Do you Say Things at Work that cause others to Hate you?

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13 Mar 2014, 1:46 pm

Rocket123 wrote:
Earlier today, I was talking to my therapist about my problems at work. About a year ago, after having been working for > 25 years, I began to think about the problems I had at work. Particularly, with co-workers. At just about every job, I made enemies. I had no problem with them. They had a problem with me. In fact, these people requested (to my manager) that they not work on the same projects with me. This didn’t just happen once or twice. But multiple times at almost every job I’ve had.

To this day, I am not precisely certain why this happens. I believe it must have been something I said. Most probably in a group setting. I am guessing that I somehow insulted their competence or intelligence or both, by challenging something they said (which likely was illogical). As I have this tendency to address things that don’t make sense directly.

So, I work in high tech. Interestingly, I never have had problems with engineers. As typically engineers are both very smart and very detailed oriented. They would rarely make nonsensical statement or suggestions. But non-engineers. All the time.

I suppose I now realize how threatening this can be. Especially to someone who may not be entirely competent. And, once threatened, they use their social skills to fight back. Which is a fight I cannot win.

Since realizing this, I have tried to keep my mouth shut. At work, I need to constantly remind myself, "Rocket, keep your thoughts to yourself". But this can be difficult to do. As sometimes I feel almost compelled to correct false statement/assumptions. Or to ask clarifying questions, which could then lead to problems (as my series of questions would ultimately point out faults in what people say).

Anyhow, I wonder if others have experienced the same and how you deal with the situation. Thanks.



I experience something similar at work all the time. My lack of social skills makes people uncomfortable. I am perceived as very unkind, aggressive, critical when I think I'm not... I had someone act as a third party, and observe a conversation I thought went well. They thought I sounded short, critical and dismissive. Dealing with this was a shock to me, because I've always thought of myself as a very nice person. I got so anxious about this at some point that I started avoiding all face to face interactions unless they can't be helped, and if I have to interact I script beforehand and try to stick to the script, including mentally counting while pausing in conversation, to make sure I give interlocutors enough time to respond and I appear empathetic. A few times I thought I succeeded! :)



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13 Mar 2014, 1:47 pm

Rocket123 wrote:
Earlier today, I was talking to my therapist about my problems at work. About a year ago, after having been working for > 25 years, I began to think about the problems I had at work. Particularly, with co-workers. At just about every job, I made enemies. I had no problem with them. They had a problem with me. In fact, these people requested (to my manager) that they not work on the same projects with me. This didn’t just happen once or twice. But multiple times at almost every job I’ve had.

To this day, I am not precisely certain why this happens. I believe it must have been something I said. Most probably in a group setting. I am guessing that I somehow insulted their competence or intelligence or both, by challenging something they said (which likely was illogical). As I have this tendency to address things that don’t make sense directly.

So, I work in high tech. Interestingly, I never have had problems with engineers. As typically engineers are both very smart and very detailed oriented. They would rarely make nonsensical statement or suggestions. But non-engineers. All the time.

I suppose I now realize how threatening this can be. Especially to someone who may not be entirely competent. And, once threatened, they use their social skills to fight back. Which is a fight I cannot win.

Since realizing this, I have tried to keep my mouth shut. At work, I need to constantly remind myself, "Rocket, keep your thoughts to yourself". But this can be difficult to do. As sometimes I feel almost compelled to correct false statement/assumptions. Or to ask clarifying questions, which could then lead to problems (as my series of questions would ultimately point out faults in what people say).

Anyhow, I wonder if others have experienced the same and how you deal with the situation. Thanks.



I experience something similar at work all the time. My lack of social skills makes people uncomfortable. I am perceived as very unkind, aggressive, critical when I think I'm not... I had someone act as a third party, and observe a conversation I thought went well. They thought I sounded short, critical and dismissive. Dealing with this was a shock to me, because I've always thought of myself as a very nice person. I got so anxious about this at some point that I started avoiding all face to face interactions unless they can't be helped, and if I have to interact I script beforehand and try to stick to the script, including mentally counting while pausing in conversation, to make sure I give interlocutors enough time to respond and I appear empathetic. A few times I thought I succeeded! :)



B19
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14 Mar 2014, 11:38 pm

Too bad that universities don't offer a paper called Office Politics 101. Even now that I am retired I am unable to articulate the OP game and its rules, or what rules I broke, except for my aspie commitment to telling the truth as I see it. However objective I was about any situation, my truth telling seems to have upset people who took it personally as a criticism of them (I think).



