Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

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I am new here and this is my first thread. I am nt sure if this is the right place for this thread or not.

I am having an issue. Let me explain. My hubby has Asperger's. I do not. We have been married for 20 years. We have 3 kids. One of those 3 also is an aspie. For 15 years I assumed my Hubby was a narcissists. He was cold and calculated. He was borderline verbally abusive. I had no idea he was an aspie. He also has OCD or at least the therapist and I think so. It may be just part of the Asperger's and the need for schedules and organization.


About 3 years ago we started marriage counseling. It was in marriage counseling that the therapist suggested he has aspergers. It is often hereditary. When she sais that it made total since. For 15 years I thought he was just being mean. I thought he choose to say rude things, or be extremely blunt, or act as if he only cared about himself. It was soooo helpful to know that it was not completely of his choosing. For a while it was a relief to know he was an aspie. The mannerisms have not really changed they have just become easier to deal with. But we are 3 years into discovering he is an aspie. Things are not exactly easy. I am 40. I am down right unhappy being married. Now that I know he is an aspie and that there is little chance that he will change and will most likely continue to be rude and self centered, I am struggling with the choice of weather I can remain married to him or not. I can't begin to tell you how neglected I feel and how much I do not look forward to the next 40 years with this man. I feel terrible for not being able to accept him for who he is. He has excepted me for my issues and I can't do the same. ( I have PTSD, and HSP -highly sensitive personality)

Living with this man leaves me feeling so beat down emotionally, it leaves me with no self esteem. I feel very controlled by him, and I am on the boarder of depression due to being married to someone who is self centered. Now that I know it is aspergers we are dealing with I have become more aware that these issues are part of my husbands personality. I have thought about me and my hubby separating. But after realizing he is an aspie the realization that this may not get better makes is sooooo much more difficult.

My Hubby does have some great traits don't get me wrong. The aspergers gives him the ability to run a business and be a business owner. He is in construction and the attention he gives to detail makes him highly sought after in the construction world. His devotion to the church is unbelievable. That is part of what makes this so difficult. All I ever wanted was a godly man, but this is to much.

I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for from folks here. Books that may help, suggestions, opinions, support. IDK. I just know he is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do.

Absent people getting smacked around or endangered, I hate to ever advise splitting up.

But a lot of it depends on whether he is willing to work on some things. Some things are never going to change-- I doubt he will ever figure out how to give you the kind of attention "normal" women seem to want. I doubt he will ever be good at picking out presents, or helping with housework (hell, I'm an Aspie female who has made housework her career, and I'M not that great at it, generally having to be told what people want to see get done on a given day). I doubt you will ever get the kind of attention his business does (running such a business must be very time- and energy-consuming; my hubby is an ADHD engineer who works for someone else and I feel like a 'work-widow' more often than I want to discuss), or the kind of attention the church does (I figure it's a situation where someone else asks him to do a specific thing, and the expectations are pretty concrete and defined).

My suggestion would be to pick ONE THING between you, him, and the counselor that you want to see changed, that he might feel is within his capacity to change, and that the counselor can work out a concrete plan for helping you both change. If he's willing to work on one thing at a time, very slowly and possibly in exchange for one thing that you'll agree you can just accept, things might change. One thing at a time, very slowly.

Then again, they might not. After 40 years, you've got a lot of resentment, and he's pretty set in his ways.

If he won't change and you can't accept things as they are, I guess the only thing left to do is weigh "the devil you know" (continuing to live with him) against "the devil you don't" (getting a divorce and trying to do it on your own), and deciding which devil you'd rather have to fight on a daily basis.

I'm sorry that that's a very logical and very Aspie solution. I don't know what to do about the emotional pain that you are stuck with either way. I don't know what to do about my own or my husband's; other than taking him at his word, I don't even know how to fathom how much pain being married to me has caused him. Sometimes it seems like life isn't a proposition of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, but of figuring out which pains are least difficult for one to bear and the least taxing way of bearing them.

The two things that I would suggest changing are borderline verbal abuse and controlling behavior.

I doubt he can stop yelling; my ASD father didn't have an "inside voice." EVERYTHING was said at a conversational shout and got louder from there depending on the intensity of the emotion (good or bad). But yelling doesn't have to mean hurling insults and epithets. My dad was very good about criticizing the action or the behavior, but not the person doing it. That helped IMMENSELY.

