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Rexi
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27 Apr 2022, 1:58 pm

Velorum wrote:
My wife has emotionally unstable personality disorder which is how its labelled in these parts.

The best I can describe it is that as someone close at hand its like sitting on the summit of a volcano.

She was only recently diagnosed. When we first got together she seemed able to mask or utilise various coping strategies to reduce its impact on others. As time has gone on this has become more difficult and there have been incredibly difficult times for both of us. Over the past 6 months there have been two suicide attempts one of which required a hospital admission.

Our marriage is now drawing to a close as we are such a bad combination of different neurotypes. We inhabit different areas of the house and will be moving to our own separate places soon.

Thats my third failed marriage. I seem to attract personality disorders as this was the case with my other wives. You would think that I would be able to spot it a mile off - but no.

The local adult mental health service are truly appalling. She still hasnt been seen by anyone since her first suicide attempt. A mental health worker did call me up though to see how things were - he said that they werent too worried as she had me and being as I worked in childrens mental health service they considered this a protective factor. In other words they are relying on me for dynamic risk management. I tried to explain how difficult this was for me but this didnt seem to land.......

No no no, it doesnt work like that. When theres a 3rd party experienced dealing with the couple its very different than the partner actually trying to be a shrink. A 3rd party can help with difficult talks, meeting there to actually get progress on a debate thats too difficult otherwise. That can create safety for the PwBPD and the arguments don't get out of hand. Sure, truths are being told, but in the best way, and people will think about it.

That's because the issues are in such a way that they affect her more when you try to take control, especially if the techniques you use is making it worse, which further affects the relationship trust and hope and makes them want to run away or they cant run away and feel the need to suicide. Helping children is very different from helping people with bpd, or being a psychologist, and managing a love relationship of this dynamic is very different from helping others. You also need your own helping sessions.

DBT seems to help couples and make partners of PwBPD happy. But the main treatment is medication. You really have to help her get into routinal sessions and join her for debates that you should not have at home especially if you dont know about BPD yet, drive her to DBT and get her put on medication. Takes a lot of the weight off is what people experience when their PwBPD is in sessions.

Medicated people's partners seem to be much more happy after that.

This is my thread about BPD from my experience.
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=403957&p=8986027


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Last edited by Rexi on 27 Apr 2022, 2:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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27 Apr 2022, 2:05 pm

3 signs you are dating someone with borderline personality disorder, according to an expert:

1. Disagreements turn into huge fights, followed by pleas for forgiveness.

2. They love someone or hate them, but there is no in-between.

3. They are always analyzing your expressions and actions.

Read the Full Article
 HERE 



Rexi
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27 Apr 2022, 3:06 pm

kuze wrote:
Velorum wrote:
My wife has emotionally unstable personality disorder which is how its labelled in these parts.

The best I can describe it is that as someone close at hand its like sitting on the summit of a volcano.

She was only recently diagnosed. When we first got together she seemed able to mask or utilise various coping strategies to reduce its impact on others. As time has gone on this has become more difficult and there have been incredibly difficult times for both of us. Over the past 6 months there have been two suicide attempts one of which required a hospital admission.

Our marriage is now drawing to a close as we are such a bad combination of different neurotypes. We inhabit different areas of the house and will be moving to our own separate places soon.

Thats my third failed marriage. I seem to attract personality disorders as this was the case with my other wives. You would think that I would be able to spot it a mile off - but no.

The local adult mental health service are truly appalling. She still hasnt been seen by anyone since her first suicide attempt. A mental health worker did call me up though to see how things were - he said that they werent too worried as she had me and being as I worked in childrens mental health service they considered this a protective factor. In other words they are relying on me for dynamic risk management. I tried to explain how difficult this was for me but this didnt seem to land.......


Hi Velorum

Reading your reply definitely touched a nerve. I wonder if some people with such destructive disorders actually seek out partners that are most likely to tolerate their behaviours. Unfortunately there are many among us that are all too willing to brush the surface behaviour aside in an effort to better understand the person beneath. I know one of my flaws as an ASD person is that I am extremely loyal. This behaviour took its toll when I sustained a 10 year marriage with someone who was constantly manipulative, destructive and violent. When our relationship began, she too was on her best behaviour. It was only after she told me that her dad killed himself when she was young, did she reveal the monster I would tolerate in the years to come. The problem is, because of my loyalty, I instantly decided to protect her no matter what. I left her more than 10 years ago. I didn't know I was ASD until recently and certainly had no idea about mental health issues at the time, but BPD or another antisocial disorder certainly comes to mind nowadays.

