does anyone else with a.s. feel that life has been a waste?

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GiantHockeyFan
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17 Oct 2019, 10:06 am

Fnord wrote:
Not so much a waste as it has been a struggle. Had I been born N.T., I would likely have quickly learned intuitively how to socialize and be part of the "in crowd" instead of having to learn how to socialize by guesswork or trial-and-error (mostly error). I would likely have experienced less bullying, more encouragement, fewer rejections, and less loneliness.

What bothers me the most is knowing that if I were NT, I would have all the 'ingredients' to be wildly successful in my professional life. Unfortunately, I was never in the "in crowd", employment opportunities continue to pass me by and at my age it's very difficult to suddenly become "in" and my skills and knowledge are rarely taken seriously. How many times my ideas got laughed at and a year or two later when presented by the 'inner circle' they were suddenly brilliant and immediately implemented.

Reminds me of a former coworker's husband who was a brilliant scientist and chemist. He was unemployed for a long time until he finally got a job.... at McDonalds. I now realize in hindsight that he is an Aspie too and that's why that coworker liked me so much. He did eventually get a great job but I wonder if it wasn't for the fact that chemistry labs are in general an Aspie-friendly environment would he still be at the McD's.



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17 Oct 2019, 10:09 am

I'm almost 41 years old, but judging from my life experiences, accomplishments and knowledge/wisdom, you might as well omit the forty


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FletcherArrow
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27 Oct 2019, 12:15 pm

shoshanna.f wrote:
I am 51 years old . I spent the first 41 years of my life not knowing what this was. I never made any friends. I hardly drive, I have never had a decent job due to the fear of people/groups and the sensory integration (not being able to recognize where I am, driving on the wrong side of the road and many other weird things). My sensory problems are severe (my occupational therapist said. I was so messed up I didn't know truth from fiction. Having this condition,without a diagnosis is scary.
Looking back, my life has been a long series of mistakes and failures. I didn't (or couldn't) graduate. I really wanted to go to college but couldn't. I am not married any longer. I never felt connected to my ex husband at all, like he was a stranger. I don't feel connected to the dog. I won't touch him. I don't like to be touched. Here's a bad one: I don't even feel connected to my kids at times. I can't hug them or tell them that I love them as they get older. when my mom and dad divorced and my dad moved out, I didn't feel comfortable around him anymore as he wasn't a live in family member. I didn't see him for 24 consecutive years at one point. This condition feels like a moral deficiency. I feel like a bad person.I feel very guilty for the way that I am.
When I walk around the lake that I go to and see normal, successful people, especially ones my age I feel like my like was a waste. I feel like I missed out on so many things and gave so little to my loved ones. I hate being this way.


Yeah, well you are not alone. I have never been happy working for a corporation or for anyone else.

You are not alone. Maybe, those of us on this thread who feel and think the same way you do are your only friends in the whole universe.



James_Ladrang
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27 Oct 2019, 12:55 pm

It's difficult to ponder how much of life is a waste.
Diagnosed at the at of 58, I can be certain that for most of my life, I have not met my full potential because I was living a lie. For 58 years I was not my own self - I was what I thought other people, NT people, said I should be. OK, I was naive, I never realised they were try to mould me into an NT person. Ha!
That said, since then I have tried to find how to turn my quirks to advantage. Not easy. Probably only partially successful. And I try really hard not to dwell on the past waste as I can't do anything about it, unfortunately.



FletcherArrow
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27 Oct 2019, 4:42 pm

James_Ladrang wrote:
It's difficult to ponder how much of life is a waste.
Diagnosed at the at of 58, I can be certain that for most of my life, I have not met my full potential because I was living a lie. For 58 years I was not my own self - I was what I thought other people, NT people, said I should be. OK, I was naive, I never realised they were try to mould me into an NT person. Ha!
That said, since then I have tried to find how to turn my quirks to advantage. Not easy. Probably only partially successful. And I try really hard not to dwell on the past waste as I can't do anything about it, unfortunately.



You are not alone..... We are the sage age (approximately) and have that same issue....you are not alone



GunsAndRoses
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28 Oct 2019, 4:29 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
What bothers me the most is knowing that if I were NT, I would have all the 'ingredients' to be wildly successful in my professional life.


Yes, very much this. I had a belief that if I just got good grades and worked (somewhat) hard everything would be Ok. I underestimated gravely how much of a part that social interaction and hierarchies play.

The difficulty is also ignoring it, as it by now should be Ok for me to just make it on my own with my own company - but for some reason I want to make it in the "real world" and get appreciation by peers. Quite an impossible equation as I really should understand by now.



2cat007
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16 Nov 2019, 12:55 am

I'm 22 years old and I kind of feel that way right now.