Controlling behavior is usually anxiety-driven or a result of being really bad at asking instead of telling. I figure if he runs a construction business, he spends a lot of time ordering people around, and that carries over. But that's not an excuse. You're a 40-year-old mother of three; regardless of your career or earnings or anything else, you've earned the right to some degree of autonomy. Fifty percent would be nice, wouldn't it?? I'm the Aspie in this relationship, and sometimes I feel that way!! I guess I have no right to complain as I get to be a SAHM, but I was just discussing with an older recently widowed woman this morning how tired we get of being told where to squat and when to lean.

What would you like to have more control over????

Thank you so much. I am sorry you are in a less then optimal situation. I am really considering leaving. I am not the person I was 20 years ago. I am a people pleaser and now I have failed at that. I am a home maker and I fail at that. I have ADD and he has OCD. It is kinda a bad mix. His aspie drill sergeant ways are starting to affect the kids to.

Thank you so much for answering. It means a lot to me just to be heard and understood.

Hi xyz,

This doesn't really directly answer your post, but I run a blog that helps Aspie Men to better interact with NT's (including NT partner's).

I recently wrote a post that discusses how Aspie Men communicate affection in different ways to what NT women often expect or notice.
I also have an eBook which details how an Aspie Man and NT woman can work together to overcome differences and build a healthy and fulfilling living situation for both of them.

Again, this isn't necessarily directly for you - but I thought it may be helpful for you to be able to read something that gives you a different perspective into your husbands way of thinking.

Or maybe you would like to check out the eBook to use to work together with your husband - I don't know.

Anyway if you do think it will be worthwhile:

Here is the link to the article I mentioned 3 Powerful Ways For An Aspie To Effectively Communicate Love And Affection To A Neurotpyical Partner

And this is the link direct to the ebook (its free) Aspie Social Weapons Of Survival And Success

I hope this helps

Thank you very much. I will certainly read the article. I don't know what to do with an e book really. I have a pc and that is all. Not sure how to do to much with it. But I will certainly read what I can. Articles I do know how to read. I real lots of books. Real paper and such work good for this old school girl. Than you again for making these things available.

You are most welcome

The eBook is just an PDF file which means you should easily be able to open it on your PC.

Also if you prefer physical copies you could just print out the pages that you are most interested in - I recommend clicking on 'Module 7' in the contents page, which will take you to the sections on Relationships

Again, I hope this helps

There is actually a difference between the set routines of an Aspie and OCD.

An Aspie can be easily distracted--perhaps a new toy shows up in the mail.

Real OCDs get stuck--I recall once visiting a OCD site called something like "Stuck in a Doorway."
They aren't easily distracted. That site is gone.
http://exposingocd.blogspot.com/2011/06 ... p-ocd.html
This blog might be helpful.

OCDs can't get rid of their compulsions--at best, you will be trading one compulsion for another. For instance, stove checking--if there is no stove to check they will find another compulsion.

I am ASD man married to NT woman. It might be worked out if you as a couple are both willing to give it your best to make it satisfactory for each of you, thru listening to each other, making changes (where those are possible), compromises or adaptions, etc. It would require very honest communication to begin with.

Thank you very much fr explaining what kind of book that is. I can definitely download PDF's. I like to touch the paper and have it as a reference. Printing it would be helpful to me.

Are you married in any true sense of the word or just living in the same house?

It seems that you stopped loving or respecting him a long time ago, and understanding his neurodiversity hasn't changed your attitude at all. You will never accept him as the person he is, and he can't become neurotypical to suit your needs. You sound as though you don't even like him - there's no sign of affection, appreciation, approval, acceptance - the basics that are the foundation of a loving relationship. Without those elements, marriage is a pretence.

You say you feel neglected. How you communicating your needs?

Aspies are terrible at non-verbal communication--throwing non-verbal hints at him is like waving posterboard signs in front of someone unlucky enough to be born without eyes.

I remember one case in which a young lady got so frustrated trying to get my attention at a small dinner party that she did a "chest thrust," which caused audible gasps from the other guests. I guess that did get my attention. It didn't take much conversation to realize that it we wouldn't make it as a couple--as much as she tried she just couldn't grasp any of the clever things I said--we were just too far apart in intellect.

Is it unfair that you have to work so hard to be part of a team?

Unfair is having your partner being taken away by a horrible disease after making it the adjustments needed to make the marriage work.