I am sorry that your local adult mental health services weren't helpful. I was seen relatively quickly when i recently learned i may be autistic (North West England). However, I am glad you are brave enough to face yet another relationship closure. I wonder what your next chapter in life will look like?

kuze

"BPD is probably the most stigmatized personality disorder"

https://www.verywellmind.com/stigma-a-definition-of-stigma-425329

That's because most people quote "manipulation and lies" and maliciousness where there was never mentioned such a thing in any of its description of the diagnosis. PwBPD come from a variety of extremely traumatic households and pasts, this would not be lies. Just like Schizophrenics, PwBPD don't live within their disorder, episodes fade and they are left with the view of a world. That means they see behaviour, even if the intent behind it is warped and feelings from the past are flare up, confusing the person even more. This doesnt mean their intention towards the person is malignant or they don't love the person. It's just very difficult to deal with close relationships and extreme triggers. If people push triggers on them, not understanding why such a simple thing would be triggering to them, it's even worse.

When I was having my first relationships, I didnt know about my differences but as patterns kept happening I realized theres something that makes it really hard on my part and I started to avoid relationship at all cost. Because like I was writing in my post it comes with excess deep feelings, I was easily drawn into relationships again and again, although sometimes I have for months denied people before giving in. The conclusion I drawn was it's impossible for me, so I got into the poly scene temporarily in an attempt to fix most of my issues, which eased up some of my issues, because i did not become involved as deep, but that's only temporary. I typically explain my negatives in great detail, I didnt think it would benefit me to actually get someone to get with me not knowing the full truths about me to what? To see them leave because they cant handle it or harmed? Not working like that. Most PwBP who are aware its just very tough and they personally are much different in terms of multiple areas that most people arent willing or able to agree with, wont wanna do it. Because i have an array of failed relationships behind me, its in no interest to me to create failure. Many people who werent borderline did it to me, I really didnt like being fooled after asking specifics about them. People I date cannot keep trying to expose me to triggers I tell them are harmful to me, that cant work, makes my condition way worse, constantly eating up extreme stress and dealing with the aftermath trust issues the lack of care about me the other person is able to ignore or turn against me because it would make no sense to them and they arent willing to trust my experiences. Thats the only reason why I would ever have huge preferences for partners who are willing to work with me on safety and positivity, not against my condition.


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27 Apr 2022, 3:38 pm

My ASD interacts with my BPD and they become great friends plotting against me. This is where my life lack of success bring a ton of worries about my safety and my future, because I have no guarantees things will improve, so they affect a lot of decisions I need to make for my future, and I can't get over them until they are fixed, they constantly nag and nag and nag me more until i find an answer. If I have to go through social things and situations i havent been through before, it becomes crazy stressful, I literally lose my mind. There's this explosion of concerns that i dont know how i can deal with, and until i deal with each of them, I can only feel horrible. Sometimes trying to ignore or forget them works, but in such times as exposure with them and not wanting to say anything about them to others, rebring the worry on my mind, and it affects my mood in whatevers going on with others. I have learned to try to focus away on activities which are fun with a person which are my favorite things. The more positivity there is, the less there can be any messed up thoughts. Incidents can happen even as I'm having fun when a person says something and it triggers me, when i ask what was meant by it, and then i need multiple affection displays and then eventually the struggle and torture stops, and then I sometimes feel guilty like, what was i thinking, thats really not possible, thats so not what they are like. But a lot of my exes werent as kind as my fiance now, and they were extremely toxic people and those relationships are impossible for PwBPD because its so hurtful it's unimaginable and contributes to future issues.

There are big differences between people who try, and toxic people. Sometimes I actually feel normal, i never thought it would happen. To actually have peace, in general, and love, unless we argue. My past was really awful.


