Woman Refused to take Autistic, Orphaned Brother on trip
I don't think anyone should be forced to vacation with someone if they aren't comfortable.
I prefer to go on holiday alone most of the time, or just with one person.
That being said he's her BIL and she should spend more time with him in a non-vacation setting.
She could "get used to him" to alleviate her anxiety when she isn't travelling at the same time.
Another option is that her husband could vacation with him on his own, as brothers.
My SIL had Downs Syndrome. I loved her and I miss spending time with her.
We spent weeks together at our beach house.
I wouldn't have wanted her (or any other -in-law) to join me on holiday, though.
*lmao - I just realised in my husband's family I would have been the autistic -in-law.
I wonder if they didn't want to spend time with me?
I remember they got proper peeved when I wanted to read a book or sit away from the group.
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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
The 25-year-old woman, posting anonymously on Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" forum, asked the internet if she was wrong for "not wanting my husband's 17 y/o brother to come with us on our vacation." Her post from Monday has received 9,500 votes.
The woman explained that her husband's remaining parent died four months ago, and his 17-year-old brother Ryan was now living with their aunt.
"He's autistic and I kind of find it hard to interact with him and being around him generally gives me anxiety," the woman said.
Her husband proposed bringing Ryan on a vacation they had planned, hoping to "cheer him up a bit after all that he's been through." The woman said no. Her husband pointed out that they were not going on a couple's getaway, since he was fine with her bringing a friend along.
“I told him that first [off], I already stated how I can't handle Ryan's autism and also, I've never been on vacation with him and I don't know how he would behave," said the wife.
Her husband was offended, saying it was "cruel" to exclude his orphaned brother just because of slight inconveniences.
The woman said, "I told him to drop it but he lectured me about how he's the one paying for it which really irked me because I'd paid for so many things in the past."
Later, her husband's aunt called to give her a "stern talk," saying that Ryan had done nothing to deserve her rejection.
The woman said she was still arguing with her husband, adding, "My friend thinks that my husband is trying to control me by using the fact that he is the one paying to spring whoever he wants on me on the vacation."
Most of the woman's audience slammed her for refusing to invite her brother-in-law.
A comment with 29,000 votes argued, "The ableism is strong here. And your friend is enabling your BS."
"You should really sit with why your husband's little brother makes you uncomfortable and what that says about you," another user agreed. "Have you read anything about autism or put any effort into trying to get to know him? This is the family you married into, and it is heartbreaking how cold you are being because he is autistic."
However, a smaller proportion of respondents sympathized with the wife, pointing out that caring for people with autism can be a challenging burden for family members.
One supporter commented, "She's not using slurs or calling him stupid or anything. She's saying she can't deal with his symptoms and has issues of her own and that she wants a vacation that's actually a vacation for her as well."
I dont know how severe her BIL's autism is. If he cannot adapt, be flexible, be in his own, etc. I wouldn't want him to come either. I would want to enjoy the trip without having to work around his autism and be limited. Even as a patent I would never subject other people to this if my kid was this severe. My mom didn't let me go on thr honor roll trip in the year 2000 because my anxiety was so bad then, it would have burdened other kids amd my mom didn't want them to be subjected to my issues.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
Also the AITA sub is full of fake stories and I notice that the comments will label people who can't read social cues as bad. I think this is another story where people are auromatic ableists for nit wanting soneone to come because of their disability. To me this isn't black and white, it depends on their disability and how severe it is. If their autism is so severe they have meltdowns, needs things to evolve around them, etc. They shouldn't be going on a trip but they can with their loved ones who want to take them. In this scenario, the aunt can take her nephew on their very own trip, problem solved. It's easier to tell the kid he wouldn't enjoy the trip and list the reasons why. I even refuse to go on trips if it's too spontaneous because I don't want to deal with anxiety and put the burden on others. I would feel guilty too and selfish for not trying harder and I'm mild.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
We still haven't established the level of care/attention the brother needs so it's all speculation.
Judging from the woman's refusal to entertain the brother I suspect he may be a handful.
Most people with downs or Williams syndrome have quite a pleasant disposition and are easy to accommodate on a holiday.
Yeah ironic isn't it. I think it's NTs virtue signaling and trying so hard to be woke about autism.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
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My sister would probably refuse to take me on a trip with her and her friends. Why? Because I'm too different. Would I take it to heart? Not really. There are many things I can do with my sister. I don't think that someone who likes the 40s would mesh too well with people who are up to the minute in regards to popular culture.
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Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?
Except SHE didn't. she's not paying for the trip. And she hasn't been asked to care-give for the brother either.
Use your imagination. If she feels anxious around the brother-in-laws behaviour in their house, imagine how she will feel when he is with her/husband in a plane, taxi, hotel or tourist spot in a foreign land on a 24hr basis? what id she and her friend want to go out with her husband late night to a restaraunt, club or bar? he may not be allowed in. I have no doubt it will ruin her holiday
Again I don't necessarily support her attitude, but I she has a right to express her feelings. Ultimately she will need to sort this out with her husband and come to some type of agreement,
Except SHE didn't. she's not paying for the trip. And she hasn't been asked to care-give for the brother either.
Use your imagination. If she feels anxious around the brother-in-laws behaviour in their house, imagine how she will feel when he is with her/husband in a plane, taxi, hotel or tourist spot in a foreign land on a 24hr basis? what id she and her friend want to go out with her husband late night to a restaraunt, club or bar? he may not be allowed in. I have no doubt it will ruin her holiday
Again I don't necessarily support her attitude, but I she has a right to express her feelings. Ultimately she will need to sort this out with her husband and come to some type of agreement,
No one says, she's not alloewd to express her feelings (she's been quite clear and expressive already. As for me using my imagination to justify her behavior, I don't need to. I just don't agree with her position.
The rest of you post seems to deal in a hypothetical narrative that you've created. so I am not going to argue about any of that.
So it's OK for autistic people to be excluded from a holiday because we're different. If the husband wanted his brother to come then he can be his supporter throughout the holiday. Why should the brother stay at home all the time just because he has autism?
If that were an Aspie who didn't want a person with, say, dementia to come because of their challenged behaviours then the Aspie would be shamed (by other Aspies here) for being selfish and not using our imagination.
But because it's an NT not wanting an autistic person around on holiday, it's fine, she has a right to make him miss out on everything.
I wish I were NT then I can say and feel however I want and still be praised for it.
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Female
If that were an Aspie who didn't want a person with, say, dementia to come because of their challenged behaviours then the Aspie would be shamed (by other Aspies here) for being selfish and not using our imagination.
But because it's an NT not wanting an autistic person around on holiday, it's fine, she has a right to make him miss out on everything.
I wish I were NT then I can say and feel however I want and still be praised for it.
That's a horrible way for that woman to treat her brother. Why doesn't she ask him how he feels? Oh yeah, she doesn't think he has any feelings.
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Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?
I have to wonder if the older brother's motivation for getting married had anything to do with providing a "mother-figure" to act as an involuntary caregiver for the orphaned brother. I mean, she does not have to comply to the older brother's wishes in this matter, yet he seems to be trying the old "guilt-trip" to leverage her decision in his favor.
I am on the wife's side.
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