Sex without love

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Now I know I'm going to get flamed for the idea of complaining that about sexual experiences but here goes it anyway. I'm not a male whore but I've had my fair run around the block (more then I'd like to really) but one thing that has been missing from the equation has been really loving my partner. Thats not to say I didn't care for my exs but they all have been lacking in the reciprocation department (or maybe its just I never really seen it it stands to question).

In the end its almost like being used to a certain degree so it almost invalidates the experience. Theres always been the situation that I love them but its not honestly back in the way that I wanted it. Womenwould get almost absorbed in the mystique of a guy who really doesn't elaborate on his past (I don't elaborate unless asked specific questions). Good looking and intelligent but distanced in the end its very hard to be open enough to see that middle ground which wold keep a relationship intense. Its a balancing act it seems where I have to balance how much I invest and how much I keep to myself so as to not seem needy or overly emotional.

This could be due to my views of a relationship being that one person that is there for you. I never trust in my family enough to let them in that deep. I have a natural distrust of people and I'm comfortable being a hermit without normal social interaction at the same time theres a certain fantasy of having that one woman who I can toss away the constrains of normal socializing and not worry about having to keep up to a certain disguise (for lack of a better word).

From that assumption I just think making love to a woman where both feelings were there would make for a simply astounding experience. I guess in general that would make the whole relationship a certain magical thing. I guess in the end it makes me a hopeless romantic but I wanted to see what other people's thoughts or comments on this would be,

...might be better than nothing .

maybe but I don't know I think I would perfer sex with those emotions behind it then all the sex I've had that there was something emotionally lacking.

I definitely prefer sex with that sort of connection behind it. However, someone worthy of, and willing to put in the time needed to create that sort of connection does not come along very often. I am quite happy to make due with sex without it, so long as it is with a person that is interesting enough for me to want to talk to.

Also, I can relate to being that mysterious, intellegent, does-not-talk-about-his-past guy... it works well for attracting women, but makes the transition to a long-term relationship difficult.

Yea thats true in the case of women's attraction you have to look at the fantasy aspect to it. Women in numerous tales involving people with secret lives or supernatural identities seem to have the m.o. of a guy whos mysterious, doesn't talk about himself that much, possibly socially inept to a degree. As an example the main character in the Twilight movie.

I don't think I'd be able to sleep with someone who I didn't have that connection with.

I know nobody wants to hear it but my philosophy about sex and love si that you'll never find either unless you're willing to go out there and have a lot of sex with a lot of different people until just the right combination comes along, and he or she will, eventually but sometimes it takes a long time. The biggest potential for messing it up is if you let somebody go and only later that they were the partner you should have held onto.
It's extremely complicated but otherwise it would be boring, like an arranged marriage or something.

I could and still cannot imagine taking my clothes off for somebody I am not deeply connected with on a spiritual level. To me, a deep abiding love and desire to have children with that person are the only things that would make me want to have sex with someone. There has only been one person on this whole earth that I have felt that way about, and he is still my husband today, after 27 years. Our attraction to each other was "love at first sight". We both saw something very familiar in each other. Now we know that we both have Asperger's. I do believe that people on the spectrum can recognize it in others and are attracted to it. At least in our case, that is how it worked out.

I do believe that love comes first, then sex. Sex is like a fine wine then. Sex without love is like Ripple. hahaha And it's all about self respect, too. At least for me. Here is how it was explained to me by a friend:

If you have a beautiful, solid gold chalice encrusted with emeralds, rubies and other gorgeous gems, would you drink Coca Cola out of it? I think not! You would be treating something very precious and unique in a very common way. Your body and spirit are so much more precious than any worldly object---even that gold chalice.

Sex with love really is a joining of souls. Find love. Then sex. It's beautiful then, not just a momentary pleasure.

That's my two cents, anyway. Something I feel strongly about. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

That sounds great, Im very pleased for you

I think I will remain alone however as I seem to be missing the essential judgement needed to tell if someone likes me and seem to be only drawn to people who either dont like me at all or enjoy being cruel.

I must need to learn patience

I am the same way. When I meet people, I am drawn to the bad ones. I always think the good people are jerks. It takes me awhile until I find out that my "radar" was whacky. I was suspicious of my husband when I first met him, too. I fell in love with a liar once and didn't want it to happen again. I made sure to meet his family and see what they are like and what kind of people they are. That is all important. Once I met his family, I knew it was safe for me to relax and love him with all my heart. You can probably tell that I am a pure romantic. That is a problem for me because I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is easy for predatory personalities to see it and take advantage. I have always been suspicious of people for that reason.

your mistaking no connection with a lack of connection. If theres no connection (ie random hook up) I wouldn't either but its more the issue of where do you draw the line as to are they attached enough or is it just more of an act appealing to primal urges and trying to establish something thats not there. In the end how do you commit to the act with the faith that they are "worth" that kind of attention and are as connected into it as you are. I don't know if I explained that right but I don't know I just feel that between my exs and what not it just wasn't there enough to reach an certain exaltion of experience.