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27 Apr 2022, 3:58 pm

League_Girl wrote:
I think no one talks about it because it is stigmatized. I see so many overlaps between NPD and BPD. I am aware that not everyone with BPD is abusive but it is often associated with it because every person who has known someone with it has always been hurt by them. I am one of them. Plus on places like reddit and Twitter, I have actually seen them say how you are ableist if you do not tolerate them and they blame it on you if you are hurt by them. They take no accountability for their actions. I guess it's easier to be a victim and blame them than taking accountability. And they wonder why their condition is stigmatized?

I think the difference between blaming it "on you" and seeing what you mightve done wrong in dealing with it, if you can accept you have 50% of blame in a relationship and be humble enough, is a difference worth mention.

Some people with BPD would rather hurt themselves than hurt others in finding ways to cope with it, and are way less reactive than the general public, regardless of what they are struggling with in comparison, and are humble enough to accept responsibility.


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27 Apr 2022, 4:11 pm

People who specifically mess with my triggers I consider to step on my boundaries because thats like messing with my feelings, if they know what bothers me and do it. There are tons of people who don't realize this or try to play with me in ways that are stressful to me. I try to deal with it, but I can't say I'm glad about it or that it makes my life easier, or ties easier. I prefer people to act in serious ways towards me or to talk about things such as interests, interesting things.

Some people claim PwBPD need to be treated badly because it's the way, or "the cure". That's a lot of BS. It's one thing to have boundaries, say no, another to act out on a PwBPD.


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Last edited by Rexi on 27 Apr 2022, 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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27 Apr 2022, 4:17 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
As someone who is in their final academic year of a 2-years Masters degree programme in psychology & who has long had an interest in psychology and who also has a friend who has 'BPD', I will say the following.

- BPD is an often misunderstood disorder. It is also known as 'EUPD' (emotionally unstable personality disorder), which, whilst perhaps a slightly 'provocative' name to those who are emotionally sensitive, seems to me to be more revealing for those who aren't necessarily well versed in psychological terminology.

- BPD or 'EUPD' is often conflated with specific types of presentation of Autistic Spectrum Disorder and sometimes misdiagnosed as such, though the two can be 'co-morbid'.

- cPTSD is often similar to BPD in its presentation, but has key differences, such as cPTSD individuals being more likely to be able to compartmentalize difficult emotions or traumatic memories, whilst BPD individuals are more likely to 'carry them' consciously.

- Emptiness, an unstable self-image, feelings of detachment, occurences of isolated paranoia, dissociation, cognitive distortions and affective dysregulation are all tenets of a BPD presentation.

BPD people can sometimes appear 'psychopathic' in some of their behaviours', and depending on their level of intelligence, may or may not be self regulatory in these behavioural processes. However, in many instances, affective dysregulation, a lack of control of a persons responses to their environment, and a lack of inhibitory, cognitive processes, sometimes contributes towards dangerous or reckless behaviours, rather than necessarily being preceded by malicious intent.

Persons with BPD can be manipulative and in combination with distorted cognitive perceptions, they can be a fascinating case study in my view. (I realize talking about people with BPD as if they are lab rats might be considered 'offensive') - I'm just trying to be transparent here.

Symptom severity of individuals with BPD can vary, within a very short period of time and emotions may appear on the outside to be ephemeral.

Emotional 'outbursts' may seem paroxysmal in nature and often arise unexpectedly.

I think people don't talk much about it, because it is a complicated psychopathology & this is an Autism forum mostly, with only a sub-section for a discussion on this topic.

I think that the EUPD could better be explained as reactive mood swings. Mood swings are part of the diagnosis of BPD.


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16 May 2022, 8:44 am

MrsPeel wrote:
It's a travesty that kids can't get diagnosed with BPD until they're 18 (or sometimes even 21).

If the psychs understood the amount of time one spends in complete anxiety that ones offspring is going to go and kill herself...

Are they not aware of (a) the suicide rate amongst BPD sufferers, and (b) the importance of timely intervention and treatment tailored to their condition ????

It is so so wrong.


My daughter is 6 with suspected-BPD mum. She has daily emotional dys-regulation and experiences a lot of trauma from that.

Further, seeing how mum treats her, it feels like getting a front row seat to how BPDs are made.

