How to const. criticize your wife (married men, please read)

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(the abbreviated word is "constructively".)

If your wife is anything like me, she will make quite a few mistakes, whether from poor executive function, laziness, being too tired or busy, or whatever. Please don't take her shortcomings personally.

If you find that the dome light in the car is on overnight again, there's bread left in the toaster that is attracting bugs and the dryer turned off because the lint filter was full and the towels are still wet, just state the facts in a VERY simple way: "The dome light was on in the car when I got home." DON'T say, "You left the dome light on yet again. We're going to have a dead battery soon if you keep on doing that."

Give her a moment to apologize and/or explain, then follow up with a kind word: "By the way, I like your hair parted that way," or, "Thanks for folding up all that laundry, by the way. I'm glad you are my wife, and I love you."

If you do this, your wife will feel cherished and valued, and not be sitting at her computer at work crying and feeling like a fu*k-up. You are her partner, not her supervisor.

Men should live on their own for a few decades before they get married, then they will be able to compare how the few tiny, tiny little faults that their wives might commit in lieu of not being a robot, are laughingly insignificant to the mess of a mans life when he hasn't got a Woman around to help him in it.

I was just remembering the other day, here in bed unable to reach into the fridge with my current bad back, how my stepfather would scream at my Mother because she forgot to put sugar in the custard, every day she would make a pudding, he should have to live some life where he hasnt got a good Woman to make him pudding every day, when even custard without sugar would be a welcome treat.

Bump.

Any advice on the food/clothing issue?

As, my wife tends to eat food on the floor and leave it there. Or on couch arms and then leave it on the floor when it spills. The same is true for clothing. I typically clean on the weekends, but it is fairly unsanitary.

We have a cleaning service, but they will not enter our bedroom.

We've talked a lot about this...but it just isn't changing at all. The best change I can see is getting her employed or into volunteer work, as she leave less stuff lying around when she's out of the house.

I'm also considering throwing out a lot of stuff in a unilateral fashion. Unfortunately, she's a bit of a hoarder - particularly of dresses she hasn't fit into in nearly a decade.

--Argyle

Hmm... If you happen to be there when she does it, try saying, "Honey, hand me your plate if you're done and I'll put it in the dishwasher. Oh, and here's the paper towels and/or the broom." She may be as absent-minded as I am and not even notice the mess. A gentle reminder without saying, "You made a mess again." There's help instead of blame or nagging.

I can relate to your supervisor comment. I am very sensitive to the tone of what is said vs the content. My husband and I don't argue often, but if he slips into "boss" mode that will do it.

Y'know, it is mostly the stuff she leaves out while I'm not around. Last night, it was covering the bed in cheerios. And the V8 on the floor. And the noodles on the table (please note...not 'the noodles in a bowl on the table'). And the opened tin cans on the bedroom floor. I shudder to think of where the meat probably ended up. (Bright side is...our pets seem to clean up most protein.) And, somehow, the urine-smelling pillow.

But, it also all the random clothes, et cetera left on the floor and often covered in foodstuffs or sometimes undiscovered dog poop.

While I'm around, I mostly get 'not right now, I'm exhausted.'

I'm really thinking of just going though 1 room at a time, tossing everything we haven't used in a month into a box or 3, leaving it in the garage for 6 months. And then tossing the box. I've kind of sold her on this...as she knows she'll have 6 months to retrieve anything she misses. I'm, of course, enthused, because the odds of her actually looking into the boxes within 6 months is approximately zero.

I'm fairly confident that my life would be measurably easier and noticeably more sanitary if she spent her days somewhere other than inside our house. So, I'm pushing a bit on her getting out of the house so she 'has a fuller life...'

--Argyle

^^ You don't live at my house, do you?

Mindsigh - I totally agree with what you are saying here. How you approach the problem, what is said and the way it is said will make the problem worse or better. My partner and I (together 10 years) have very different ways of living but it still works most of the time because we accept each others faults.
With that said, I can understand your frustration Argyle and I think you make a fair point, if you are constantly clearing up after someone else then that in itself is exhausting.
You are partners, neither one should have to be either a supervisor or a servant as a permanent role. I'm afraid it's not surprising if one of them reverts to a default setting if the other can not take care of their personal requirements. There are positive ways to deal with this, I hope you find a solution soon.

@Mind Heh. Probably not. She has a separate account on this site. Helps to know we're not the only ones with this problem.

I'm mostly thinking that there's just some stuff that she won't/can't do - so there's not much point in discussing it every day. Why beat a dead horse. Cleaning services help. I think I can sell her on decluttering, so that'll help a bit too. Meh.

--Argyle