Schizophrenic? What delusions do you have?

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I have…

Aliens. Existing
Having something to do with gods and the bible
Hearing voices
Pissing people off

I know little about it, so I'm just sticking my toe in.
I didn't think people with delusions knew or believed they had delusions. That's sort of like a definition.
If you can identify your delusion, is it a delusion?

Me? My whole life I've been under the delusion that all humans are evil, selfish, monsters more interested in destroying lives than building them. Recently I'm warming up to the the notion that some people (I've never met one) might not be like that. But I can't trust anyone enough to find out.

I can talk to angels and that I can let them possess me. Its kind of bad sometimes. I sit and summon them. This is a bit gross but I sometimes poop my pants and smear it. I got caught doing that today. I do it to summon. I believe Im functioning quite well though. I feel like religion is helping me to feel more happy. Im not sure if I even have delusions. Everyone tells me I do.

Based on what you're describing I would agree with the 'yes, that's delusional' folks.
It's often hard to recognize that one is delusional while it is ongoing and they might potentially find the experience exciting and like it creates importance and meaning, making all the more appealing to believe it and disbelieve feedback suggesting it's not real.

Yeah. My family is worried but I dont fully understand. I feel good. Im seeing flashes of light that are purple, blue, and red. I know enough to not tell them everything because they will interpret it differently. My parents now want me to wear pyjamas that are hard to take off. I feel a bit mad about that. I thought they wanted me to have autonomy. Now I also have more supervision during the day and night. I feel restricted.

It's difficult to manage how to best enable someone to have independence if they're occasionally occupying a different reality than everyone else because they be making what they believe to be rational decisions in response to things that aren't actually real.

Treating that underlying problem might require limiting their autonomy in order to get them back to real reality, but that presents a whole bunch of new problems and questions. They likely believe that what they're doing in the short-term will benefit in the long-term, but depending on how the medications impact you and how frequently these symptoms present will play a big role in determining to what extent you're able to live independently.

I suffer disassociation and delusions in response to stress and this has at times interfered with my ability to work. It basically prevents me from working full time. When I was working 50+ hour weeks I started dealing with those issues a lot more. Stuff like that I had to erase all traces of my existence and vanish, that my ex had killed herself and that it was my fault and starting to see her ghost haunting me, etc.

Overall I've had to make peace with the fact that I'm unlikely to ever work full time again which means I will need to figure out other means of gaining support. I will likely need financial assistance, social supports, etc. I might have to make peace with the idea of living with my parents although I'd prefer that to not be the case.

It sucks to have to admit that securing your own well-being might involve having to surrender more independence or autonomy than the average person. It's almost impossible to do while you're in a mental state that interferes with your attachment to reality because even it's almost always more interesting and exciting than being attached to mundane reality and dealing with the problems those periods cause which makes it very hard to admit to one's self that there's a problem.

Would it be fair to suggest that when you're not in these states that you're prone to feeling depressed and lacking purpose? Would it be fair to suggest while in these states that those problems largely cease?

That's been my experience, so that's why I'm guessing.

So in the moment it easy to believe there's nothing wrong, i feel great and you're all trying to ruin it.
But that thought isn't connected to reality. Even if the people trying to get you help have selfish motives they are ultimately trying to get you back to reality in order to make decisions for yourself that are grounded in real, boring, mundane reality.

I hope that wasn't too rambly and disjointed.

This is neither considered clean nor functional. Are you cleaning up after yourself or expecting others to?

I clean up after myself because I know that people dont like it. But yesterday I was caught because I forgot to lock the bathroom door.

Yeah. I dont have much independence. My parents say its for my safety though. I ask to be alone a lot or to go out alone. They say Im naive and vulnerable. Every time I leave the house I am either with my parents or another relative or a support worker. It frustrates me sometimes. Other people my age have driver's licenses and jobs. They also go to parties. My younger siblings have a lot of freedom.

Im a bit upset that they dont let me have autonomy because they went to a support group meeting about how important it is. They make a lot of my decisions. They make decisions about what I wear and what I eat. Im frustrated that I have to wear pyjamas that I can't take off easily. I looked them up. They are usually for people with disabilities or Alzheimers\Dementia. I also have to wear some kind of undergarment under my clothes that I can't take off without assistance. I feel weird about that. My younger cousin laughs at me because of it. I also get help with my appointments and medications. Sometimes I dont take them but now I am supervised while I take them.

