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Rocket123
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05 Jan 2014, 12:09 pm

michaelhart22 wrote:
you people are nuts i hate it. dont have any friends. goin crazy alone. makes me suicidaly depressed.


That would have been my response, 30-40 years ago. As I desperately wanted to be in the company of others and live a “normal” life.

What’s really odd, is that being with others oftentimes increases my dysphoria. As, it makes me realize how different I am from others. Ultimately, I am much happier, when by myself, in my own little world. It’s a bit sad. Yet, it seems how I am wired.



CapriciousAgent
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05 Jan 2014, 10:35 pm

Like several others who have responded to this thread, I've grown more content with being alone the older I get. I don't dislike people, but spending too much time with the neurotypical world of social interaction leaves me exhausted. I have my internet, video games, books, movies, and hobbies/projects I use to keep myself busy. I'm better friends with people online than in real life for the most part, and I guess I feel loneliness a bit less than others.



Ron5442
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06 Jan 2014, 4:17 pm

After I decided to quit trying to be NT, I gave up on trying keeping in contact with the people I "should", relatives, friends, most everyone. I also gave up trying to meet local ladies and focused my attention on looking for a partner in East Europe (internet). I reasoned that if she got to know me via email she might be willing to overlook my surface flaws. Also when she noticed I was a bit different, she would chalk it up to different cultures.
It worked. We've been together 10 years. I have more than enough interpersonal contact with my wife, I have no resources left to waist trying to have NT type friendships (which never really worked anyway)



Marybird
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06 Jan 2014, 5:21 pm

I like visits with my family, but other than that I like being alone.
Being by myself is peaceful.
Social interaction is overwhelming.



Concept
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06 Jan 2014, 8:52 pm

I'm used to being by myself but I'm not sure if I like it. I need my alone time but I'm also thankful for the interactions that I have with my family or friends. I tend to fade deeper and deeper inwardly when I'm left to my own devices and that tends to mean that I don't feel connected to myself or my environment.



LongleafPine
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07 Jan 2014, 4:30 pm

Moondust wrote:
I've always enjoyed my own company, but there's so much more than company that we lose when living in isolation. It's the lack of support opposite your enemies, the lack of cooperation with common tasks, the lack of exchanging meaningful opinions on things that concern your life, the lack of insight into your problems and advice from someone who's known you closely for decades, the lack of "loved ones", the lack of having someone apart from yourself to care for, the lack of someone to share especially good or bad news with. If I won a billion dollars at the lottery today, I'd have no one to tell, I mean no one who'd give a damn. I never understood why in WP when the subject of isolation comes up, no one ever considers any of these aspects of isolation. Company to do things with is the only aspect mentioned, and it's such a minimal one compared to the rest. I guess trivializing isolation as just the lack of someone to do things with is a psychological defense, "sour grapes", against accepting the reality that we do miss out on a lot.

That said, one shouldn't confuse "the world" with human society. We're valuable, active, cherished, important participants of the world, just not of human society. When you start looking at it this way, your isolation takes on a totally different perspective.


So well put, Moondust! So it seems that the trick is to build a group of people who share support, feedback, and joy without getting emotionally drained or even emotionally shredded in the process and to accept that we'll always have a limited and kind of scary relationship with our own species! What works best for me is participation in one main organization whose goals I share and one craft group-this keeps it simple. I have a few much-valued old friends and close family members. Then I try to have light, cordial relationships with acquaintenances, neighbors-so light that there's no opportunity to see them start getting disappointed in my inability to socialize better, but just enough so that they feel maybe cheered and supported by the interaction-brighten their day, make they feel visible and cared for. I live in a small town and really don't recommend that. I love spending a few days in the nearest city and being invisible in the crowd in my activities there.



Moondust
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07 Jan 2014, 4:45 pm

Thank you for relating, I feel less alone in my perspective.


_________________
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats - Albert Schweitzer


andrew96
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07 Jan 2014, 9:41 pm

michaelhart22 wrote:
you people are nuts i hate it. dont have any friends. goin crazy alone. makes me suicidaly depressed.




Couldn't say it better myself...



edaspie
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08 Jan 2014, 3:02 pm

Concept wrote:
I'm used to being by myself but I'm not sure if I like it. I need my alone time but I'm also thankful for the interactions that I have with my family or friends. I tend to fade deeper and deeper inwardly when I'm left to my own devices and that tends to mean that I don't feel connected to myself or my environment.


