My Response to "In Defense of Teasing"

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This wonderfully insightful article came through GRASP's mailing list today:

"In Defense of Teasing" by Dacher Keltner

This was my response:

Good Evening, Everyone--

I read this article this afternoon and it got me thinking a lot about not only how this relates to our fellow persons on the spectrum, but the social implications the article's content had for everyone, Aspie/Autie and NT alike.

Teasing, the kind with obvious malicious intent, is never pleasant. I'm sure there's not one person on this mailing list who hasn't endured the hurt or embarassment caused by the words or actions of those who seek to "put us in our place". A specific incident came to mind while reading the article. I remember a boy in my 6th grade class who once passed back to me a note. It read something along the lines of, "I'm sorry I haven't been the nicest to you. In fact, I think you're cute. Want to go out with me?" I was puzzled, but had learned at that point to be skeptical of any gesture of kindness. I scribbled back, "You mean it?" The boy took the piece of folded and refolded paper from my hands, careful not to let the teacher catch us in the exchange. When it returned to me, it read, "Want to go to the dance on Friday night?" As I was writing my reply, I glanced up to see his neighbor making a face. It could have been her just being bored with the lecture, but it was what I know now as a smirk. Then, the boy started laughing too, seeing that I had taken the bait. I threw my finished note back at him which read, "But how do I know you're not just joking?" I had come to the conclusion too late, as I had already led myself right into the trap that had been set for me time and time again in the past. One would have thought that by then, it wouldn't have taken me a few note passes to call the boy on his game-- at least one who didn't later learn that I have AS would have thought that.

Where am I going with this snippet from my trip down memory lane? I'll tell you.

Each of you remember a time when you were being teased by someone. Remember how you felt. Think about it until your face flushes with embarassment and perhaps a tear comes to your eye. Let yourself get worked up in that thought. Now imagine if you had a mentor who shadowed you through those experiences, deflecting most of the taunts before they even reached you. Imagine, if like the author of the article mentioned, that a set of safe "zero tolerance" rules were enforced to keep you away from that horrible experience. That would be a good thing, right? Perhaps with regards to the specific incident, yes. In the long term, no. As the author points out, a person cannot learn to deal with the behavior if they are not made to approach it often for practice.

What does this mean for those on the spectrum?

Our natural difficulty with reading body language and tonal differences in things like sarcasm can easily make us targets for teasing. It makes learning the social game infinitely more frustrating, and makes us infinitely less interested in expending the effort for the necessary practice. Nevertheless, for the sake of integration, we must learn the rules if only to adapt to them. This does not mean that I advocate for stripping ourselves of our unique characteristics that make us valuable members of society (whether organizations like "Autism Speaks" think so or not), rather to give us a better understanding of how our minds work, and how to be able to better explain our neuromechanics to our friends and family. The adaptations are not only for the benefit of those around us who might not fully understand our differences, but also for ourselves in terms of learning a new skill while still retaining your core being. Think of it like learning a foreign language. You might end up learning to speak Japanese very well, but ultimately, when you come home to your family at night, you're not going to be speaking Japanese. You're going to be speaking English (or whatever native tongue that may be for you).

What does this mean for the rest of the world?

Shielding the world from all negative experiences means that individuals cannot gain from those experiences. The next generation currently attending those schools with "zero tolerance policies" are learning incorrectly that the world is basically a safe place, and that there will always be someone to throw out a safety net to catch them when they fall.

As a parent, it's hurt to see my little girl (Dx w/PDD-NOS) starting to get some unwanted attention because of her differences. It makes me remember all those times when I tried to make friends, but no matter what I said or did, I was always met with taunting and sometimes violence. While I will not tolerate brutal acts of violence or abuse, I will not take those valuable lessons away from my children and I urge other parents and teachers to do the same. Teach the children how to better deal with it rather than remove them from the situation. Nobody wants their kid to be teased, but everyone wants their child to grow up strong and independent. We can all agree on that.

So, in defense of teasing, I agree with the author. I think this lesson is especially invaluable to those of us spectrumites who need a little extra practice socially. Everyday, I still find myself fine tuning my sarcasm radar, or watching to make sure I use proper circumventing commentary rather than direct criticism of a friend or co-worker, but everyday I am getting better and better at it. My self-esteem has grown to a point where I'm finally comfortable with me, even if not all my moments on this Earth themselves are necessarily comfortable to live through. Everyone struggles, but what's important is you're doing the best you can to be yourself and to show others what valuable gifts you have to share if only they could open their eyes up a little wider to see.

So next time you overhear someone saying something you know to be malicious about you, smile through the hurt. You've just learned a valuable lesson about what kind of person the gossiper is, and you can then add them to the list of people for which you don't have to expend the energy to adapt.

Kind Regards,
Ann

Dacher is a twat.

That is all I have the energy to say on the subject. I don't need to rehash how much an issue bullying really is, not here on WP.

bullying bad teasing good

i was bullied - and had my share of nicknames (still do & proudly so)

it was learning to be teased and teasing that saved me socially

i love proper teasing -
there's just that fine line when things end being reciprocally 'needling'
proper teasing is an implied invitation for a verbal comeback

Just to clarify, I'm not defending those who bully, but rather the valuable social information gained from the experiences themselves. Ideally it would be great if none of us ever had to learn to deal with these experiences, but the reality is that everyone (NTs and Aspies alike) will have to deal with teasing in some shape or form eventually. Think of it this way: No matter how miserable someone makes you feel (except in inexcusable extreme cases of violence and abuse), you are learning to identify the subtleties that we so often miss in non-verbal communication, and how to avoid and/or deal with them (and the people who act in such a manner) accordingly. For people like us, it is especially important to learn to identify these subtleties, because even in pleasant conversation, we tend to miss so much between the lines. It is essential to our sucess as individuals living on the wrong planet.

I haven't read anything else by this author, so I cannot form enough of an opinion to agree or disagree with your position. I can certainly understand why you would say something like that of someone who would defend one of the very things that makes life miserable for people like us. Believe me, I live with it everyday as I'm sure you do. Looking back, though, I can name countless painful events in my history that I wish had never happened. At second glance, I ask myself what I learned from those experiences, and most of them justify themselves, though my opinions of the people who created those situations remains negative.

The biggest slap in the face to those who make our lives miserable is to become better, more successful people because of it. After all, they want us to fail and to hate ourselves. If we allow that with a "zero tolerance" approving attitude where we learn nothing, then they really have suceeded in their endeavors. I, for one, won't allow that. I'm proud to be different, and I'm proud that I've had the strength and the courage to keep picking myself up every time someone figuratively knocks me down. This general attitude isn't only applicable to individuals, but also to situations like "Autism Speaks". They're promoting fear rather than compassion, and medical cures (profitable) rather than education (learning benefits EVERYONE). If we just sit back and feel sorry for ourselves, then they win. From what I've seen, most people here on WP are learning from their negative experiences with Autism Speaks, and are fighting back with passion and determination to erase the smears. Do you think we would be self-advocating with such passion if such a "bully" did not exist? We are being noticed because of it, no matter how loud they shout their garbage all over the place.

We are better people because of the hard times we are forced to endure. That is why I am in defense of teasing.

There was a section in the article about teasing between romantic couples. I said to my husband that if the amount of teasing between us is any indication of how well we're doing, then I fart in his general direction! LOL! He thought that was pretty funny.