Marriage in jeopardy... when to call it quits

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4 years ago I(ASPIE) had an affair on my wife(NT). It lasted on and off for about a year. I ended it but kept it from my wife for an additional year. The whole time after I had ended it I was hounded by the other girl and my stress was through the roof and had to seek counseling and came upon my current diagnosis (ASD, ADHD, OCD, Anxiety). During this time my wife had gotten pregnant so I decided to come 100% clean with her for the sake of my marriage and child. Since then we have gone to counseling and things were better than have been in since before my affair.

But this past January we were supposed to attend a birthday party for the child of some friends of ours. The problem was the girl was related to this couple and would most likely attend this party. My wife told me and we decided to avoid the party and reschedule for another day. problem solved... or so I thought. During the following week my wife told me she was going to go speak our counselor alone as she is feeling overwhelmed. Which I was on board with because she is a mother of a toddler and runs her own business, stress comes with the territory.

She went to her session and things went on as usual for another week. During this period I had an old friend come and stay with us who has somewhat moved away. Over a decade we had a falling and hadn't spoken for 2-3 years. We had since made amends and see each other occasionally. The falling out was about my wife. Previous to my wife and I getting together she and my friend had hooked up. No problem for me, it was one time and months before we were dating. But at the time he still had feelings for her(though he had a girlfriend) and resented me for dating my future wife.

Ok well, my wife told me that she didn't have closure from happened between her and my friend years and years and wanted to clear the air. So made a point to meet up with him to do that. I trust my wife and my friend so I thought it was a good idea for them to get some closure.

After she had returned from the meet she seemed off and didn't say much. We had plans to go meet some other friends and take our daughter to her mothers for the night, as it was also out 10 year anniversary(not the wedding anniversary just when we started dating). She said she wasn't feeling up for it, and that I should go. I did but something was off so I returned home after a short outing. We started talking and she told me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and doesn't this will work out. When I heard this I lost it weeping, punching furniture, and I ended up leaving to stay in my workshop to calm down.

When I went back inside I went straight to bed and didn't say anything. The next morning I tried to get some details out over how this happened and she was very foggy on the details.

So while she was busy I looked at her phone...(I was not in a clear state of mind)... I read that she was talking to my friend that she went to go see and basically dictated our entire conflict from the night before to him and said "I don't think he can handle it I guess I will have to deny my feelings for a little bit longer". Upon reading this I confronted her to get the meaning. She said it was "her feeling that our marriage is failing that she was denying" despite logical fallacies in that I half to take her on her word.

Since then she has changed her tune and still wants to work on the marriage. Currently we are separated going on 3 weeks. The first week she still seemed interested, actually called me for a booty call... the second week she said she has to keep being strong and not interact with me unless it is about our daughter or finances... and since then I have been trying to respect that but have had low points. I know it has only been a few weeks but it is really hard to maintain hope.

Her reason for separating was for 'space' to help find what she wants in life.

I know there is no definite timeline for this to resolve or a silver bullet to fix this. But I am afraid of the possibility that she is stringing me along because she thinks I can't handle the rejection, and really knows what she wants but doesn't want to hurt me unless I have some outside support in place.

any thoughts?

She f*#@ed your buddy. She's thinking about leaving you for him.

Aww man.

the way I see it is i have to decide to take her at her word or not. if i choose to believe her I'd have to let it go and not push about it. If i assume she did something, despite what she said, I don't think it would be as hard to let it slide since i had some wrong doings in the past also. Eye for and eye? Call it even?

Or is that just me being a doormat?

Whether she did or not. She was not honest about her intention for going. Would that plus my insecurity about it and my previous infidelities be a sign that the marriage is too far gone?

I do still love her.

But either way I'm kind of lost.

Different people have different reactions when it comes to cheating. If I was your wife, I would have left you when you cheated. If I were you, I would leave her now. But I'm not either one of you. If you want to remain married, try marriage counseling. It sounds like you and she have a lot of issues to work out. And ditch the "buddy".

"I don't think he can handle it I guess I will have to deny my feelings for a little bit longer" --

I read this as 'deny her feelings for him.' Meaning she is telling him she plans to make a move.

Now, my understanding is that there is a long tradition of married people telling their love interests outside the marriage that they plan to get divorced and make a permanent move to the love interest, when they have no intention of doing this. So, who knows? Maybe she is just stringing him along. Maybe she wants to get back at you for your prior betrayal.

If you still want to be with her, keep trying, otherwise, let it go.