I feel there's a good reason children so young aren't and shouldn't be clinically diagnosed BPD, Doctor Ramani did a good job addressing this in the analogous case of NPD.

However, we MUST get better at detecting and treating traits or genetic risk factors in children.

My daughter is young enough to especially benefit from early intervention. I am prepared to seek divorce and custody about two weeks from now. My daughter has a specialist clinical psychologist to address her needs.

I find the guidance in Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent to be particularly good on this subject as well.

I'm determined to get my daughter the help she needs, and try to keep her off that path.



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16 May 2022, 8:51 am

I didn't know jack about BPD until I noticed the match for my wife's behaviors, after 9 years married.

Now I've had a crash course.

I can't remain in the relationship and stay healthy.

My kids need at least one parent who reliably provides consistency, safety, and unconditional love, and my ability to do that inside this marriage is compromised by my wife's behaviors, beliefs and reactions.

Anyway..

One thing I note from reading a lot of community stories from family members of people with BPD, is that autistics are dramatically overrepresented in terms of getting caught in a relationship with a person who displays BPD behaviors.

This really needs closer scrutiny in future.



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16 May 2022, 9:22 am

Can someone clarify in two words what it means
Borderline Personality Disorder,
because I've read that too and didn't understand what it is.



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16 May 2022, 11:19 pm

Pauuulrich wrote:
Can someone clarify in two words what it means
Borderline Personality Disorder,
because I've read that too and didn't understand what it is.

With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.



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19 May 2022, 8:18 pm

It's really hard to talk about for reasons already listed here by others.

My mother is a BPD and a narcissist. The damage that she has done to me has taken me the past 20+ years to forgive her for, I have forgiven her but I cannot be around her.

I lived in mortal fear of being diagnosed with BPD because I didn't want to be anything like my mother. And I was so relieved to know that I only had ASD.

This probably wasn't the response you were hoping for, but dear God. My mother is willing to do and say anything to completely destroy anyone who calls her on her BS. So, I just don't play anymore. She can practice on her four gray walls.

TRAUMA Drama


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26 May 2022, 2:51 pm

TimS1980 wrote:
MrsPeel wrote:
It's a travesty that kids can't get diagnosed with BPD until they're 18 (or sometimes even 21).

If the psychs understood the amount of time one spends in complete anxiety that ones offspring is going to go and kill herself...

Are they not aware of (a) the suicide rate amongst BPD sufferers, and (b) the importance of timely intervention and treatment tailored to their condition ????

It is so so wrong.


My daughter is 6 with suspected-BPD mum. She has daily emotional dys-regulation and experiences a lot of trauma from that.

Further, seeing how mum treats her, it feels like getting a front row seat to how BPDs are made.

I feel there's a good reason children so young aren't and shouldn't be clinically diagnosed BPD, Doctor Ramani did a good job addressing this in the analogous case of NPD.

However, we MUST get better at detecting and treating traits or genetic risk factors in children.

My daughter is young enough to especially benefit from early intervention. I am prepared to seek divorce and custody about two weeks from now. My daughter has a specialist clinical psychologist to address her needs.

I find the guidance in Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent to be particularly good on this subject as well.

I'm determined to get my daughter the help she needs, and try to keep her off that path.

That's been a true concern of mine, because it gets worse when children arrive. So what I need in my life and not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents really hit hard, but due to my bpd chameleonic nature I would ruin my own life for love. Some people don't want to understand. And if i cant have my disease under control, it really worries me, because I dont have to think about myself but the person who will be likely ready to leave my side.

I need that focus to be on me, especially from myself, I don't want to be held down even more, or else I feel like it will be hell for everyone and that's not a way to live. I want to do good and set myself for success the best I can.

I'm not particularly successful, paying child support after a divorce would be even more debilitating for me in life. While others have families with money to back them up and jobs and good schools.

The downsides with emotional dimensions of life in general are neverending. My life was not good enough to prepare me for itself. I am however, internally, the opposite of narcs. No extremes are better, but some say narcs have an easier life because of shallower emotions. But even if they enjoy it, it's not particularly beneficial sometimes.

From an external point of view, I'm treated like I'm evil, so, does it really matter if I feel so much and deeply. If I'm insane, then it doesn't matter what I feel.


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