The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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I am a self-diagnosed Aspie married to an NT woman for over 4 years and next week will mark 5 years being together. This is my second marriage and her third and she has two girls from her first marriage. Initially, as in most all relationships, things were fine during the "honeymoon phase" and the "quirks" were not as annoying, but even "cute", but as we moved in together and eventually married, things starting going downhill because we didn't understand each other. And me not knowing why I behaved as I did, I could not give her a reason why I seemed self-important, or needed my "away time", or was hyperfocused.

During our marriage there have come times when we nearly divorced - I can think of at least a couple but I wouldn't be surprised if she said there were more and I wouldn't even argue. The first 2-3 years had many ups and downs, and there were communication issues and assumptions on both sides. We're both strong, independent people who aren't used to relying on others and have had to make decisions ourselves. To a degree we are still like that. I concede that I am a horrible listener, as like most Aspies, and I cannot totally relate and I try to "fix" the problem instead of shutting the hell up and absorbing the words (like most men - Aspie or not) - a "verbal punching bag", if you will. My wife could never understand why I preferred to be in the office goofing off on the computer instead of watching TV with the family - unless the show interested me (which was less than half the shows that were watched in the house). She could never understand why things always had to be "perfect" (why bother to do something if you're going to do it half-assed?). These were obstacles that neither one of us knew the cause of.

Coincidentally, it was about a year or so ago that my wife suggested I might have Asperger's because our nephew (my wife's sister's son) has been clinically diagnosed with Asperger's, and she noted the similarities between our behaviors. Even further were a few things she read on Facebook about people with Asperger's, such as those graphics about how Aspie's don't like bright lights (check), are picky eaters (check), unaware of touch and pain (check), etc. It has been since that point where our relationship has come together a lot more and she realized that the faults I have are unconscious faults being an Aspie. She understands that while I try to change I try to change my behavior, I tend to fail because of the routine factor we all are blessed/cursed with (depending on your viewpoint). To a degree I have been able to change some things, while others are at various levels of "work in progress", but it takes a long time to change behaviors as I'm sure just about everyone reading this is aware.

In some ways I feel sorry that she has to constantly remind me to ease my touch, not be too loud, and to spend time with her instead of being on the computer or clutching a video game controller - almost as if I am a kid. But in that regard, I am blessed that I have a wife who cherishes our relationship enough to have taken the time and effort to understand me, has helped me realize who I am, and who has patience with me. For that I am forever grateful and I try not to take that for granted. As we have gotten to know each other better, and have communicated better, we've been able to smooth out those highs and lows because we understand each other better.

I also am thankful for my nephew, for without him I might still be searching for why I'm "not like everyone else". I hope I can be a good role model for him so that he knows that despite being "different", sometimes that what makes you "different" puts you in a better position to succeed or to compliment a team.

mongo_nc, I too am a self-diagnosed Aspie married to an NT woman (married only 2.75, but together 6.5). I have to say you are really lucky... It's been 4-5 years since I first self-diagnosed, but I yet to feel like she actually believes me. Every time I bring it up (which is usually when she's asking me to explain *why* I think a certain way), she dismisses it offhandedly. While I've asked point blank if she believes me, and she says yes, it never seems genuine and often is mumbled or immediately dismissed like "Yes, but you can't be that bad, you just have to try harder", etc.

My question to the forum (I am new, only recently found wrong planet) is thus: how can I help her both believe me and then actually understand? I can't say how many times my misinterpreting something that happened (or more often completely missing some supposedly obvious social cue) and wound up with her more than just frustrated with me. I feel like I'm reaching the end of the rope and just want a support, not someone trying to fit me into a mold.

Muse over my developing relationship with ? Self suggested Borderline High Functioning Aspie. Seems to me being on the Spectrum isn't a bad thing, it just is.. Obviously in relationships, adjustment and compromise is mutual however in some things the Mutability is well - how flexible am I, how prepared am I to be and when does it really need to count
Then how to make him aware that he is accountable for me needing to make a count of what matters without reducing him to a state of "oh no maybe I no longer count"
If that all sounds like gobbledygook then without doubt you are further along an Aspie/NT relationship than I.
I often feel that the fabric of our relationship is as if 2 bright fresh bubbles floating in the breeze touched gently when the surface tension was just right and at that point the bubbles fused. We divide as all lovers part to live the unique U&i lives that makes Us possible & then falling back into each other can be a matter of chance rather than reliability at least where coupledom connection is concerned.
Everything that is beautiful about my Aspie Man is still very much the same, it is just difficult for me to touch. Almost just not finding the surface tension wherever we collide,
Ie What day, Where he is, What happened 5mins ago. He appears So amazingly self focused and yet not at all Narcissistic and I know Narcissist very well.
How to explain how fragile our relationship feels even though I know and truly believe that in his mind "WE" are rock solid. This is also how he feels. I find it difficult to feel it in him and have to trust his demonstration more than his "energy"
Not a freak hippie, I have a highly tuned emotional IQ, reading people's emotional state in intimate high risk situations is an occupational must or at the very least for me a huge professional advantage.
So excusing my "energy" comment.
How does one ease oneself through moments when the surface tension almost opposes the likelihood of these 2 people bubbles connecting when next together (outside of the bedroom - that's a given and easy as pie)?
Please don't answer with Mumbo Jumbo about Self Assurance, Self Confidence etc. get all that ad infinitum. I am really keen to ask my Aspie how I can ask him to look for the places in his Aspie self on other points of his bubble that we can connect or I can give him the right cues that allow the surface tension to attract rather than repel.
I use this analogy rather than that of magnets because relationships are a soft connection, no less fierce than that of magnets. Just mutable in the way we are designed or choose to entertain any given relationship - yes I truly believe that there can be and is more than one right person for all of us. Te right person can change and this is really ok!
If there are ways tried and true to ask these things of an Aspie such that the answer is easily and rationally plausible in accordance with my needs to understand. Transport the solution now to both he and I. Without unseating my man as to the stability and commitment I feel from him and have for him - pl tell all NT's out here who are just discovering life on Another Planet, where the docking stations can be most easily identified by our Aspies to be then shared with us NT's.
I certainly can't view yours as the Wrong Planet although can appreciate the personal view point.
As for the Galaxy I think each of you is a Star and I aspire to the purity of mind that goes with Aspergers such as I perceive it, I find myself positively muddy, muddled and quite often in a confused state of being by comparison. Almost feeble!

