Rehab? i am broken! Anyone?? PLEASE READ!!

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So I consume a drastic amount of alcohol probably close to (at my peak) 90 - 120 standard drinks in a week. I was literally half drunk around the clock. Point being my behaviour around this seems to be pretty much the same except now that i am no longer working i'd be lying if i said this didn't contribute to my drinking less these days maybe about 70 to 90 drinks a week. believe me I have drank some pretty bad stuff that i wouldn't say but it contains a ridiculous amount of alcohol, i have struggled with alcohol since around 16 and im 35 now. I have lost pretty much every job due to it, my family dis owned me, can't see my kids, my wife left, everything fell apart yet i still use it to cope with things and i physically can feel it is actually killing me. i'm unwell, always tired, don't care for myself properly and knowing that i needed help with being co-dependence and that i have always been hidden from everyone in my room, drinking at work on my lunch breaks - i literally (not proud to say) but could on my 30min lunch break have 10.8 standard drinks within 5mins in the public toilet everyday at the train station which took nearly 20min round trip just walking. religiously everyday and would lie about it and didn't go home some nights to my family cause i was ashamed of myself. i used to on top of this also buy 3x 1ltr bottles of scotch to drink at home. point is I just want support and to know i'm loved and cared for by the people whom i've hurt but they refuse to talk to me and I guess i can understand why. I still do the same stuff and being Autistic shouldn't have caused me to neglect what i valued the most i only failed to address the other issues that kept me stuck. i rather get drunk and have cause for failing then actually admitting i ws different and refused to want to learn about myself and how i could have probably still had everything and everyone in my life. im extremely becoming suicidal again and know that at any moment another meltdown is going to come and potentially i might succeed this time at ending my misery caused by myself and a huge factor which i have been thinking about often is all the time (years) i have been absent from everyone only leaves me feeling despair for thinking my children miss me and it's entirely my fault they aren't here to see me. So i'm thinking about going to rehab but fear if it doesn't work i'll only waste others time which led me back their at the start anyway. i actually feel solace in saying i deserve to not be in peoples lives as i have only caused hurt and shame for the mutual friends we once shared and im the only one of my siblings to have issues with substance and i don't know what to do, my appointments for professional help isn't enough, i don't know who to turn to for support and have nobody like minded to rely on the only common type i encounter are people who wish to maintain their addictions and will also only result in me taking my life sooner. I am lost. does anyone have any experiences to share the will emotionally resonate with the above? seems to be the only way advice sinks in. I know that my next complete meltdown is very very soon and i'm pleased yet fearful at the same time. thanks.

Dani.

Yes go to rehab, but this time it is going to be different. Feel free to PM me if you want.

It's encouraging you have identified this isn't healthy and want to make a change Dani.

Check out this website:

https://aa.org.au/

It's a great source of information on problematic alcohol consumption.

https://meetings.aa.org.au/near/

AA have plenty of meetings at different times and locations in Brisbane.
No need to sign up, no need to pay anything. Go to as many meetings as you want and speak with some of the people there.

Sending my prayers.

Thank all for reading and support..
I have decided to not go to rehab, my intention was to except just for confusion sake here's my NT attemp at explaining my reasons - it takes times to get into these kind of places.

You don't need to explain your reasons to anybody else Dani.

You've mentioned here how you've lost jobs, your wife, your kids and everything in your life has fallen apart - because of alcohol.

Help is available and it's free. Pick up the phone and call 1300 222 222 for a free confidential chat.

"Membership" of Alcoholics Anonymous is open to anyone who wants to stop drinking alcohol.

There are no judgements made. Most or all of the people you will deal with at AA are alcoholics themselves, whether they are still drinking or been sober for 40 years. These are real people and some of them have been through experiences like you have.

Here's a link to the "Big Book", the Bible that idntonkw mentioned, you can read it online:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

Like everything else with AA there's no charge and no obligation to do anything.

Please reach out and get help Dani.

Thank you all.