Dissasociation seems scary. Im sorry you go through that. Working 50 hours seems like a lot. I had a summer job but I only worked 25 hours a week. I think I made some of my coworkers uncomfortable. Those thoughts seem scary. I hope you are feeling better now.

I dont have a job currently. I only have about $500.00. I wrote my resume though. I had help with that. I kind of want a job. My parents want me to move out one day but they do not expect me to be independent. They want me to have 24\7 supervision for some reason.

I always have somebody with me. I sometimes sneak out of the house or wander off. I went to the park once and I felt so amazing that day. I feel so amazing today too. Another time I wandered off while at the library. I was trying to get some space and seem more approachable. I feel like when I am with a support worker it makes me less approachable. I think I made some teen girls uncomfortable. I sat on the carpet near where they were sitting and they just burst out laughing. I dont know what I did. Then my support worker found me. That made them laugh even harder. Also I feel like if I always have people with me it will make dating hard. But the people around me dont really want me to date. My best "babysitter" is my older cousin. She respects the fact that I am an adult. She lets me drink red wine and takes me to the mall. I also like to take the bus with her. She listens to me when I tell her about angels. She doesn't tell me Im wrong. I dont understand why my stuff is not reality.

Religion helps with my depression. But Im not allowed to go to church. I have no problems currently.

I wish my family would just let me be sometimes because I feel amazing and I feel like they dont understand.

Thanks for your response. It was not too rambly or disjointed. Sorry I took so long to reply. I have not really been sleeping which makes me exhausted.

I can understand what your parents are trying to achieve even if it sounds like they might be underestimating you. It sounds like they're very protective but for good reasons, it just might be hard to judge where to set boundaries.

I got a lot of pressure from my parents to get a driver's licence, then once I had it my mom started acting like I shouldn't and wouldn't help me with learning to drive. Eventually my dad helped me learn. I've been doing it forever now and I can understand why my mom was as worried as she was but ultimately it's been a positive thing to be able to achieve that milestone.

Have you ever asked about some of the restrictions, like say with the stuff you wear to bed or the undergarment? You're an adult and are probably at least entitled to have restrictions explained to you well enough to understand, if they expect you to live away from them, even if they don't expect you to be independent.

It sounds like your parents might be very unsure of how well you're able to function, or at least underestimating it in places, although it's hard to say. I think a support worker might end up impairing the ability to learn some skills, although it probably depends on who they are. Your cousin and you probably have a different dynamic than the one you were with at the library. Having someone you relate to as a friend supervising probably would help with developing social skills which would help with how well you can fit into other settings, like workplaces.

I hope I don't sound dismissive with how I talk about reality and how delusions relate to that. There's different ways to define what's real. There's objective reality, like the parts that can be readily proven to anyone with evidence that anyone can evaluate. But everyone else also has a more subjective reality made up of what they know and what they've experienced. Mental illness can impact both how we experience things, some forms even impact what we experience.

My experience says I've interacted with the supernatural, but I don't believe that's real in any objective sense. I was dealing with more stress than I could deal with and my mind wasn't working right as a result.

Yeah. I think they underestimate me. It hurts sometimes. When they go to work they make my siblings in charge. I dont always mind that but sometimes it stresses me out.

My parents dont really talk to me about getting my drivers license. I wish they would. It does seem scary though. But it seems like a rite of passage that Im missing out on. I love going in the car because the movement is soothing.

I have asked about the restrictions. Its because I take my clothes off sometimes. I used to take my pants off in front of my younger cousin and my other cousin who is my age. They would laugh at me. One day my grandma walked in and started yelling at us. Then she told my cousins I was Autistic and Schizophrenic. That was awkward. That experience was not a fun one. My aunt and uncle were upset about it. I heard them and my grandma and grandpa fighting about it. Then they never talked about it again. I have been away from them before. They use respite services sometimes. The last time I went I couldn't stop thinking about a food I ate the day before and I started puking. That was at midnight. I wanted to go home and I started crying. I was having a good day before that. My parents felt bad about that. The reason they monitor what I eat is because what I had eaten that time was banana bread covered in cream cheese icing. I can understand why they would not trust me to feed myself.