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15 Mar 2014, 11:45 am

B19 wrote:
Too bad that universities don't offer a paper called Office Politics 101. Even now that I am retired I am unable to articulate the OP game and its rules, or what rules I broke, except for my aspie commitment to telling the truth as I see it. However objective I was about any situation, my truth telling seems to have upset people who took it personally as a criticism of them (I think).


I remember taking a Business Ethics class as an undergrad and thinking, “Um…Isn’t this obvious?. You just do the right thing”. Without a doubt, there were some cases we studied where the ethical issue was somewhat ambiguous.

Then, I enter corporate America and WOW. I remember thinking, didn’t you guys take the Business Ethics class? LOL



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15 Mar 2014, 3:38 pm

I don't think I've ever caused anyone on the job to hate me - if I did, I don't know about it.
:lol:

I just try real hard to tell people what I think it is they want to hear.

I realized some time ago, when someone asks for your opinion, they don't give a rats ass what your opinion is - they just want you to agree with their opinion.

My opinion is important to me, and I don't need to share it... well, except on Internet forums. :lol:

The job I have now, I have to take care of customers for 4 hours/day. I mostly imitate what I see: if they are talking about the weather, I'll talk about the weather; if they say they are sick, I'll wish them well; if they are quiet, I'm quiet, etc...
No one EVER asks for my opinion, so I don't offer it - even if they get into religion or politics.

I do get the impression though that I've said something to make my boss not like me. She is very short with me. So, I try to avoid her as much as possible. Problem solved as far as I'm concerned. :wink:

Someone gave good advice earlier... something about not acting a fool.



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15 Mar 2014, 4:01 pm

I manage it fairly regularly. I told a coworker today "I am really agitated, and need some quiet time", and she seem to hear "Don't ever speak in my presence again, you evil witch. And your kids are really ugly, too." Now I'm annoyed about her reaction, so I'm not going to run over and placate her. :?



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15 Mar 2014, 8:14 pm

What really irritates me is how ready people accept being manipulated. they WANT you to lie to them and tell them what they want to hear instead of the truth. It always makes me think of
[img][800:1080]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/TO-LFVHpA4s/maxresdefault.jpg[/img]

and that gives me shivers



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15 Mar 2014, 11:13 pm

That sounds like the story of my life. If you ever find the solution, let me know.

Rocket123 wrote:
I have tried to keep my mouth shut. At work, I need to constantly remind myself, "Rocket, keep your thoughts to yourself"....
I learned that one from an early age, and that doesn't work either. If they don't know who you are, they project. To the point where I sometimes think they're hallucinating. Sometimes I feel like a walking mirror. Compulsive liars assume I'm always lying. Manipulators think I'm manipulating. Critical people assume I'm criticizing. They just fill in the blanks with whatever demons dominate their own lives.



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16 Mar 2014, 12:33 am

I do it all the time. Even when I'm trying to phrase something gently, and the comment was totally justified considering the circumstances. I find out later someone thinks I was offensive. I've taken to keeping my mouth shut and not giving an opinion but then they just assume I'm being offensive any time I dare open my mouth.


Tahitiii wrote:
That sounds like the story of my life. If you ever find the solution, let me know.
Rocket123 wrote:
I have tried to keep my mouth shut. At work, I need to constantly remind myself, "Rocket, keep your thoughts to yourself"....
I learned that one from an early age, and that doesn't work either. If they don't know who you are, they project. To the point where I sometimes think they're hallucinating. Sometimes I feel like a walking mirror. Compulsive liars assume I'm always lying. Manipulators think I'm manipulating. Critical people assume I'm criticizing. They just fill in the blanks with whatever demons dominate their own lives.


I've found this too. In fact I've found it most notably with members of my own family.



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16 Mar 2014, 12:59 am

Rocket123 wrote:
Yes, this is why I need to constantly remind myself, "Rocket, keep your thoughts to yourself".


Somehow how I figured out decades before getting diagnosed that saying what I really thought was the lesser of two evils http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dict ... -two-evils. People getting angry at me happened infrequently (at least that is what I think) and I stayed in jobs 6 or 7 years. But the lesser of two evils while probably the correct choice for me was still a pretty bad choice. Being a meek or even truly nice person is very disrespected trait if you are an American male. My efforts and results did not get noticed, raises and perks were things other people got and I was always the person on the downsizing list. The damage to my inner self from HOLDING IT IN, HOLDING IN, ALWAYS HOLDING IT IN is incalculable. I am still trying fix what I know about to figure out what I don't know about which is a lot. But I do have plenty of time to figure it out now with ageism and post columbine,post 9/11 increased emphasis on personality and no network to speak of means I am quite unemployable.


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