Who is forcing you to have all this sex if it's not what you want? At one time you might have been a male whore, but you seem to have had a crisis of conscience, which is a very good thing.

noone quite frankly a male whore would be if I had random hook ups which I don't. All of my sexual encounters with women were in a relationship excluding the first time I had a threesome (something I experimented with on an exs request). I'm not using women in that case what I do find troublesome is where do you draw the line as to when to have sex. All my exs wanted it and they are quite satisfied with it, all my exs if given the chance would be back with me. My problem is I don't want to waste the important act on people that are not worth it but if you look at it objectively it is always a leap of faith.

As such I have never had an encounter where we were both deeply emotionally connected and the current standard with women dissallows it. For instance if you are overly affectionte you come across as needy or emotionally insecure if you hold back you don't give the relationship room to grow and it reaches a certain roadblock where it can't progress. Furthermore what really seems to attract women at my age is holding back emotionally. Its the difference between the reality of relationships and the fantasy of relationships which is made harder I must say by movies like Twilight and similar stories where the man holds back.

The problem is your assuming that women and men have different goals and as they become older they do but in general alot of women are similar to men in the way that they want sex to achieve a deeper connection but do not understand that by doing it in the wrong order almost invalidates the experience. If we follow your advice of "oh just then don't have sex" it would just lead to a premature ending of the relationship due to the fact that to certain women its noted as progress. Where I as a guy am looking for a more emotionally connecting relationship which involves learning about eachother in all facets women want an emotional connection which if given too strongly deters them thats fine but in the end the ways they go about looking for that connection are wrong.

I could give countless examples but I think thats better saved for if needed. In the end though your misunderstanding the whole point of the article. Simply becoming celibate (and yes I've done it before) doesn't take care of the problem. The fundamental problem lies in the expectations for a relationship in my age group.

I didn't mean to suggest that celibacy is the simple solution or easy answer. I'm sorry if I did. I would recommend that you get some professional help with this, some counselling or something.

I am not a guy who's had a lot of sex. I kind of envy you. But I also understand what you mean about simple libido vs. emotional connection. In the one relationship I've had so far, I was able to find deep spiritual/emotional connection and also have some really good sex. Lucky for me.

the problem with celibacy is simple it denotes a lack of progress which in alot of women who are emotionally insecure start panicing. The first time I did the celibacy thing I had a long talk with my partner explaining that it was an issue with me that I'm not really getting the full effect out of sex that I feel I should. its nothing to do with her its just me not in it.

After that despite our conversation where she supposedly understood she went into "he's cheating on me mode" scrambling through my emails, my prepaid cell, trying to talk to my mother asking if there had been other girls at the house. In the end despite me talking to her about every situation and trying to be more transparent then I am usually she started more stress then she was worth so I let her go. The lack of progress made her assume I was getting something somehwere else.

Furthermore even those girls who claim they didn't want sex (I'm not impling that all girls want sex but this is just an experience) they usually have conflicting views. I got with a woman for a short period and she said oh btw sex is not an option with me and I was like thats cool. So in the end she would try to turn me on sexually every night and I would not protest but be like um I thought we weren't going into that.

Later she claimed (cause she was in school upstate and supposed to come down in a few weeks) she was going to use a viberator on the phone. I wasn't really into the whole thing so I didn't call her that night. So then she called me upset I never called her and then kept promoting like I missed out that she just had to do it alone and such stuff. Later she wanted me to come visit her upstate so I looked at the pricing for everything and was talking to her and then she said "and you'll have to get a hotel" I asked is that really nesscary because that would make the trip for 4 days over $200 when she was supposed to come home in 2 weeks.

She said where did you think you would sleep I said well you had previously said I was going to sleep in the dorm with you in a separate room. She acted suprised and kept saying no I can't trust a man in my dorm etc etc and then insisted I wanted sex. I got angry at the insutition due to the fact that shes been the more sexually aggressive member of the relationship. So then I said yanno I just think this is becoming more stress then it really needs to be maybe we should just be friends. In the end she turned around talking bout her friend with HFA and she isn't an a**hole like I am etc etc. I just stopped talking to her as she kept sending emails about how she got with a guy with asperger's and he was the greatest thing.

In the end though I didn't even want the sex and they automatically feel if your not trying it denotes a lack of progress which must mean a problem. It gets a little crazy in that way and then leads to alot of break ups. Thats my problem with celibacy.

if thats true I envy you more....