I feel like having a support worker is a bit restrictive so I used to sneak off. I got candy because of it once. I sat at a table with these people I did not know. They stared at me. Then they took out candy. Some of them were laughing. I dont understand what was so funny. They asked if I wanted some and I said yes. It was gummy bears and chocolate. Then they started talking to me and asking me if I needed help. I just told them my name. I kind of shut down in that moment. Then my support worker found me. My parents were not impressed with me. After that my support worker said I couldn't go to the library anymore if I did that. My parents wanted that. I stopped doing that because I like the library. I dont have a support worker currently. My cousin and I are really close. She has taught me some social skills. She also helps me take care of myself. She is 2 years older than me. I just also feel like she is really non judgemental. A lot of people have been judgemental. She has done job interview questions with me. I struggle with answering them but she is encouraging.

You dont sound dismissive. You are more kind to me than other people. People stare at me a lot and laugh. Some people make the cuckoo symbol with their fingers. Other people tell me Im crazy and laugh. Some people will also give me the silent treatment. Some people ask me if Im serious and they look concerned when they realize I am. I think I scared off my friends. The weird thing is that I know I have a mental illness because I have been told I do. Its hard for me to comprehend sometimes.

I feel like I have experienced the supernatural and people have told me I have spiritual gifts. I go on religious forums online and people always say I have gifts. I get paranoid when Im stressed. I have cycles of paranoia and religious experiences.

You might not realize it but you got into quite a dangerous situation. Where I live, preschool children are regularily instructed never to accept food, gifts or invitations from strangers.
These people clearly knew you were vulnerable. Their intention might have been to help you - or to take advantage of you. You could never tell.

Various religions with at least a few centuries of experience in mysticism - being it yoga, catholicism, shamanism or many others - all say that the path of the mystic is full of traps. They all say it because it's their consistent experience.
One of the traps I was warned about is trying to induce mystical experiences just for the feeling of it. Yes, the feeling is... impossible to explain to people who never came close to it. And mystical experiences are sometimes indeed helping you grow and learn deep truths. But when you do it for the feeling, you become an easy target for evil spirits.
I don't know if these "evil spirits" are concious inhabitants of supernatural realm or just unhealthy mechanisms within your mind. Either way, they're dangerous and capable of destroying you.
Various religious traditions say the same because it's their real experience.

I don't have mystical experiences any more. I had just two or three of them in my life. I missed them when I stopped having them but I accepted that it was God who gave me them when I needed, not me who grabbed them when I wanted.
I lost my ability to get spiritual high - but I gained peace and balance for my everyday life.

I’m not diagnosed schizophrenic but in recent years I think I’m getting some psychosis. I am getting a lot of paranoia. There’s teenagers that hang out at the side of my house usually smoking weed etc. And I keep thinking they are there because of me. I am highly suspicious of others and friends say that I’m delusional and provide some evidence but I still keep thinking people are out to get me. Sometimes I think maybe I have schizoid personality disorder or I’m in the early stage of schizophrenia. There’s also a very extensive world in my head that I live in and talk to.

Why would they be there because of you?

A lot of it probably comes from the clash between being intelligent but also maybe not having the best developed sense of judgment. An intelligent person with poor judgment can get themselves into pretty bad situations, especially if they miss signs that a goal they're after is leading them into a situation that will be over their head, or otherwise needlessly dangerous with little or nothing to gain.

Of course having one's freedom limited will always be stressful.



It is a rite of passage, but it's also a really big responsibility because of how serious the consequences can be if something goes wrong. I used to go on long, unplanned drives as a self-soothing behaviour and this often involved driving too fast on really remote roads and was long before I owned a cell phone. If I had an accident or a breakdown I would have been stranded.

I can understand why they might worry about you if you got your licence and had a breakdown (mechanical) or accident, or suddenly got stuck in traffic because of a highway closure or whatever. From what you've described and from my own experience in those situations I can see that being too much to deal with. Even little things like stalling on a hill with someone behind me was almost overwhelming to bear when it happened to me.

That said, I still think it might be good to let you take your G1 and if you pass work from there. It's not like passing it means you automatically have to start driving all the time.



That's one you might be able to ask for compromise on. Obviously I can see why they might not be comfortable with you taking your clothes off in that situation, but like... if you're just in your room alone who cares? They still might expect you to always be covered when you're not in your room though.



I wonder if you looked lost or disoriented or otherwise out of place?
People laugh sometimes when they don't quite understand a situation or if they think they're being messed with. It doesn't always mean they think something is funny.



Your cousin sounds awesome and she sounds like she has hope for your potential.



I can relate to being perceived as crazy (and being crazy ) so that's why I think it's something that deserves understanding. That said I do try to encourage people to recognize that their understanding of their experience can be altered by certain mental states. Drugs can do this, but it can happen on it's own in some people as well.

