support autistics but NOT the groups the parents belong to?

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I feel like I am in a complete bind nowadays. In an effort to find friends for my kiddo, I became somewhat involved with a local group similar to Autism Speaks. Of course, I wasn't sure of everything they actually did and believed, I just knew they were a local group fighting for the rights of their kids in school, etc. My son has made a couple of good friends there, actually the girl he says is his girlfriend, her mother is part of that group. Another teen who is now his best friend, his mother also supports such a group. As time has passed, I have become increasingly ticked off at how they view autistics and even worse, as some of them treat autistics. This is where the trouble begins.

I love his two friends, they are awesome teens, super sweet, etc. However, I can no longer support that group. I have completely distanced myself from the actual group and instead hold get togethers off and on for my son and his friends, along with the parents. As time passed, I stopped inviting one of the parents and her child completely, as the mother was incredibly mean and cruel to my son on 3 separate occasions. I originally gave her the benefit of the doubt, but could no longer put up with it.

I normally post autistic pride, autistic acceptance, etc. on my Facebook page and some of these parents have of course started their "don't call them autistic, they suffer from autism rant". I ignored it for a while but eventually told them exactly what I thought. I try to keep my mouth shut a bit for the sake of my son and his friends, who have NO OTHER FRIENDS AT ALL, but it is wearing me down to see how incredibly cruel some of these parents are.

At this point I am at a complete loss. Just yesterday there was a 5K for this group, more than 1K runners and many others in attendance, but I could not get myself to go spend anytime there. I don't believe in what they believe in, I don't believe in their message of "kid needs to be fixed and I love him but not his autism, it's an epidemic"...I felt bad and like I let my son's friends down by not showing my support to THEM, but at the same time, I didn't want to be a part of any group like that. So what do I do? At this point I am even considering moving out of the country back to where we live as I can no longer put up with the backwards thoughts of the majority here in regards to autism. My son is an incredibly happy, confident young man and he doesn't need such negative people in his life.

How do you think I should manage this?

Explain the situation accurately, then ask your teen what he thinks and let him make the decision. Of course your import is needed and wanted. He is not a little kid anymore, he likely knows and if if he doesn't will know about the viewpoints expressed by these parents groups. They are mainstream viewpoints so with the possible exception of parts of the U.K. there is really not a place to run and hide from this mentality. I have often been told don't use autistic it's offensive, you can write so you are not autistic and have no right to have an opinion about best treatment options. My 58 years experience of bieng actually autistic is meaningless to them.


Autism acceptance/pride is meaningless if the autistic person is not consulted about a decision affecting him.

could you start your own group? something just for socializing (for parents and/or kids) and support (sharing tips, giving a sympathetic ear). I'm sure you're not the only parent with this mindset. Some folks may be staying in the old group because they have nothing else. And you don't have to ask people to choose between one group or the other (in fact it might be best if you don't)--just put yourself out there as another resource. I've joined a Meetup group for autistic adults, and it's pretty cool--we do several purely social things a month, just to have fun, and practice getting over social anxiety. You can set the agenda--support, socializing, fundraising, public education, all of the above. Don't put yourself out there as "better" than the other group, just trying another approach.

Lots of KUDOS to you for standing up for your kid, and for you! You have a right to feel the way you feel, and I'll bet you're not alone.

Thanks. I will talk to my son about it a bit more.

I kind of started a group, that's how I met some of these people. I told them I wanted a small group of teens/parents where we could hang out and just allow the kids to be themselves, do everyday stuff like go out to eat, hang out at the beach, etc. without all the talk of autism, therapy, what's wrong with these kids, etc...The few parents I met all claimed this was great and joined us, but it didn't take long for them to start talking about the same old stuff . I didn't want to make it a formal group, but maybe it would be best to make those guidelines written out in a group and let them decide vs. just telling them...hmmm Thanks!

I just wanted to say you sound like a great parent.

It might not be realistic to expect other parents to consider these issues with the same seriousness that you do.
Normal human conversation is distinct for its high level of inconsistency. "Normal people" too often say one thing and within a short period of time afterwards have said something completely contradictory. Its a nightmare for abnormal people like myself who are very sensitive to inconsistency.

"Normal healthy"(and please note the inverted commas) people do not treat what they say with a great deal of scrutiny, normal healthy people are above reproach. So even though in the beginning of a relationship you may find people saying all the right things, there actual long term behaviour will often be less than satisfactory.

Because of the peculiarities of my upbringing, I had to learn the importance self scrutiny pretty hard. Others are not so inclined and I don't expect them to be.

I think it might be on us to make sure that more parents are like this guy who started this topic.

I mean, parents who are "normal" usually simply don't understand. And they want us to get "treated". At least at first. My parents have now come to the point where they begin to finally understand, and just want to help me get by in order to be independent and "handle" the outside world in order to take care of myself, but at least they aren't offended anymore if I leave early during family meetings, and understand that showing up is my way of putting an effort, and that I'm simply overwhelmed.

But we can't just expect them to understand something that is so unfamiliar to them. We need to help them understand.

Today, after trying in the past to get me to agree to have someone "helping" me almost hand-by-hand, in addition to my therapist, my mother said she recommends me looking for other Aspies so that I wouldn't be alone, and might get their input. I agreed, and didn't just say I've already thought a bit, because that was a big step for her, I think. From thinking I should "fix" myself, to thinking I should just make best with my condition.

Most people, including therapists, know almost jack-shit about Asperger's. It might be our duty to make them understand. I'm not saying that 10-year-old Aspies should try to educate their parents (they might try, but their parents aren't likely to listen), but it could be up to us to make information more available.

I'm sure lots of parents would like to be like the OP. I'm sure my parents would love to be like that years ago, but they simply couldn't understand. His kid is lucky that now his father understands. But as great as he parent he might be, I don't think others are "bad parents". They're simply ignorant.

Most people, including therapists, know almost jack-shit about Asperger's. It might be our duty to make them understand.

I agree, care to set a date.

I mean a date to start pushing for better quality services from mental health services.

I wasn't even aware that I was in the autism spectrum until I watched a PBS documentary called "neurotypical"

After I watched that film, I knew I must be in the spectrum, unfortunately I'm not somewhere where I can confirm my diagnosis.


I had suffered three very serious mental breakdowns, and had been diagnosed as bipolar which was incorrect. As I don't have highs and lows just a lot of energy all the time.

If the psychiatrist in charge of me had been trained properly I might have been able to finish my university education. I might not have to experience every day as a flood of colour and emotions that you have to wade through desperately to get to the next day. I might not have felt like I was the only person on planet earth for god's sake.

Conversational therapy doesn't work well because neurotypicals just use it as an opportunity to play their "social games".
The process is done far too arbitrarily with little transparency and this should change but it isn't and it won't in the future.
I have many strong opinions on the area of the "mind" industries namely education and mental health and I'm looking for other people with similar feelings.

Sorry for going off topic.

Perhaps my understanding of the word "duty" is different from other people's. For them the word "duty" is like that video game "Call of Duty". Its a great game, I love playing it but I don't let it have undue influence on my vocabulary.