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janelet
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10 Jul 2009, 6:17 am

I have fallen in love with a man who is not my husband.

He is the sweetest, kindest gentlest man I have ever met.

He has AS

I hugged him and kissed him yesterday and he says he wants more. He knows I am married. He deserves a propper relationship which I cannot offer.

I know the answer to this question in my head but I am being swayed by my heart. Everyone I can think of would say this is a bad idea on numerous levels

Am I taking advantage of this man? Is there any way I can justify going further without breaking up my family?


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sinsboldly
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10 Jul 2009, 8:39 am

janelet wrote:
I have fallen in love with a man who is not my husband.

He is the sweetest, kindest gentlest man I have ever met.

He has AS

I hugged him and kissed him yesterday and he says he wants more. He knows I am married. He deserves a propper relationship which I cannot offer.

I know the answer to this question in my head but I am being swayed by my heart. Everyone I can think of would say this is a bad idea on numerous levels

Am I taking advantage of this man? Is there any way I can justify going further without breaking up my family?


You are in love with feeling desired by a man. It may have little to do with that man, at all. You are fascinated with your physical affect on this man other than your husband, but will not satisfy his excitement with you, nor are you honoring your marriage vows ( I suppose you dont' have an 'open' marriage, or it would not be a problem, so I assume your marrige vows still apply).

I don't envy you not being able to deny the feelings of your heart, but having lived through what you are doing, I will tell you that the sensations you will have if you continue are not worth the sensations you will have later if you continue, if you get what I am saying.

my two cents,
Merle


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puzzle62
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10 Jul 2009, 1:19 pm

Don't do it!! Plain and simple, It won't ever be easy to go back if this doesn't work out. Your family, especially if you have children, doesn't deserve this, they expect you to honor your vows. just as you expect others to honor theirs! If there are no children ,then think it over seriously and talk about it with your husband, maybe he wants out too. Just be very careful and remember what ever you choose stays with you for a lifetime.



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10 Jul 2009, 1:53 pm

Just pause and think. Balance your options. What do you have to lose and what to gain.

Deceiving someone is never a good option. So please don't. Either leave your current spouse in favor of the new one or the vice versa. Playing around both is like playing with fire. You'll end up burning yourself and perhaps some others who were innocent to start with.

It is sometimes hard to make a decision, but this is the point where you MUST make one. Please be honest to all concerned.


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janelet
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10 Jul 2009, 1:55 pm

Thanks you guys.

I know what you say is true. I just wanted someone to tell me without asking my friends as they would be outraged at my feelings. I am too.

I appreciate you taking the time to pass on you advice.

Cheers

x



DavidF
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11 Jul 2009, 1:22 am

Given your last post, my comment may be irrelevant as you may not be back.

You say that you've fallen in love with a man who isn't your husband. The fact that he has AS is somewhat irrelevant. I'd like to know how long you have felt this way about him and whether he'd declared himself before you hugged and kissed him.

Also, have you discussed with him what more he wants from you? Does he indeed want a 'proper relationship' (or is that just your interpretation)?

Why are you outraged by your feelings? Did you just want confirmation that you were doing the 'right thing' by not proceeding further?

My opinion is that you should follow your heart (for a while at least). I know this flys in the face of the other advice you've received here but then I'm a bit different in the way I think. Just be sure that he understands from the start that it may not be permanent.



peterd
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11 Jul 2009, 1:32 am

Anyway, the miserable soandso has aspergers. Life with him wouldn't be as good as it looks like it might from here.



janelet
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11 Jul 2009, 5:11 am

Thanks for these ideas, the more the merrier!

Most of the responses say NO! which is not what I wanted to hear but what I know to be the Right Thing to do. I don't want to live with this man, I just want to make him happy and if he wants more than hugs, then so do I. But I realise I would be playing with fire. I love my family too and don't want to lose that. I am just greedy I s'pose :)

I think I could just be in love with the idea that he wants me but I think that is how the love I have for my husband began too.

I hugged him first. I don't think he would have instigated anything because he knew my situation. he always gives me compliments and is just the sweetest of men. I havent known him long, a few months, we just chat a little each time. I thought he was charming and funny. Last week he invited me to his home. I can't get him out of my head!

I will see him on Tuesday and be as honest as I can be. I would definitely be the Bad Person if I do what I want to do. Thanks for being here to 'talk' to, it feels a releif to share my story. I will try to be good.



sinsboldly
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12 Jul 2009, 3:23 pm

janelet wrote:
Thanks for these ideas, the more the merrier!

Most of the responses say NO! which is not what I wanted to hear but what I know to be the Right Thing to do. I don't want to live with this man, I just want to make him happy and if he wants more than hugs, then so do I. But I realise I would be playing with fire. I love my family too and don't want to lose that. I am just greedy I s'pose :)

I think I could just be in love with the idea that he wants me but I think that is how the love I have for my husband began too.

I hugged him first. I don't think he would have instigated anything because he knew my situation. he always gives me compliments and is just the sweetest of men. I havent known him long, a few months, we just chat a little each time. I thought he was charming and funny. Last week he invited me to his home. I can't get him out of my head!