Yakuzamonroe
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20 Nov 2019, 2:47 pm

shoshanna.f wrote:
I am 51 years old . I spent the first 41 years of my life not knowing what this was. I never made any friends. I hardly drive, I have never had a decent job due to the fear of people/groups and the sensory integration (not being able to recognize where I am, driving on the wrong side of the road and many other weird things). My sensory problems are severe (my occupational therapist said. I was so messed up I didn't know truth from fiction. Having this condition,without a diagnosis is scary.
Looking back, my life has been a long series of mistakes and failures. I didn't (or couldn't) graduate. I really wanted to go to college but couldn't. I am not married any longer. I never felt connected to my ex husband at all, like he was a stranger. I don't feel connected to the dog. I won't touch him. I don't like to be touched. Here's a bad one: I don't even feel connected to my kids at times. I can't hug them or tell them that I love them as they get older. when my mom and dad divorced and my dad moved out, I didn't feel comfortable around him anymore as he wasn't a live in family member. I didn't see him for 24 consecutive years at one point. This condition feels like a moral deficiency. I feel like a bad person.I feel very guilty for the way that I am.
When I walk around the lake that I go to and see normal, successful people, especially ones my age I feel like my like was a waste. I feel like I missed out on so many things and gave so little to my loved ones. I hate being this way.


Being in my mid-30's now, I've had this same feeling of wasting my life ... Well, "wasting" is a word I've tended to stop using since living one's own life is a subjective experience. Today, I've realized, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, that most would see me as truly unexceptional, an understanding that often leaves me feeling quite depressed.
I'm PARTIALLY the cause for this as I've spent most of my life alone with maybe 1 or 2 years where I made an effort to connect with people but, following 2013 - 2014, I hadn't made a notable effort in increasing my friendships or even solidifying the ones I've already made.

It's my nature, I suppose, to be alone but there are too many times "loneliness" haunts me and I feel like my life was simply wasted mainly because I was taught, indoctrinated if I feel really honest, to believe peer perception and "being exceptional" in the eyes of others should dictate worth. Sadly, in a sense, this was, for me, WRONG and it took me taking in a large number of fairweather friends to realize how unfulfilling that can be. You can't get any value out of loose "friendships" and I'm realizing the close friends I have now are what I need ... and I don't need to satisfy the perspectives or egos of others in order to live a good life. So whoops on me during the early 2010 - 2012.

I'm gradually getting better about forming and arranging a new and healthier view of the world. Right now, I'm fighting this feeling of mediocrity, of being truly unexceptional, and have been for a majority of my life and gets to me. I have no career as of yet, no real noteworthy events anyone can pat me on the back for and A TON of embarrassing moments that have now become core memories that worsen days of depression like this. And, the worst part is, I know, intellectually, I have no reason to feel bad about getting out there and trying, and "failing", and trying, and "failing" again. But, like yourself, and many people in this forum have said, this is a normal, human feeling.

And, like yourself, I think it would best serve me to realize, "waste" is a matter of perspective ... and I'm getting tired of taking on outside perspectives to dictate who I am, or my worth, as a person.



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20 Nov 2019, 3:28 pm

where do i begin? all my life i've felt [and have been told by other family members] that there was no rhyme nor reason to my existence, that i just stumble from situation to situation with no forethought or design. "free will" is the most abstract of concepts for me, with no real-world function in my life so far. took me most of my life to realize the definition of common sense was all the stuff one has to know in order to make their way in the world effectively. despite all this, i have finally, haphazardly learned some useful things which are of spiritual benefit and incidental worldly benefit. more the former than the latter.



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27 Nov 2019, 9:54 pm

yes. i don't think it was preventable and a lot of it was imposed on me but i know i would have failed anyway.

the judge said, "my heart breaks for you... you were set up for failure." but in reality what i was given ('set up for') was many steps above where i would have been without...

the learning experiences (negative experiences, reframed) also expanded my mind to where im more aware and better at things i couldnt comprehend before...
then again
i do believe in a next life, and all.

in that regard, i can say that much of the struggle will not have been a waste.

in fact may elevate my merit--my struggles with AS will double or triple the reward of my efforts compared to if i didn't have AS-related and anxiety/depression-related issues.

also if my severe disabled kid decides i'm his fave person (unlikely, as he loves so many people), i get to go with him to heaven anyway. he is basically the comfort of my heart, his existence brings me actual fulfilment.

that's all irrelevant stuff to those who don't share these beliefs (which is the majority here) but must mention, as the question can't be thoroughly answered without that.


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justmike
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28 Nov 2019, 12:13 am

I'm 54. I always knew I was a little "off" but I have a good job, married with three kids so maybe it's not a big deal if I have no real friends, find myself living in my own little world sometimes and want as little to do with the outside world as I can get away with.

This drives my extroverted wife nuts to the point that she's considering divorce. During a counseling session the counselor took my wife's description of my actions, added in that I never looked her in the eye, and suggested I may have autism. Judging from the info on Autism Speaks and looking back on my childhood, I'm pretty sure I do.

Now I wonder what my life would have been like if I had known sooner. Back in the '70s and '80s kids like me were "shy" or "awkward" and were told that we'd "come out of our shell" when we were ready.



auntblabby
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28 Nov 2019, 1:25 am

^^^welcome to WP, Mike :)



funeralxempire
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28 Nov 2019, 1:36 am

My whole life has been wasted;
that's why I've spent my whole life wasted. :hic:



auntblabby
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28 Nov 2019, 1:38 am

i wish my body would let me get blotto :hic: :drunken: :colors:



funeralxempire
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28 Nov 2019, 1:41 am

auntblabby wrote:
i wish my body would let me get blotto :hic: :drunken: :colors:




You and Otto Mann both.