I am very very lucky to be married to a man who may not understand what I am going through but tries his best. He is very supportive of me not working if it ever comes to that and for getting any and all help that I might need. I really won the lottery with him, I was so afraid of getting hurt again that I spurned his advances and he finally wore me down. He's very easygoing usually but he can be a stubborn ass when he wants something and that something was me.

I know it is hard for him when I have a shutdown or meltdown and get frustrated at him for dumb things. But we keep up communication and have worked through everything. We have amore stable marriage then a lot of "normies" do.

I'm gonna marry my fiancé in August. We've already sent out some invitations. I was never a huge wedding person, but now I'm all thinking about the dress and ceremony and living with him forever and it's making me all sorts of excited.

Your fiancé is a lucky guy. Good luck!

Sorry, I just feel the need to share how happy I am with having gotten married with the most perfect man in the universe.

i have been living with/roomies with a guy for 8 monthes and very frustrated with a lot of social and personal issues. i just found out yesterday that ALL our issues are autism issues. he doesnt have any clue he has this, but its clear to me that he does. he is VERY smart and lovable and i want to make this work! any suggestions??

Hi everyone,
I think it's a great idea to have a marriage thread as long term relationships are hard at the best of times - even if you don't struggle with communication, intimacy, socialising, reading body language etc etc etc - all the things Aspies have a difficult time with.

I am having a particularly hard time at the moment as my relationship of 18 years has broken down. There have been numerous ups and downs like most marriages but we always seemed to overcome them. 2013 was a tough year for me as I began to realise that many of my problems seemed to be connected to AS. It was a difficult realisation and I received a formal DX in December 2013. What I didn't realise was how this would affect my NT husband and our relationship.

Though the diagnosis shed light on the reasons behind much of my behaviour and I was starting to understand myself a lot more - reading everything I could get my hands on about women and AS, he seemed reluctant to. A few months ago I started to notice him withdrawing though I didn't really notice - only looking back now can I see the signs. Then three months ago when it got so noticeable that even I knew something was wrong, he told me the relationship was over and that he had started seeing someone else.

I can't describe the pain, betrayal, confusion and anger I felt and still feel. What is really painful though is that when I asked him if it was anything to do with my AS, he said in part yes.

I am having such a tough time. I can't understand why pre DX we could overcome our problems, yet post DX it was easier to end it. I haven't fundamentally changed - in fact becoming aware of my AS has allowed me to look at ways of modifying my behaviours as I'm more aware of triggers etc.

We are now starting talking to lawyers and I am out of my depth. I have all these choices in front of me and I don't know what to do. Do I disclose to a lawyer that I have AS? I am so hurt and confused. I have a hard time making decisions at the best of times now it feels impossible.

So sorry to hear this, Mancunia.

It is possible that he read somewhere that the DX means different wiring and no hope of any change, and he just gave up. It's a shame he could not have shared the anxieties and other feelings he was having around this as he was going through them, but that is also indicative that communication was not great.

I hope you feel better soon and develop the kind of supportive emotional life you need and deserve.

I have been married now for about a quarter century and have been living with my beloved for about three decades (we didn't rush in or anything!) Keeping related has been constant work. It may be that my analytical mind and perceptive difficulties were helpful in some way because when I felt that something was wrong I always insisted that we talk it out--because I just didn't get it otherwise.

Hi Mancunia - that must have been quite a shock.

Unfortunately, I can totally see where he's coming from. There have probably been relationship issues for a long time, as there have been with my husband. Discovering the AS gives me relief in some ways, but in other ways it cements the fact that things will never get ENOUGH better. Maybe if we'd both been aware at the beginning of the marriage - but maybe not. The AS diagnosis killed any hope I'd ever had of having a decent sex life with him (sensitivity issues) and for me that's a deal breaker - because I need it for emotional intimacy which eroded during the hard times of our marriage. I can't rebuild that bond without it and he can't provide it. My self-esteem, etc has also eroded to the point where I can't handle Aspi like communication anymore nor can I tolerate a life that's about HIS special interests as opposed to family interests. Knowing about AS sort of seals the fate of the marriage.

Sorry for your troubles.

We had been married for 13 years with no major issues when i went for diagnosis. My wife was encouraging and supportive and nothing has changed since. I think that she knew what i was like more than i did and the diagnosis didnt come as much of a shock to her. Since then things have continued much as before diagnosis. Maybe I am lucky, but i figure that if things in the relationship are good, they are good regardless of whether i have an AS label or not..

When AS was causing problems in my marriage, I had never heard of AS or have anything resembling a resource like this forum. I knew I was different but did not understand really why. On occasions my wife, a special education teacher expressed that I was "mildly ret*d," "brain damaged," "emotionally crippled."

The resentment from all this led me to becoming a Strip Clubber and advancing to a high level as a hobbyist.

I found out about AS very late in life and it at least gave me an understanding as to the exclusion I suffered in HS and to a certain extent in college. I wish I had known about it during those years then at least I would known what I was up against. I found out about AS when I put the words "socially handicapped" into a search engine about ten years ago.