I can't see evidence in what you have written of mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual care for each other's well-being. Without those factors, marriage is only a piece of paper based on history, not a relationship where each partner is committed to the other's total well-being and where partners support and bring out the best in each other, because of the bonds they have each nourished through the relationship journey.

IMO, there are two kinds of marriages - "full" and "empty". The ones in between are travelling one way or the other, usually tracking down to empty. Some couples in the early stage of marriage are still tracking toward full and achieve it as they learn more about adult relationships. The full kind has the loving bond and positive elements mentioned above; the empty kind is a shell, corrupted by broken trust, past betrayal, dishonest communication, pretence, stonewalling, and at the worst, contempt for one or both partners. People choose to stay in empties for all sorts of reasons - "for the children" "because of the status" "I don't want to split my assets" "I don't believe in (the stigma of) divorce" "I can't cope alone". They are not good reasons to stay married though, the adult who stays in them just gives up on personal growth and stays stuck in old patterns.

I think very happy marriages are quite rare, and require a considerable level of maturity in both partners - which isn't the case in many I've seen. Most people seem to go into marriage with the primary idea of getting their own needs met, not meeting the needs of their spouse. Inequality build in from the start undermines the hope of a more mature marriage developing later. Some couples achieve this as they grow together despite the odds, but your history doesn't sound like one of the ones that undergoes that transition to me.

I wouldn't say our marriage is "empty".

Previous infidelities on my part were part of conflicts in my life regarding low self esteem, undiagnosed conditions, and addiction issues... not that that is an excuse it was still a decision i made.

Since then my wife has been very supportive while simultaniously trying to resolve the trust issues that arose.

The counselor suggested that perhaps the time this came to light with our new daughter and issues i was having. My wife didn't take the time to properly address her anger and other emotions. And the later incident with the party brought those back above ground.

And honestly i don't have 100% proof that she did anything wrong with my buddy. I have doubts, but even my wife admitted she didn't handle that right and has cut off communication with him because she knew it didn't make me comfortable.

Honestly i want it to work out and i hope she does too. but thats out of my hands for now.

We go to to 2-3 counseling sessions alone each then one together.

I like the "anonymous" opinions without concern for my feelings

Thanks guys

Not sarcasm

It's annoying to have people say "it'll be ok"

Based on nothing.

Whatever happens happens i guess

But I'm mostly looking for a consensus.

social and emotional situations are not my forte....

Thanks for clarifying!
It is funny to me that I genuinely can't tell.

Those modes of communication are not my strength.

One thing that I have found helpful in my marriage is to periodically take time to talk about everything at length and in depth--like five or six hours straight. I would sometimes have the intuition that something was not right but not know what it was and also know that when I asked and was told it was OK, it really wasn't--so I would just ask and ask until we had a huge conversation and got into the depths of her feelings. If not for those, I would never have known what she was going through emotionally and I suspect the marriage would have disintegrated long ago.

If the marriage is important to you, then focus your efforts on saving it. If the marriage isn't important, then let it go.
I like the comments about how it's a matter of perspective, how much can I get from this as apposed to how much can I give to it. I think people behave toward marriage sort of either the way they would relate to either something living that they have stewardship over (like a child), or a possession.
If the marriage is living, then you give everything to make it better, much like you would for a child, or someone you loved. If your child is sick, you take her to the doctor, you invest more time to get her healthy. So is the marriage, if it is having problems and needs some rededicated effort, you spend everything on it till either it is back to health, or despite all of your efforts, it dies. And by all of your efforts, I do mean all, the good ones, the bad ones, the in between ones, the best ones if they are available, whatever you got that moment, you give to the marriage to keep it alive.
On the flip side, if the marriage is just something you have, like a job or some other possession, as soon as the cons of staying married outweigh the pros, cut it loose.
You have to decide what is important to you, and then fight for it. If you want your marriage to be a living breathing entity, and it isn't, then you have to make it so, by behaving like it is, and investing the time and effort required to show that you value it that strongly.
If you don't value it that strongly, that's ok too. It's important to know, so that you can find the things you do value, and fight for them, instead of wasting your effort on things that won't make you happy.

So since you asked the question, when do I call it quits, and that implies a certain mindset, the answer is simply, when the effort required to sustain it is more than the effort required to end it. Alternately, you can reject that answer, and make a decision to never call it quits, and fight for your marriage forever.

Either way, you have to answer for yourself, what kind of marriage you want and if you value it that highly. People have different values and that's ok.

I also am often not a great wordsmith, and if anything I've said is offensive in any way, I apologize for it. I hope you are able to understand and appreciate the intent of my words.
Good luck and stay safe.