

Are you both on the spectrum? We both are, and I have to say it is very hard sometimes. I hope this helps!

Thanks Hartzofspace. I do see a lot of what you said in my relationship. I don't think he'll go for counseling. He feels that he's done enough changing and that it's my turn to change like I said I would. I was sharing e-mails with him between my therapist and I about our relationship in hopes that it could be of some help, but I stopped doing that, because he didn't like what the therapist and I were saying. He yelled at me, and said I was unfair and not representing his side. I told him he could write an e-mail if he'd like to represent his side, but he declined.

He's not on the spectrum, but is dyslexic and I'm 99.9% sure he has ADHD. I think that our communication style is very different, which leads to a lot of miscommunication, as well as how we see the world in general. I'm slow, methodical and need a routine. He's fast, sees the big picture and struggles with keeping time or a schedule.

I'm having a hard time finding the words that I want to say here. I'm just tired of all of the arguments and fighting. I feel confused and tired.

Yes, I do have some advice.

Trust your husband.

What I mean by that is, when there is a schedule change, you might feel you can't handle it, but he can, so trust he will help things proceed smoothly. What do you argue with him over? If he is the sounder individual at the moment, what is so bad about letting him make the choices and be in control? Why work against him?

I agree that I need to trust him more in general and that I need to let go of some of my control. Trying to control my anxiety with controlling my environment only breeds more anxiety. As far as who is more 'sound' at the moment, I don't think one is any better than the other. We don't fight about decisions, like when we should buy this, or do that... We compromise and meet in the middle with most of those sorts of things. He's impulsive and I'm well thought out and conservative so we arrive at a nice medium in most areas. I'm not even sure how to explain what it is that we do argue over. I guess it's usually about feelings and who feels what and why.

It sounds to me as if part of the problem is that you have asked him to change his behavior (which is achievable) and he has asked you to change your emotions, which is not possible for you to do.

Perhaps if he is able to re-phrase his needs into achievable actions it could help - for example if he has told you not to "be irritable" if a schedule changes, this is not going to be something you can do. But it is probably something about the way you ACT when you are irritable that is the real problem, so if he could ask you to change your behavior when you are irritable that might work.

If he has been willing to change his behavior for you that is a positive sign and you at least have something to work with.

I agree with this. When I would be reacting to stress about changes in my environment, my fiance would get impatient with the way I reacted. For example, one night I was washing the dishes after supper. The electricity went out, and I was confused and stressed because of the change in my routine. I showed this by bitching about the neighbors who had gathered outside my kitchen window to laugh and talk about the power outage. I often don't realize what emotions I am feeling, only that I am stressed. So my fiance saw it as me being an intolerant b***h, and not me trying to cope with my routine being disrupted. He responded with the fact that those people had a perfect right to be outside talking and laughing. I got furious with him because it sounded like he was taking sides. Only later was I able to identify what was really going on. This happens a lot in our relationship.

I think you would benefit from learning about "Secondary Anger." What I described above was a perfect example of that. Couples often get hung up on this and veer away from the real issue at stake.
http://www.creducation.org/resources/an ... otion.html

I agree, too. I understand that my fight or flight response to anxiety (which is caused by numerous situations) is causing an issue. I have been working very hard with a therapist to be able to feel a feeling without reacting to it using behavior therapy. The dishes scenario is pretty spot on. He swoops in and tries to convince me that I am being irrational when I'm already in an anxious moment, which of course is going to make me more upset. (anxiety is by definition irrational)The behavior that I have asked him to change (and he has mostly) is his anger control problem. I finally got fed up with his bullying tactics to where he'd try to get my anxiety under control by making me more afraid of him than I was of whatever was causing my anxiety. So, now a lot of the time just a glance of irritation from him brings out my fight, because I'm done with the flight. Now, I feel that I must stand my ground. I don't of course. It just causes more problems, but hence that's what I'm working on.

I'll go have a look at that link.

All my very best to you Serenity.

Others on this thread have offered sound advice. I hope you do not think this is over the top, but I have one point to add as a heart practice to become centred.

Remember to breath deeply and let all your problems go- like the black clouds that they are.
Continue in release as you live your day. Let all your negative thoughts go, and relax.

If you have any fear, anxiety, pain, confusion, let them all float away on your breath.

Breath deeply and relax.

Let love and compassion shine from your heart.

Thank you sincerely for reading my post.

Last edited by Art-sung on 27 Aug 2011, 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you for your reply, Art-sung. It was very peaceful and nice.

Hello Serenity,

If you do a little practice for yourself, [any practice you wish] feelings and emotions begin to move on. When negativity arises, just let it go on the depth and power of your present breath.

All my very best to you!