The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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You also helped him run the business and you get half of everything no matter what. Don't get some faint hearted lawyer. You get a lawyer no one wants to be friends with because they are a jerk. Make sure their fangs are long. If all else fails, you tell him that for a six pack of beer you can get a couple of rednecks to convince him to sign anything. They'll do it just for the fun of it and laugh about it to their buddies later. Ugh. We need my mother to go down there or at least my brothers.


Make copies of every single thing you did for that business. Get all the financial records. The next time you get the car, make a copy of the key he doesn't know about. Put the house on the market now. When dh flipped his cork I made him sign a power of attorney that allowed me to do everything. That's when he found out about the rednecks and beer. Never mess with a redhead even if it is just having a breakdown.

It's time for you to have a supernova on him.

Thanks for the advice, girls. I've been busy tonight helping my son.

The business is complicated. I created the business, the web site and it is my intellectual property. I own the server and the domain name. I have a vested interest in it that is going to hard to untangle.

Ach, the house needs so much work before anyone would buy it.

Last edited by SeriousGirl on 09 May 2007, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have any advice to give but I can offer moral support!

Thanks Blessed, you guys are great.

My lawyer test is this, Look for the one I can piss off the fastest and goes for my throat, they're a keeper. If they charge a bunch for their services, they're going to save you a lot more further down the line. In my case I learned never get a public defender.

I think you and I have much the same attitude with the label redneck, lol. You can't convince a redneck to do anything, unless you've got a bit of it in you as well and happen to like more then a couple. Guess it sort of comes along with where you're raised and be brave enough to see what's in your own family tree, lol. My obsessions know no label boundries, if they're into the same thing, then it's all good.

Wife's daughter is a redhead, cute thing or so she says, probably true she talks her way out of speeding tickets all the time. Ex marine, well to her there is once a Marine always a Marine, she had no self confidance as a kid, she does now. Love her to death, but...Everytime I see her we go into the redheaded step child bit. I tell her she needs beaten everytime and she comes back at me just as easily. Wife made a pack with her, if something happens to the Wife, Sue is to keep an eye on me, I'm freakin doomed I tell ya.

You just take one step at a time and pick your allies well. You are getting strong. Don't forget that. Everything you are doing is right for you. I may be a long way away, but I am thinking only good thoughts for you. (Okay some bad ones for him, but when you forgive him I will too. Promise.)

Serious, so sorry it's gotten to this point.
A little advice regarding your house. Don't make any judgements on your own. Do get some advice from a professional regarding the value as it is, and if it would be necessary to fix it up in order to sell.

The advice about the paperwork is very good. Keep the originals in a safe location, make copies of all of it. If your hubs worked on your website, write out what he did and when and so forth.

Very sad for you ....

SeriousGirl,

Sorry for sticking my nose in, but there's one bit of advice that I learnt watching some of our friends split up, and that's "look after number 1".

Basically if things don't work out, you're going to end up supporting your kids, and you're going to need to get as much out of this separation as you can. When these friends of ours divorced, the wife was very compliant and basically gave in over everything. This meant that she ended up in a house with a joint mortgage, which she then couldn't sell without her ex's permission.

In effect, he ended up still controlling them, but doing what he wanted with his life. Whilst he was swanning around in a highly paid job, paying a pittence in maintenance, she was having to scrape a living whilst looking after the two kids.

He now sticks in an appearance, drops off the occasional expensive gift, and takes the kids on all expenses paid holidays all over the world, whilst she has to make do with a caravan on hte English Coast. And of course the kids think how wonderful he is, because he let's them do what they want and flashes around all his cash (but only when it suits him).

You need good professional advice - and listen to it, considering it carefully. Our friend had the advice, but didn't listen, and she ended up in a right pickle with her ex-husband running the show and their kids thinking the sun shone out of his backside. Mum ended up as the "wicked parent" because she didn't have money to throw around and had to be responsible.

All I'm trying to say is don't end up as the patsy in this sad position you're in.

Hmmm. I woke up this morning and felt absolutely nothing for him. Perhaps that is a good thing. Daughter is going to spend some time with him at his nice hotel so he's already started trying to win her affection through lavish living.

I really do have him over a barrel as far as the business goes. He knows nothing about the technical side of it and can't do anything with the server. I'm sure he might try.

But, but ,but there are others for sale that do.

