Not sure about life and asperger's [long post]

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Hi, I'm not sure where else to post this so this subforum seemed the most appropriate. I'm not sure if I have asperger's but I'm starting to think more and more that I do. People that know me have said so as well. I guess I just feel like venting a little and maybe finding some answers. A year ago I had never even heard of Asperger's, the one time I tried asking my parents they sorta laughed it off as if I was joking and I probably was in part asking sarcastically out of fear for the real answer. I remember all growing up my parents would tell me I would march to the beat of my own drum - they once told me that if I didn't want to go to some religious party they were going to drive me over there and make me tell the host that myself... I did just that.

I'm a 26 year old male. One those free online survey things, AQ Test, I got a 36. I recall in childhood I had friends but was also very smart and got into a lot of trouble as a result because I seemingly wouldn't pay attention to my teachers but would still be able to give them the correct answers. Had an active imagination and imaginary friend.

By the time I was in middle school I taught myself graphic design and html and was collecting Pez dispensers. In high school I had very few friends, took a lot of photography courses and continued playing online video games and doing graphic design and web design.

College I studied architecture and did so-so at it but it kept my mind busy. I also worked in a mail room at the residence halls and strangely I liked it, it was simple and repetitive but I felt it was an honest pay for an honest days work and I was good at it. Never missed a day.

The end of Architecture I knew it wasn't for me, my buildings were just never like the others. The stress in the studio also got to me and one time it was the first time I experienced sleep paralysis. I dozed off in the studio late one night and I guess the noise got to me - I didn't even know I was alseep but it seemed like everyone was talking about me. My friends eventually woke me up and told me I was screaming to get out of my head and to leave me alone.

I went overseas into the Peace Corps, it made sense to me. While the other volunteers would travel to nearby countries and such I stuck to my routine and got a lot done. The worst part was the actual teaching, I was good - my students had high marks on the national exam - but I didn't enjoy it at all. I also had a lot of problems with sleep disorder at this point namely sleep paralysis more and more often. Back in college I didn't actually know what had happened, it wasn't until it happened regularly and I mentioned it to a friend that knew what this is called. I also had a few similar experiences to in studio as far as having sleep paralysis that involved the other volunteers making me feel isolated.

Fast forward to now - I'm working as a full time graphic designer. I have a terrible relationship with just about everyone, I thought it was just the Peace Corps that changed me but now learning about Asperger's I can't help wonder if its this. I just have almost no emotional attachment to anyone or anything. I hate breaking my regiment, I hate dealing with illogical people, I hate that people my age don't use proper grammar or spelling and even more than that I hate that they don't care and I do. The only time I can really let go it seems is when I'm either with very close friends or drunk. I prefer going to a dance club than a bar because at least I don't have to engage in conversation at a dance club. Everything feels distant to me.

I'm considering going back for graduate school for urban planning and law but the reality is just nothing excites me. I just want to make more money than I am now - nothing greedy just an amount I can live off of comfortably. Do my job, go to the gym, read, play chess, program in my spare time. Have a dog - I love dogs because they just always listen and are reliable. I barely date and when I do it usually becomes a one night stand as I quickly get bored and think about how this person has interfered with my routine.

I don't know if I have Asperger's or am just socially awkward. I don't know if I should see someone or not. I don't know what difference it would make. I don't know if graduate school is smart or not.

Sorry this is long. If anyone actually reads it great - if not... well it let me get it all out there.

p.s.
The title of my portfolio to get into architecture school was Drifting Away, in the Peace Corps I was at the actual end of the world, now I'm back and still feel like I'm somewhere in outer space. I like the name of the forum.

Hi RyanEnder,

I can relate with a lot of what you are going through. I too am not diagnosed, but just recently discovered, through online testing, talking to a few trusted friends, and my own feelings that I most likely have Aspergers. Once I discovered this site, and started really delving into it, something just clicked, and the proverbial light bulb went off in my head. For once in my life I feel like I can really relate with other people (Just reading through other peoples experiences on here has helped so much). For the last few months I've been trying to wrap my head around it, analyzing the way I think, my relationships with others, etc., and it's been a big relief in a lot of ways.

I'm 31, and it's funny that you said that thing about your parents, "growing up my parents would tell me I would march to the beat of my own drum". My mom has always said that very same thing about me. I got mediocre grades in school, got into trouble, had bad daydreaming problems, was only interested in the things that interested me, and my obsessions. At that time music was the only thing that mattered to me, playing, listening, collecting, learning, researching. Before that it was sports... Playing, collecting sports cards, memorizing useless stats, playing video games. Like you I also grew up in a religious household. In my case Catholic, and I think that may be a reason I've gone 31 years without any kind of diagnosis. But I was raised just like my brothers and sister and grew up thinking that I was "normal", even though I didn't feel, or think the way my peers, or family did. Looking back, I feel ok about everything, but I can't help but wonder if things might be different for me if I'd known before. I'm extremely lost right now, but feeling better, and more clear every day now.

Like you, I've also tought myself many things. I've always had a big thirst for knowledge, and most of what I've learned I've learned by observing others, helping friends through dilemnas, reading (Although I'm not a great reader, very slow. But I still force myself to do it, and if it's something that interests me i get hooked pretty fast), and just researching. I didn't go to college, have worked in warehouses, offices, etc, to make ends meet, and that's gotten me by, but I really do hate it, and have always been searching for a job that I can use my strengths, and something that I can take pride in. Like you, I just require enough to get by, and as simply as possible.

I have to say, you have accomplished quite a lot in your short 26 years, and you seem to be on the right track to finding your way. I don't know if graduate school is the right thing for you, and can't give advice on that. If you feel like it's the right thing to do, and you can afford it, and it makes sense in your long term goals, than sure. But Socially awkward? Aspie? It doesn't matter all that much in the end. Just know that your not alone, and there are others that have the same struggles. Your Mid-20's are some of the most trying times in your life from what I've heard (And experienced. God knows I struggled a lot during mine). Just keep searching, and I'm sure you'll figure it out.