Politics has taken over

Post Reply New Topic

Hello. I really need some advise. I have a 36 year old son dx as Aspegers way back when at age 8. He falls between the cracks in that he is very capable of independent living and does not receive any state or federal financial assistance. He drives, holds a job etc. He was not able to succeed academically after HS so his jobs have been in movie theaters, breweries, restaurants and currently he works in a bank as a customer service rep! I know…yay for him right? He wants to work. He wants to be independent and I do what I can to help him with that. That usually looks like paying half his rent, buy him groceries, paying to have his car fixed, buying clothes for him etc.. By doing this he is able to live on his own and have some semblance of self worth and autonomy.
There are a number of issues but he biggest one is his rigid political views that differ from some members of our family. He rants on FB and uses bad language. I am not on FB but my other adult kids are. He crossed a line with his brother on FB (used the F word) recently and that opened up the flood gates.
It seems that my other kids are “sick of it” and have actually written to my husband to say “this is the person we are expected to support when you all are gone…nope”. The letter went on to itemize the financial assistance I provide to there brother. Mind you…we have paid for 4 and 6 years of college for these two siblings plus their weddings.. they have never had to pay rent on their own. They always had a roommate. My ASD son pays $1350 a month in rent. That’s a ton when your making $20/ hr….
So I am at a loss…and devastated. My daughter told me years ago I wouldn’t have to worry about my son…she would take care of him (there won’t be a need for any monetary support from either sibling. We have provided for all of them equally) but now I was told “we have our own families”.
I don’t know how to educate them any more than I already have about the impact of ASD on social interaction, empathy etc. I wonder where their empathy is?! His political rigidity is a real problem for sure and if your ideals differ you better duck. I have tried to have a discussion with him about this but guess what…he’s doesn’t get it. Is anyone surprised?
They think I coddle him, enable him etc. He works 6 days a week. He isn’t home sitting on his butt. He needs financial help from us. Yes, he spends some money on eating out ( I’m talking burger and fries here not surf and turf) and good beer which he enjoys.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated. We are geographically scatter so family therapy does not seem feasible. I want his siblings to understand that this is all part of his ASD and instead of just being angry…try to be empathetic. Years ago he said “everyone is passing me by”. He is the second of 4 kids and his youngest sibling has just graduated grad school and landed a job…. It breaks my heart.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for the long post I just don’t know where else to turn.

the problem does not sound like rigid political views, but rigid views about the f word

yeah I guess it could sound that way but that’s not the case. I am an avid F word user but I make the distinction between a simple F you and a more aggressive Go F yourself. That seems more aggressive to me somehow. Where I might jokingly say F you to a friend who is teasing me about whatever….I wouldn’t say go F yourself. I guess in our family one is more mainstream and acceptable than the other. Where one can and has been said in jest, the other isn’t.

I note that you posted this about his use of bad language but then you posted this response to Znof

I am an avid F word user but I make the distinction between a simple F you and a more aggressive Go F yourself.

In that case haven't you normalised this type of speech to your son? But I guess you don't want to hear preaching so I'll give some constructive advice based on my own experiences.

My 16 yr old daughter (who is probably functioning on the lower end of the aspie spectrum) inadvertently uses bad language she picked up in school from friends. My wife and I are mindful to be good role models so one blessing during this COVID lockdown is she is making strides to me mindul of aggressive language or swearing because we get to reinforce these virtues all the time.

The anger comes from a deep place. It might be a good idea to sit down with your son and talk to him. Find out why he is angry. Go from there.

Maybe you could try and explain to him exactly what you explained to us in your post.
Ultimately he is an adult, even if autistic, and if he decides he would rather hold to his political views even if it means alienating his family and losing financial support, maybe that is his decision to make.
As long as he understands the situation, maybe he needs to make that call himself.

Cyberdad, yes we have normalized this language for sure but in a very different context and without vitriol.

We have discussed all of the above with him including his anger and what’s at the root of it. I think it stems from his feeling of inadequacy. He wants so badly to be able to stand on his own two feet without any financial assistance. I think he finds it demoralizing. He sees his younger siblings having what he just can’t seem to achieve. It heartbreaking really. A few years back he said “everyone is passing me by”.
In the end, this isn’t about his language. I’m not offended by it. It wasn’t directed at me. My 30 something year old other kids have decided that this was the final straw regarding their brother’s behavior. I’m not sure what they expected when they engaged him in debate. He will never see any shades of gray in any area. They know this, they have lived this and yet here we are.

Context is something autistic people routinely don't read.

I know how your Aspie son feels. I’ve been “passed by,” too. My older brother barely got his GED---but he became a millionaire. I did fairly well in school, yet I’ve had a civil service job for 40 years with no promotion. I’m fortunate for that. In 1990, my mother helped me buy an apartment. But I’ve been mostly completely on my own.

I've always had the feeling that I was seen as being something of a "ret*d" by many. I've gone through life with this feeling. It's gone away, mostly---but, sometimes (at times it's my fault), I still get that feeling.

Your son should seek not to use aggressive language when he’s debating politics with his family. And he should seek to research other viewpoints. He should seek to be reasonable. There are boundaries, and he must respect them. He needs to say to his family that he will seek to improve and to try to meet others halfway. Your son is not static. He can grow. He probably needs a little push.

You all should sit down and hash this out. And make sure you all have a reasonable discussion. I bet your 36 year old wants to get along with his family. He has to meet them halfway, and the others have to meet him halfway.

Your 36 year old can make progress, and learn new ways of relating to people.

I know it's "easier said than done"----but it's better if you all make the attempt, rather than let things slide.

Those are wise words from Kraftie.
Even if Aspergers is making your son see politics as black and white, with only one 'right' answer, he should know not to be disrespectful of others during discussions. Autism can make it hard to see others' viewpoints sometimes, but that doesn't mean we can't learn how to disagree politely.

However,
If politics is your son's thing, if it is a consuming interest, that will make it hard for him, because he will have strong emotional connections with his opinions. So when others disagree he probably takes it personally and gets upset, which might explain the strong language and the anger.

It's a difficult situation, but I'm not sure that anything you say to his siblings wouldn't backfire. As in, the more you seem to be on your son's side, the more they will kick back against your wishes. Because no-one likes to feel pressured to put up with something they don't like. So I'm still thinking this may be something your son needs to sort out for himself.

dont forget the totally benign at worst K is f*****g great man,

but when we do read it, it often goes un-noticed..

I kicked arse on the GED nearly 25 years ago and now live in a shelter, lol

Oh, I seem to hear somebody say, but you admited doing K, and that gives rats wetbrain and people's brains frying eggs so you deserve to be poor for killing your great GED acing brain - wtf lol/.

Its on topic too - but I think I already mentioned that - they give out poison seroquel , because of politics, or something like it.

I have no idea what you're talking about, Sir.

I guess it is just a confusing way of complaining about people assuming Im homeless because I do drugs when I figure it is more to do with my autism.

Being homeless with talents can be irksom, so I tried to make myself feel better by boasting, I guess?

ps - by far my lowest score on the GED was writing skills.

YES! That’s it exactly. That’s the the point I need to make with my other kids. He takes dissent personally. Oh gosh I can’t thank you enough. That one paragraph has been very helpful