I will see him on Tuesday and be as honest as I can be. I would definitely be the Bad Person if I do what I want to do. Thanks for being here to 'talk' to, it feels a releif to share my story. I will try to be good.


http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

there might be a place you have not yet found in your little chats, perhaps someplace he doesn't even know about, sometimes we Aspies have uneven emotional depths. sometimes emotional depth sorta shelves out to the shallow end and sometimes we are descending the Mariana trench. Since we have rarely had the opportunity to explore our emotional 'ocean' we rarely know before hand and able to warn others of our propensities.
When I get into an emotional relationship I suppose I can meet my significant other depth for depth, but without me knowing how I respond to others needs, I might not be there when you need me most. There is no maliciousness that involves withholding, it is just sometimes non-existent and very confusing for us, too. Just some thing to remember in Aspies.

Merle


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the_wife
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12 Jul 2009, 7:19 pm

janelet wrote:
Most of the responses say NO! which is not what I wanted to hear but what I know to be the Right Thing to do.


I'd bet that you already knew this.

Thing is, a lot of people - AS, NT, whatever (someone said it's irrelevant here, which I guess it is except this is a site dealing with AS...) have been in similar predicaments. We want justification for doing what, deep down, we know is wrong. Maybe if enough people tell me that I should "go for it" that makes it okay?

This is not a good way to begin a relationship, nor to end one. I feel that you would do better in the long run to see this as a means to focus on strengthening your bond with your husband.



poopylungstuffing
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12 Jul 2009, 7:51 pm

Look up the term 'limerance" on wikipedia...it is likely that the feelings that you are experiencing now are not going to last even though they feel like they are..and when your feelings change, you won't be able to undo the damage that has been done to your family.



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12 Jul 2009, 9:21 pm

Note : Ignoring the other posts, but more than likely you know what you want to do - you know what will happen. You know the answer already - and your going to do it anyway.

So.. more than likely your husband is a good guy and your getting a little bored - and the AS guy is either a coincidence or a well thought through lie (by him).. A feeling of mutual "shirt stains", bad hygiene, and possible mutual obsessions (each other and sex).. coupled with a few aspie-related movies/love storys have enabled these feelings. (which in real life resembled mating sea lions). You already decided to take off and elope in a vision of romance with little or no thought since the feelings feel - happy. Only to come back after its all over to a less than well groomed son who sided with the father and only comes to visit every couple weekends and a daughter who's opinion of love is "what I want, and what I can get". Which will eventually lead to her becoming a permanent back-seat "rider" in the eyes of every boy she ever meets......

All in all you have the chance to make yourself happy for a day - a year, or maybe a life time - or perhaps just push your genetic pool back a few generations until "my mommy cheated on my dad and moved to utah" works out of the family history...

The choice in yours - no one is you - no one can make your decision... and no one knows your situation (other than yourself).. And the guy who is already cheating is the man you want? (even if he's single, he doesn't respect marriage or relationships by being with you if he knows) ... So you have that to look forward to...

I believe my ex cheated on me openly. She was also my best friend - and I let it slide (dates, a few guys she spoke to.. no sex from what I knew). Its painful, and hurts - and if you do it at least be woman enough to tell him and leave him in the same breath.. And don't make him argue the fact of keeping you or not - just say "I found another guy, I like him, I'm leaving, goodbye".. Strangely enough the happiest day I had with her in a year or so was the day we broke up (partially).. After that it was the worst week in my life (a black man and a tall younger whiter guy after me)... lol.

Still care about her, just can't talk/see/or love her... if she had left sooner - we might still be friends. Or if she had not told me things that didn't match what she did.... "I'm not ready for a serious relationship".. And a month later moving in with another man - instead just be honest.

(from the guys perspective)...



Last edited by Nim on 12 Jul 2009, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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12 Jul 2009, 9:25 pm

He may be fun when he is new but we can be boring as hell after you get to know us.



sinsboldly
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12 Jul 2009, 11:25 pm

poopylungstuffing wrote:
Look up the term 'limerance" on wikipedia...it is likely that the feelings that you are experiencing now are not going to last even though they feel like they are..and when your feelings change, you won't be able to undo the damage that has been done to your family.


limerance? wow, I should have thought of that!

:wink:
Merle


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13 Jul 2009, 12:23 am

If he doesn't respect your current marriage,

why should he respect your future one.

Same goes for you, if you cheat now,

then you'll be cheating later on.

Sleep under your own skin,

not someone else's.

Consider how grateful you can be to your family



poopylungstuffing
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13 Jul 2009, 2:05 am

sinsboldly wrote:
poopylungstuffing wrote:
Look up the term 'limerance" on wikipedia...it is likely that the feelings that you are experiencing now are not going to last even though they feel like they are..and when your feelings change, you won't be able to undo the damage that has been done to your family.


limerance? wow, I should have thought of that!

:wink:
Merle


I learned about it the hard way.