Dear Concept

That is so very spot-on for me too! It is so good i am going to write it down for future reference!
Thank you!

i feel disconnected from myself and my environment i think in all conscious memory.
Fealing deeper and deeper inwardly and being left to my own devices has been my life's story.
This is something you have given me to explore, thanks again.

edaspie

:D :D :D



edaspie
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09 Jan 2014, 8:47 am

Concept wrote:
I'm used to being by myself but I'm not sure if I like it. I need my alone time but I'm also thankful for the interactions that I have with my family or friends. I tend to fade deeper and deeper inwardly when I'm left to my own devices and that tends to mean that I don't feel connected to myself or my environment.


Hello People

i hate to make a blog-entry twice in a row, but necessity calls for some invention.
i've looked deeper into this prospect of getting my connectedness to myself (presence of mind in thought) and my environment (heightened awareness of my surrounding reality) back -- both of which i've only since my diagnosis infrequently discovered that i'd lost somewhere in growing up to a late diagnosis at 53 1/2 years old.
i am eager to make my pleasant, but fleeting experiences in "presence of mind in thought"
and "heightened awareness of my surrounding reality" much more permanent.
i've lost them during my decades of undiagnosed learned behaviour and life habits...
two things this socially autistic and phobic hermit have found solitude and peace in!
And hopefully by the above wise quote, i may get them back
by enjoying less and less of my precious "alone time" which
makes me fade deeper and deeper into myself
and hopefully has, in humble little me also, that
i might find a way out of it into what even "aspies" call normal thinking and awareness of reality.
Yup, i'm quite an isolated hermit.

i'm 54 years and 3 months old now, diagnosed just before "Asperger Syndrome" went out of fashion in the doctor's Big Book of Diagnoses.
Until the faltering benefits of Risperidone (one 0.5mg followed by two 0.5mg) and acutapping (EFT) showed me there was a life existent that was a heck of a lot better than my own, i thought everyone was as bound-up inside as myself, or, thanks to fleeting moments of lucidity, i was simply the freak in this world.
i had no conscious rememberance of this better way of being, at this late point in life, as i was always so deeply drowned in depressions, anxieties, fears, phobias, and unknowingly, social autism as well.

Maybe there's another aspie out there who hasn't known what it's like to generate a thought, and keep, keep remembrance of that thought through advancing processes of analysis, realizations, and thought development and expansion, all the while remembering, remembering all the thoughts that went before, and not having them drowned out by an "electric current" of social anxiety running through my brain erasing thoughts no matter how hard i try to remember them.

Perhaps there's another aspie out there who has not come to an awareness (however fleeting for me at this time) of their surrounding reality that they can sense the being-ness of what they see, touch that being-ness with a self-awareness of environment that is so enlightening, and brings a feeling of serenity to one's mind in one-ness with what they see.

It is so Fantastic to think that this relative numbness to life in thinking and awareness (connectivity to myself and my environment as the quote says) may not be an inherent and permanent part of me!!

PS: i'm not trying to whine. We aspies are "fact-tellers," as i've often had to explain to people i have accidentally offended by not knowing the social implications of what i write. This is just fact-telling, no hidden agenda, nothing "between the lines" where there is only white space for the reader to read in words that were not meant to be there (with all respect).

PPS: thank you for your time. This is quite a catharsis for me, and maybe someone else.

:D



Derek281
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26 Jan 2014, 10:09 pm

I think being alone has been my natural state even though throughout my life I have fought it.

AS was unknown when I was growing up. I knew there was something off about me growing up but had no idea what I was really up against. I blamed it on everything to being an only child the first six years of my life, being slender as a teen (and not one of the in crowd), and other factors.

My first real attempt at interaction with NT's was my Junior year in college in dorm life. It was a failure and some made fun of me. My senior year I had my own apartment and lived alone. It felt like a great weight had been lifted. I even met a girl who would go out with me on a regular basis and not dump me after the first date or two (if I even got a date with them at all). I had a new circle of friends (a younger group) and this helped. I always feared people would run into some of the guys from my Junior year and I would be revealed. After I graduated from college this fear went away and a dream about being chased by them in a mall where all of a sudden they disappeared because of a sandstorm (sands of time). It revealed to me the sands of time cover many things. I am married now (the girl I met my Sr yr)and my kids are grown. The marriage has turned into a business relationship but I have no desire to start over. I have been seeing a 32 yo married x stripper (who is my mistress) going on 6 yr and quite happy.



alcedo
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27 Jan 2014, 9:13 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I'm very satisfied with my own company, but I've gone through phases in my life when I was very lonely for the kind of circle of good friends that I saw most people in the world enjoying, and I was also lonely for a life partner for many years. I did go through a spell of having lots of friends when I was actively involved in something that brought that about, and I did enjoy all that for a while, but that was when I coped better with my traits and challenges. I cope less well, in some ways, as I get older.

