Just a man under deep cover wanting in from the cold...

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All,

I am 45 years old now. I did not talk until I was 5, and I was placed in a school for learning disabled for K and 1. According to my parents, the diagnosis I was given was "autism". However, I rapidly gained ground once I completed K and 1 and was mainstreamed.

My family was also quite dysfunctional. My father was bipolar and a child and wife beater. My mother was addicted to prescription painkillers. My sister was also bipolar and became an alcoholic. Both my sister and my mother eventually suicided.

I was also beaten up by the same group of kids until the end of grade school, where I was lucky enough to get a grade skip from the end of 6th to the beginning of 9th grade. After that I was no longer beaten up, but I was ostracised anyway by the entire student body.

College was okay, but again I was pretty much left alone. I found my first love as a 19 year old college senior and later lost her. I got my master's, tried for a doctorate and washed out due to becoming nearly suicidal from loneliness.

I entered the work force and basically stumbled through life, never quite reaching full potential and never quite finding acceptance anywhere, moving from one area of the country to another every few years, trying to find either a workplace or a girl who I didn't have to fake being normal around. I had loved and lost several times over the course of my life.

In 1999 I found an effective medication for my clinical depression. I then found work at a Fortune 500 and did amazingly well there. I actually was lucky enough to find a lady who didn't care about the problems I had so long as I was a basically clean and decent person. She and I even had a baby girl together. We're still happily married, thank God.

Company culture was excellent until a takeover happened that squeezed all kindness and compassion out of the workplace. I took a buyout offer and switched job roles with my wife: she would work as a school teacher and I would make house and care for my daughter until she was ready to stark kindergarten.

During the last year I had tried to find work, but had not gotten past the phone or in-person interviews for some reason I found hard to discern, because I did so well technically and did my best to be friendly and open. The usual response I got was: "We have a gut feel you wouldn't fit in with our team."

I never for a moment suspected that the autism I was diagnosed with as a child would have any bearing on my inability to get hired anywhere. I figured that between my family upbringing, my inherited depression, and the constant loss of life chances for success, I was simply a neurotic neurotypical. But researching under Wikipedia it turns out that almost any autistic functioning at such a high level that he could pass for a such, would actually be a candidate for a diagnosis of Asperger's.

As I said, I hold a Master's degree in computer science with upwards of 12 years of work
experience. I've had gaps between my jobs due to flareups of depression that would take as
long as two years. If it weren't for my wife and child I would have lost the will to live long ago. As it is there are still a few times in the year I wish I had never been born, and at my lowest
points in my life were times I simply prayed to God and begged Him for a swift and painless death.
I suffer, I live, I love, and someday I hope to work again. I guess that about sums up human existence.

At any rate, I have just received an acceptance letter to start a Ph.D program in computer science. I applied to the program because I concluded that after a year of trying I was not able to find gainful employment in my chosen field, software engineering. I'm hoping to get an assistantship, but that's unlikely.

So now I'm a homemaker who is simply taking a course at a time to prevent going insane from boredom. I'll wash dishes if I have to. However, It would help a lot if I could find any scholarship or fellowship for someone in my condition.

There are a lot of skills and drive that I can offer. All I really need is a hand up, not a handout.
From what I understand, Wrong Planet just bought out some other organization for $80M.
If people in Wrong Planet would be willing to pass the hat for tuition, I would be most grateful. I would even be willing to pay it back in the form of service.

Opinions?

The Eternal Squire

Hi Eternal Squire, Welcome to WP

Welcome to WP

Sorry, but it was an April Fools joke. It got me first time I came here too. As far as I know Wrong Planet is non-profit.

Aw, shucks. Well, would it still be terribly inappropriate to make on appeal
on this thread?

*hugs eternalsquire*

welcome

I don't think there's any rules against it. I can't help you myself though, sorry.

oh, no! oh, gawd, don't see this as just one more kick in the face, dear eternal squire!
hang in there, I am older than you and am going through life much as yourself. As for your appeal, I think you have just made it.

Merle

Hello!

Would love to be able to help but unfortunately, like a lot of AS, I have no job, and no spare money.

As you will see described in a lot of threads, an awful lot of us have also had rocky/bumpy rides in the workplace, if we even got into it in the first place.

Welcome to wp,and good luck with the courses.

Last edited by ouinon on 24 Apr 2008, 4:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome, squire!

I was touched by your story, and I just want to say I wish you the best, and you have my respect and congratulations for hanging in there and keeping on despite setbacks and painful life experiences.

I have heard many reports form other people saying that corporate culture has become increasingly cold and even psychologically abusive toward workers, so you are not alone in feeling alienated by your past employer and not accepted by prospective employers. Sadly, a year of job hunting without finding a position is not uncommon in today's climate. Since you have real skills, I would keep trying. Maybe shift your focus to smaller companies where they may be more interested in your job competence than whether you "fit in."

I also recommend the book Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robison. He is someone with AS who talks about being unable to fit in with corporate culture, among other things. It's his life story and it's a really good read.

I'm trying too get employment in the field of software engineering too. I kept being unsuccessful in job applications, and recently a recruiter gave me the following advice: he suggested I develop some software and publish it on the Internet. It's a good idea to make it available for free at first, so that potential customers start to know you. Once you become known, you can develop some more software and start charging for it.

And I may very well do that. Ideas?

The Eternal Squire

Hi, wecome to WP.

What did you do your masters study in? I would suggest working on something in that area or in a particular area of interest.

You might also look for something on the net that interests you and that you think you can do a better job on. Or you could contribute to a project at sourceforge.

Doing what I am interested is a fast path to nowhere. What I want to know
is what real people would actually want. That's what sells.

The Eternal Squire