dealing with divorce

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Ok, going to ask others,

How did you deal with / cope with divorce / break-ups of long term relationships / etc?

My previous 2 'longer' relationships - I literally went hermit for a few years each... (no joke, holed up in a basement apartment and swore off all contact with the outside world / opposite sex as much as possible - both almost 2 years to the day)

Currently in the lovely initial court battles of a really ugly divorce (after 7yrs) - but this time around - I'm absolutely craving human contact... In theory yeah - I've had 2-3 years with minimal love/affection - but... This is totally an about-face for me...

My heads so mixed up I'm not sure what to think - getting treated for night terrors (probably PTSD related - yeah that bad at the end) - stress level is astronomical; can't think my way out of a paper bag... My heads just a mess - and I'm really having a hard time with this not being able to think my way though stuff... Barely functioning - let alone dealing with the day to day crap - and my brain's busy chasing tail...

It's throwing me for a loop - I know I probably should assume history was more the 'norm', but I find it really strange how differently I'm reacting this time. Yes to the point where shyness be damned - I actually hit on a very hot woman at the supermarket yesterday while she was fondling banana's no less! LOL! (yes I talked her into coffee too! Totally screwed it up - within minutes after, but... What can I say - got onto a verbal diarrhea @ coffee about something she really obviously couldn't care less about! Ah the joys of aspie life!)

I can rationalize hermit vs social-butterfly - pro/cons list is pretty damn equal... But brain wants some kind of relationship at the moment (and not even the traditional one nighter - still can't bring myself to that one) Almost to obsession / project status; but at the same time - I know that wont be healthy... But - yeah, we know how controlling run-away brains goes...

Thoughts/Ration/Reason?

I just went through a nasty divorce and I was utterly withdrawn for 7 months unable to process or cope with much. Tired all the time and just emotionally zapped. Have had to live w/ex during those 7 months and the terms are utterly horrendous for me but staying would have been so much worse.

I've been divorced twice.

I dealt with it several ways: first, I filled a lot of the hours I would spend reflecting on the relationship (which typically early on means that I'm reflecting on my failures). I worked out more, read more, took the opportunity to organize stuff, learned more and/or otherwise got more things done. I find it really helps to combat the end-of-relationship blues/jitters.

Second, I paid attention to what I wanted to do. If I didn't want to go out, I didn't. If I wanted to go out, I took it slow. I was extra-nice to myself in terms of social contact.

Third, I reached out to more people online. I may not feel like meeting people in person, but I could and did reach out online to have a lot of conversations I really enjoyed, but could put down when I wanted to.

Fourth, I wanked more. LOTS more. I wank a lot anyway, but the freedom to just go wank without someone wanting to join in and/or without having to hurry up is pretty invigorating.

Fifth, I spend a little time thinking about my positive traits and, when I'm in a non-negative mood, reflected on how to avoid some of the mistakes which caused the last relationship to end. I'm usually the person who breaks up with the other person and not the person broken up with, and so I spend time reflecting on my relationship choices.

Sixth, I spend time doing things I like to do. Nothing ruins potential social contact like trying to force it, or feeling compelled to do things I don't want to do to make social contact. If social contact occurs while I'm doing those things, I tend to be much more relaxed than I would be if I were out trying to make something happen with someone.

Seventh, I tried something new. I tend to have much more spare time when I'm not in a relationship, and it gives me more time to do something I've not done before, or haven't done recently. Go hiking, go for lots of long walks, attend a reading, spend an hour browsing a book store, go for a movie..... it gives me time to branch out.

You'll notice a lot of these things are self-focused. Being single gives me time to be selfish (which I don't often have time to do in a relationship.) Frankly, it's been my experience that being single is a great time to work on me--making me happier with myself, doing things to comfort myself. I find this accomplishes a number of goals: first, to give myself time to adjust and/or to deal with my own needs. Second, it's fun. Third (and much less important to me), people find those things really attractive. It takes the burden off social interactions and makes them less stressful to me.

My advice? Spend some time loving on you and don't worry so much about meeting someone new.

Yeah, I'm half wondering if brains on a relationship kick because other projects have become non-options...

Most of my current obsessions are based around the house which is off-limits (she obtained the equivalent to a restraining order after I called police on her - 85 more days until I can actually fight it in court - of course...). So since those are unobtainable - guessing brain is switching gears to what it thinks can be attainable in the nearer future... ???

I can focus on myself a bit - but my brain wants to play with something that's unobtainable at the moment. The 'todo' list is largely home based - around the house projects or requires tools that are located there... So off-limits. That might be 99% of the issue... And it doesn't want to refocus on something else at the moment...

The saddest part is - I've got most parts here for a project that's #4 on my internal 'todo' list - but I can't get my brain to focus on it. It keep switching to # 1 2 3, even though I know those are unobtanium and not worth wasting energy on - because they're off the table for at least 3 months...

I can't wait to get tool time on the projects that have been long pushed aside due to life... But I can't get my brain to focus on what's available to it - rather than what it can't have at the moment... And of course - it's focusing on something that's not relevant/helpful/needed. Grrr! Stupid brains need to do as their told.

I mostly cried and spent time alone in recovery

first long relationship was abusive and I left, I was to upset to date for a while

Second major one - she died, this was ten years ago and I have not really dated since (not for lack of trying in the past few years)

I am going through my second divorce and this time I am fighting strong for justice with the help of divorce lawyer Centreville, VA and I really don't know how but I feel positive about life even though it was painful initially.

My husband asked for a divorce 6 months ago - yes, it was because of my aspie tendencies. I didn't fight it even though I didn't want it. It's been tough. I do like the fact that I no longer have to deal with people being in my face 24/7, but it hurts. I found out a few weeks ago he has a girlfriend and it felt like I had to start all over again with the grieving crap.

All I can say is I'm looking forward to the day where I no longer care what happens to him.
-Sandy