Married AS/AS and frustrated! PLS HELP :)

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How do I get my guy to see that if we start to have separate lives we will grow apart, he has to be more flexible with his choices, I keep changing jobs to keep pace with his one job of 10 years, which is not enough to support us. I want to have my career but don't have the emotional support at home to even work fulltime, plus when I do work fulltime I still have to do all the housework and bills/paperwork, etc. appointments, he just gets to work and come home and play video games.

It's been like this for years. I feel like I don't know him or myself anymore, we've been together since 2002. He's always agreeable to anything in a discussion then when push comes to shove, he stalls and procrastinates and I have to change my plans again (which always include him and what he wants to do, he just can't meet me in the middle)
We were supposed move to NH to be close to both of our aging parents, his parent's being almost 10 years older, and we had the move-in date set, I had a job down there, and he had given notice to his work and BAM he says, can't go, can't do it... I have no idea why his lame job is stressful and pays crap and he only works it fulltime for 3 months of the year (it's a seasonal restaurant job).

I have had a lot of opportunities to start businesses, to move and help more with my parents' business (possibly even own it if I show enough dedication), pursue really amazing career paths like biochemistry, work at pretty swank restaurant/hotels (but the schedule would mean not seeing hubby very often and he refused to change his schedule at work).

I keep having this resentment at choosing the "simple, poor life" when I knew I had potential to do better, I married a simple man because I was so complicated, it still works well I just can't get him to compromise, tell me what he really wants, etc.

Here's the kicker, we both have AS, only discovering it after my diagnosis 2 years ago. We are in a whole different world now with so many limitations. I don't know what to do!! I can't go to regular counsel for advice because they just have no idea about an Asperger couple, we ourselves are learning almost daily more about ourselves and our shared condition.

I have this huge ego/pride thing that makes me excel for a while at challenging tasks, then get bored, then the stress gets to me and I fail at that endeavor. He has remained stable and employed for the last decade in contrast to my many "false starts". It has taken it's toll, the way we live, both ways for over a decade. What do I do!?!?

I'm stuck with this:
1. I have no real education (I'm almost finished with my associates in Culinary Arts as in I have to complete a 400 hr work externship, while enrolled in the class that costs about $500)
2. I'm a middle aged white American female, so my job prospects are mostly limited to cashiering, cleaning, service industry ( I have a hard time finding good work in restaurants as a cook, even in these more equal times)
3. I can't seem to come to terms with the extent of my disability and keep trying to do more than I'm able, which makes for a financial nightmare combined with a fluctuating seasonal income.

Current situation:
1. Work part time, 20 hrs a week as a cashier and it's pretty damn boring and I hate it other than I like the people I work with/for and was doing them a favor by being reliable
2. I still need to finish my externship, which could be done at all hours greatly compromising "couple time" and even more so "me time" which already is something I need more when more stressed (working full-time)
3. I want to stay with my husband, support him and be there in a good capacity, and the only way I am able to do this (from experience) is by putting my ambition aside so I have energy to care for my man with all the unique challenges that come with Aspergers.

Anyone in a long-term, committed relationship where both partners have ASD? How do you make things work with some of the rigidity involved and how do you explain/manage/justify your unusual relationship to "normals" to get the help you need etc. ?

I want to finish my advanced degree in a practical science, like biochemistry, though that would mean long hours studying, very low income, and much less resources to do the housewife stuff I'm taking care of (pretty badly) now.
How do I just give up on my professional dreams to be a good wife? What about this magical balance thing I'm so bad at, how to have a cool job, good marriage, etc. all at the same time! Moderation, consistency, finishing what I start, HUGE CHALLENGES.

Doing stuff differently is not an Aspie's strong suit, and deciding what needs to change is also just as challenging. How do I do this part?

I had a partner many years ago who probably had (has) Asperger's Syndrome. While I was unaware of my own AS until recently, it was difficult to stay together beyond a couple years. Our special interests were compatible, so the good time were great and the bad times were horrible. I don't know if two Aspies trying to live together is a good idea.

But, I wish you good luck with your thoughtful attempt to keep your relationship healthy and happy.

His one job of 10 years is not enough to support a family, he can't offer emotional support at home, he does not help with housework at all (including bills and appointments).
He has parttime job 9 months out of 12 and play videogames all free time.

Looks like he feels very comfortable with you.

"I just can't get him to compromise, tell me what he really wants"
Perhaps there is nothing for him to tell? He has already got what he wants - the chance to hide from the world in games and a lot free time for it. You might simply have the bigger potencial than he, more energy to do something with your life. You might simply want more.

What do you get by staying with him? I mean seriously. 12 years is a long time, you did not split apart, so you must be getting something from this partnership too. Something to do with basical needs I think (I don't mean sex, though it may be a part of it too). Because, forgive me, but this choice of a partner doesn't look rational to me. There must be something else. Emotional..? Do your parents have the similar pattern of communication, so you dont know how else to exist, for example? Something like that. Define it yourself and decide if this 'something what you get' is more important for you than the realization of your potential?

I don't know about bills (what time it takes, in my country it takes 5 minutes per month to pay bills online). I don't know about those appointments too, what does it mean and what time it takes in your country. All I know is about housework. And logically, the one who has more free time (or less income which is often the same) takes care of housework to balance out the family symbiosis. It is a bit unclear about the size your income. Is it bigger than his? If it is the same, can you at least make him help you when you do the housework so you make dinner or cleaning together? Doing things together helps the relationship.

There are many reasons beyond what someone does with their time to be with someone. I love my husband, so that's an emotional investment I have for sure.

I'm trying to figure out if it's even morally correct to pursue my potential at all instead of being a loving, supportive wife. I also at the same time, can't just sit by and see our life suck without any real reason to it, with endless conversations about how good things would be if we were more active, less stressed, etc. then I start to sound like the what-if girl and get separated from reality a bit...

Yeah I guess my hubby has the perfect bachelor life but with a slave woman to look after the house etc. and do his bidding. TBH I don't run around cleaning all the time, I don't have enough energy left for it after maintaining my relationships and small part time job. So my potential, however great, will never be realized because I'm too damned tired. I want to make sure I don't keep foolishly pursuing my ambitions and failing, which will break up my relationship. Maybe this is something to be more humble about , something to work on boundaries. It's a long road.

Thanks for all the replies. I must be nuts to date another Aspie, though it's such a fun kind of nuts.

I agree that a therapist can help you, but don't sit around analyzing forever. From what you're saying, it seems to me that in the end you have to decide whether you're going to just get swung around on the end of his rope, or go and live and let him come along if he wants to. There isn't a moral issue involved. He's an adult and can look after himself, and if he can't, he's free to come with you. Personally, I could not live with someone who valued my time/energy/family and his own word so lightly, but that's me. A counselor will help you figure out what's right for you.