I have agoraphobia. Anyone else?

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I've had therapy sessions for this but it didn't really work, as I missed a few sessions because of my sleep trouble and needing more sleep in the morning so having to cancel some appointments to catch up on lost sleep.

During the therapy sessions I did attend, the therapist was helpful and all that but a lot of bad situations have happened to me in public over the last 13 years that are small and stupid to some people but are just contributing factors to anxiety for me, so I really need to have like 3 consecutive hours a week of therapy to get to the bottom of everything unique that has ever happened to me in public (as my brain can't forget it) and really come up with answers to it all that is a fair balance between reality and compassion; not too pragmatic but not too clichéd. Just lots and lots of intense therapy.

People bang on about exposure but that never works for me. I used to always go out in public even when agoraphobic but the more I went out in public the more anxious I became, and it only took one woman to stare at me that made me want to go home and hide away. I feel safe and happy indoors where nobody can see me or judge me.

I did join an online support group on this but I found that just made my anxiety WORSE, so I quit. I thought people there would be more understanding but they just gave unsolicited responses that weren't helpful and just increased my anxiety about going out even more.

I just feel angry at myself because all this began when I was 19 and I thought after all this time I would have grown out of it (not saying agoraphobia is immature or anything, I'm just saying that people change as they get older and I thought I would). But it seems to have gotten worse, especially since lockdown. I don't even get buses alone any more, and from about the age of 17 to about 28 I practically lived on buses (not literally, I just got on buses a lot and was very confident even though I was still self-conscious and socially anxious).

I had something similar where I just only wanted to be at home and play video games or do other projects when I was a teenager.
Probably due to bad experiences.

i like to be awake at night so i can go out with no one around

I get even more scared going out at night because I don't like the drunks and druggies and obnoxious teens that lurk about. My city is renowned for such crime at night and people are advised not to walk out alone at night.

If this were 14 years ago, maybe. I was 14, going 15. And yes it's due to negative experiences.

At that age, I quit going to school, stayed at the room, online for over 15 hours a day in the internet, and that lasted for at least 2 years.

Except reckless and angier.
And having thoughts of solving fears and anxieties in a violent way instead of avoiding.


Today, I cannot relate.
But still have the same thoughts of solving 'fear' if it ever comes up. With perpetrators acting upon perpetrating as a chance and 'reason' for me to do violence.

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I hate when people tell me that exposing myself to the outdoors will cure me. No, it doesn't necessarily work like that. I used to walk to work every day but felt anxious about it every time I left the front door, and it didn't lessen the agoraphobia.

I think exposure therapy only works for some people depending on the cause of their agoraphobia and what triggers it. For me the cause of agoraphobia is past experiences (such as bullying and being singled out or targeted by strangers) and having scopophobia. Each time I feel or catch another female or child staring at me it sets me back. Exposing myself to judgement does not make me become immune to scopophobia. I've been having this issue for years even though I used to always go out. It never cured me. It just exposed me more to situations I feared, which then fed my agoraphobia.

And since 2020 when the lockdowns began I have lost my confidence even more. Since then the buses have changed and my favourite stores have closed down.

If I have been on annual leave from work and haven't been out for a few days I know that I have to get some fresh air and exercise, so I usually take one of my pet rats out with me (the one that is very tamed and not nervous as long as he's in my arms). This distracts me from my anxieties, and when people pass they actually have something to look at so I don't mind them looking. They either smile or look away. People like animals, so when you have an animal with you (even if it's unusual) that causes me less anxiety when people look at me. Don't ask why, but it works.

Also people engage in this behaviour, sometimes in public:

One of the most insidious and damaging of the behaviors of the emotional abuser is the “crazy”-making behavior. Not only does the emotional abuser often accuse his victim of literally being “crazy” or gaslight to try to trick the abused into thinking she must be “crazy,” but he actually uses what we call “crazy”-making behaviors, which have the same effect.

“Crazy”-making is not necessarily conscious on the part of the emotional abuser, but it is often very effective in intimidating the recipient into wondering where she or he may find the logic—where might she or he do something practical that will offer solutions to the problems in this relationship. As we can see here, however, problem solving is not really an option with “crazy”-making. No, the emotional abuser, like any other abuser, wants control, not solutions.


That is why you should be wearing what they want (some mothers like mine), you should be of a certain belief, and you should be like them, otherwise, you're "crazy."

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One Dr told me I had agoraphobia and not Asperger's. I don't like being around people. People have always criticized me everywhere I go because I'm not social. Even working for USAF people were like that. People are nasty.

Today when I was in the car at traffic lights I saw this man walking fast with stiff arms and shouting, singing and laughing manically to himself. Now that's enough to draw attention. You've got to sort of look at him because you don't quite know what he's capable of doing, and also it's quite entertaining to people. But me walking along, a female (in this country females aren't so renowned for raping, mugging or murdering random people in the street, unless they're in a gang but not so much when they're on their own), who always goes out looking presentable (not looking like an unkempt ''crazy cat lady'' sort of image), and not stimming with my hands or talking to myself or laughing manically or anything else that catches attention, I don't really expect to have any stares at all. I mean if you were in a passing car and you saw a lady walking along looking or acting no different to any other lady walking along, just minding her business and not doing anything to attract attention, would you go ''oh look at that weird lady, she looks really weird''? Or would I just be one out of a thousand others? This guy I saw today, however, did stand out and I thought he was speeding up his walk to pounce on another pedestrian or something. I'm not saying people who walk fast are worthy of attention, because I see lots of people walking fast, but because he was being manic as well as walking fast then it made me feel more uneasy.

I have agoraphobia too and need to take meds (benzos) before I leave the house. (and i'm seriously lucky to have a dr. who will prescribe that). Otherwise I may get into a panic and decide to skip on something important. (or panic while out - not fun)

Exposure doesn't work for me either. I went to university for 7 years, and I was just as terrified on the last day as on the first. (or sometimes MORE - I feel that people, classmates etc have more experience of me and so hate me more at the end vs a "clean slate" on day one.) But therapists and people in general believe so strongly in exposure for anything and everything, I dont think they believe me, or they think i'm lazy or did it wrong. This is one of the reasons I've refused therapy for years.

Mine is based more around the presence, or potential presence, of other people. For example I can drive to the park and go on an isolated walk in nature, but I cannot walk down my street because there are sometimes cars and people in the houses who could potentially look out the window and see me. I feel very vulnerable and "on display," and have dissociated even when just going to the mail box.

It sucks.

I've not read all this thread but a thought did cross my mind about this.

If you have agoraphobia and you are managing to go out and work and live your life (even though it is difficult) then you might be seen as a "functioning agoraphobic".