I own the server and I have the password. Even the server company doesn't know the password. But, yes I am going to get a lawyer.

I just got stung with a statement. So does this belong in the married thread or the unmarried thread or the I was once married thread? I don't see two of those. probabaly shouldn't put it up at all, but I will anyway.

I see a stereotype, the dead beat dad. You might just as well wave the R word in front of me (ret*d).

There is another side to that story and it is very often pointed at the male side. It still is common and women know about this and abuse the s**t out of it with a courts blessing. Welcome to my nightmare with the f*****g system. I never wanted to give but more then a fair share to kid support. The court looked at my life and at that time I didn't have a clue of even a missed DX of anything, they passed judgement. I was a walking talking piece of lazy crap. At one point a judge told me not to even try to do Archaeology, it wasn't a real job, I ignored him. My ex made it her business to stay on my butt and rightfuly so. It wasn't an easy go for her. However she didn't stop at me and played the I'm so destitute game and you love your grandkids and if you don't help me you'll never see them again. Parents bought her a house and she burned them bad for the gift. Uncommon? Hardly. She got every dime the court wanted me to pay, but I'll bet you a nickle the kids don't know that, wouldn't matter any more if they did, damage has been done. Hell I still have other states calling me to make me pay more. Case was closed folks, but it's still the system in over drive. So careful where you point that gun, I'll take it away from you and...grrr. Man I hate the f*****g system. So anyway she did take off and brainwashed the kids and physicaly abused them and still to this day, my kids look at me as the evil one. I'll not see them again nor my grandkids. I'm still being punished and it was never my fault. Do you want to play a game? That one I still play for blood. If there is one thing in my entire life I could go back and change, I would lift that burden from my parents shoulders, I can't. Be careful who you hire to watch your kids, she still thinks she's good with them. To an outsider looking at my life they probably observed it much the same way the courts were and anybody else that was looking to pass a judgement, I was on some happy lark. Yeah well let me tell you about my little walk through life. Sex abuse? I'm not sure to be honest, if she does it, but she knows how to play the system against a man just by accussing them of it. It wasn't me, she didn't like who one of the kids was married to. Although the very last time we played that little go round she lost big time and was looking at a jail term herself. I just happened to have a little money that day. So when I say get a good lawyer, don't ignore that statement.

Careful with the male sterotypes Sorry, I needed to vent, so thanks. It really was not directed at any one person. Hate sterotypes, more then a few of us here had to go that way. I still need to go talk through that little 20 some years of past history. Today is appointment day and I have to leave the house, not easy for me and meltdown time to get in a car. A small bucket of valium doesn't hurt and I just baited myself to think about going to get brackets for a cat walk in my cave. I'm such a fool, I fall for it almost everytime.

Cernunnos is absolutely right. I was one of the "nice" little ladies who wanted to be fair to her ex-husband and not make waves. It has been 12 years and I am still putting up with his BS. You need to take a stand NOW so that he knows you are serious and he can't walk all over you.
I used to worry about the kids and all the money he spent on them, but they learned to see him for what he is. Only 1 of them still goes to see him. The one that lived with him for a year quit talking to him over a year ago. Just be sure that you don't actively try to turn them on their father. Then you become the bad guy. It is also wise to keep a journal or paper trail of conversations he has with about anything, finances or kids.

Yup yup good point forgot that one. That was FTA rule number one (FTA = f**k the army) Keep a journal.

Postie, I'm so sorry and I don't want my kids to have a bad relationship with their dad. That seems utterly selfish. On the other hand, I don't want to be slighted either. My husband thinks he knows best what is good for everyone. He is opinionated and paternalistic.

I'm trying to think about this logically and not let my emotions control my thinking. I believe he does want to have a good relationship with the kids.

Being that your kids are both teens, it is important to remember that they are old enough to manage the relationship they have with their father. I told my kids and their dad that when the oldest turned 14. I intervene only if it is requested or there is a situation that they can't handle. When my ex asked why S doesn't see him anymore I told him to ask S. When he complained S wouldn't tell him I suggested counselling if he really wanted to fix things. It never happened, S is happy with his life, I don't lose any sleep over it. T1 loves his father dearly and is the only one that still sees him every other weekend. I don't understand the whole relationship, Taylor is happy, I stay quietly vigilant. It is a real balancing act and you will find the balance. It just takes time.