Whether it's seeing patterns in coincidences or feeling/seeing/hearing/otherwise experiencing entities or recollections of experiences that never actually happened or whatever it's healthy to recognize that it's not occurring out in the rest of the world for most other people. It isn't objectively real, it's your brain glitching. Even if that perspective is less flattering to consider it has to be kept in mind. This is something that has helped me deal with these experiences for myself but sometimes hurts people's feelings when they describe similar because it means I'm basically saying to dismiss real experiences as only being real in the sense that that's what they actually experienced, not what actually happened.

Part of the reason medications for these issues aren't always very good is that we don't have a perfect understanding of what's involved (the brain uses many chemicals and each has several types of receptors, there's medications that change levels of those chemicals in different ways, there's medications that make the receptors less sensitive, etc) let alone the ability to only narrowly target the exact parts of the brain involved for any one person. In some ways the medications work by hijacking the same systems within the brain that cause mental illness, but they end up working like having to draw a picture with mittens or gloves on.

Therapy might also help with the experience as well.

You're in Ontario, right? CMHA might have resources and they try to accommodate people.
https://ontario.cmha.ca/

Part of independence means actually managing these sorts of affairs for yourself, at least to the greatest extent you can. Trying to take control of one or two aspects of your life at a time can prove if it's a challenge that's actually manageable.

Try to remember, some of the people you meet on forums might also be experiencing similar things but not addressing them in healthy ways. We have posters here who have encouraged other posters towards embracing delusions that were aligned with their worldview and it seems reasonable to expect that can occur in other places.

Within any community that faces a struggle there's people who deal with it in healthy ways and people who deal with it in not so healthy ways. People who deal with them in unhealthy ways tend to encourage people towards the ones that are easier and feel better but don't improve things for the person dealing with them.

Yeah I struggle with making good decisions sometimes. Everyone I know says I have poor impulse control. I have gotten myself into bad situations before to be honest. I have met people I have only known online. I did it after school so that my parents would not know. They figured out though and were upset. I also got scammed out of money in a drug deal gone wrong. I told them I was meeting friends. Now my parents don't let me hang out with friends unless they come to the door. My parents say Im more vulnerable than other people.

Yeah, most people I know have their drivers license and I feel like Im left out. Im also terrified of driving though because of all the things that could go wrong. Im especially scared of getting pulled over because I act nervous when I have nothing to be nervous about. Having a mechanical breakdown or getting in an accident seems scary to me. I get stressed out getting stuck in traffic when I am a passenger. Stalling on a hill seems scary to be honest. I asked my parents about getting my G1 and they said they would take me and help me study.

Yeah, It was a bad situation when I took my clothes off in that moment. I think I should be allowed to do it in my room but I tend to leave my room sometimes. When I take my clothes off Im not trying to be inappropriate, its usually because I feel irritated or I feel disoriented. I get feelings where I feel really overwhelmed. I guess they would rather I be covered up all the way because then nothing is uncomfortable. I do not know how to cope though, when I feel like Im overheating and I also feel the need to pace around. People around me think Im overreacting sometimes.

Yeah, I wonder why they were laughing. I think I was acting weird to be honest. I asked someone afterwards and I was told that its socially odd to just sit with people I do not know. I was not trying to mess with them. I just felt like they were cool and I wanted to see what they were up to.

My cousin is awesome, however now that she has a new boyfriend we do not hang out as much. Her new boyfriend is really nice though.

What you are saying makes sense. Sometimes I lack insight to be honest. Im on medication right now. I had to start taking it again. Its really hard to accept that certain things are not real because sometimes I feel really good because of it. People have told me I live in a fantasy world. I like the way that you put it. It doesn't hurt my feelings.

CMHA has good resources.

Im not sure how to manage my own affairs with certain things. I still need help with taking my medication currently. I would love to be more independent though. Im trying to get better. I have even went to pick up my prescription before. I still do not manage my own appointments though. My mom still goes with me to my doctors appointments. She does it because I have a hard time describing my symptoms sometimes. I let her come in because talking is hard for me and sometimes doctors do not get all of the information from me.

Im not really allowed on religious forums because people there have told me stuff that makes my parents uncomfortable with me going on there. Yeah, I have been told that Im more vulnerable and that I need to be careful with information that I read and that Im given. Its hard though sometimes.

I have dealt with my stuff in unhealthy ways before. I have started dealing with it in more healthy ways though.