Now that I'm 52, been through a divorce and additional painful and ultimately disastrous failed relationships, I'm caring less and less about finding a special someone to share life with. It would be nice, don't get me wrong, but the hassle of even finding the right person, and then the hassle that all relationships actually are, is not worth giving up my freedom and autonomy.


.


I relate so much to your comment, BirdInFlight.

I am very isolated; yet, to use the term in the original post, I 'pine' lots to be able to mix with others. Ive watched such interactions all my life and puzzled at how easy it looks for many. I have had periods in my life when I thought I was mingling pretty good; but on the whole, I believe it was just my skill at trying to fit in that carried me along.

I feel ive missed out on lots; relationships, family activities, friendships etc and this is impacting on a current depressed state I am carrying.

I feel life has given me glimpses of how things could have been; yet in a cruel way always seems to pull the carpet from under my feet; this more so when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature.

It can feel 'easier' being isolated; but I still crave companionship and interaction with others.



Cafeaulait
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05 Feb 2014, 8:23 am

No
I feel like everything in life will fail



alpineglow
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05 Feb 2014, 4:50 pm

edaspie wrote:
Perhaps there's another aspie out there who has not come to an awareness (however fleeting for me at this time) of their surrounding reality that they can sense the being-ness of what they see, touch that being-ness with a self-awareness of environment that is so enlightening, and brings a feeling of serenity to one's mind in one-ness with what they see.

^
this



Tomas73
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12 Feb 2014, 3:54 pm

binaryodes wrote:
How many of you pine for human contact? Are you generally satisfied with your own company or do you need to be surrounded by adoring friends/fans to feel happy? Most importantly if youve had loneliness inflicted upon you how have you learnt to adapt?


Peoples responses here, allude to the fact that as different as we feel we are from NTs, we certainly can have much in common with each other (Aspies). Time and time again, people in this thread have exclaimed "wow, that's like me!", and I too have felt this epiphany. Of course, we vary in our experiences but, I certainly see a lot of common ground.

I believe that for many of us the earlier desire for acceptance by our NT peers was a natural part of being young; friends and peer acceptance are extremely important to teenagers. This tends to taper off as we gain perspective from our years. I know I was desperate to fit in as a teenager, and now at the age of 40 looking back, I been self-isolating for many periods of the years past.

That said, It's not black & white; I too have had many occasions of regular social activity, due to a variety of circumstances. I too was married once, and have two children. Those days I had to get involved a bit.

One thing that happened with me that this makes me reflect on now, is that I was involved in something that was inherently social. Music. It's quite bizarre when I think of it, but I spent the best part of 19 years regularly standing on a stage, or stuffed in a crowded room, with people, noise, smells, bright lights, fuss and social politics, negotiating with clients, and being diplomatic with my peers! Is it any wonder I developed a serious alcohol dependency?!

My marriage failed, I haven't seen my kids in years (despite my best efforts) and even now today after being sober and in a new relationship for the past six years, today, after all that... I was told by my NT girlfriend: "this relationship is not working, it was better when we just spoke on the phone"! So... it really does feel rather like mixing with NTs goes against the grain for me. But I sure envy them; that they actually enjoy socializing, that they can actually benefit from the process, and that they find it so natural. Not being able to enjoy that has been a sad curse for some of us, I feel.

Still, as it isn't black & white, the flip side is that we (Aspies) do appear, generally, to be better at coping with solitude than NTs. And I too, seem to be more able to accept solitude as I get older.

One thing I really miss (or pine for) when I don't have it, is the physical aspect of having a partner around. For sex yes, but also, just to be company, perhaps quite for hours, but just being together. Maybe that requirement will taper off too, or perhaps I shall have to arrange to spend time with someone on a no-strings-attached basis. I just hope if we end up alone, that we feel fulfilled. Perhaps it is to be part of the big picture in one way or another, that is important. Perhaps we are here to contribute to life through our work?



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26 Feb 2014, 1:26 am

poppyfields wrote:
I don't think I can. It is one thing to love your free time but to have no one to share your life with ever? I can't adjust. Not one friend in the world? No one who thinks you are valuable as a human being not just a resource. Yes, I'm good at my job and I think others see that but somehow they are actually friends (even if just work friends) and I am not.

I wish I didn't care or that I was low functioning enough to not know what I was missing, but I'm neither of those things. I have long said I don't have depressive disorder I'm circumstantial my depressed by my own loneliness. I know what it is like to be happy but the demands on friendship in high school were so much lesser that years later I'm alone. I was never completely satisfied by those friendships but at least people invited me to hang out, we shared interests, etc. now I've lost all that.

It hurts me too much to be a member of this world but never a participant.


*hug* Hurts me too.