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ornitier08
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21 Mar 2023, 12:26 pm

my dr.s dont know what to do with me; they had to stop uping my does becuase of the inverse effect it was having; im chronically suicidal no matter what treatment is forced on me, i constnatly throughout my days attempt and self harm, cutting burning or picking at wounds until i collapse from mental angusish exhaustion
7 years of talking about it yield nothing only a slow worsening. i am chronically suicidal without a peace way out to the point of burdening docts who just can't figure me out;
i been excluded from every place



RandoNLD
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21 Mar 2023, 10:11 pm

You can call 988 for 24/7 help or https://samaritanshope.org/our-services/24-7-helpline/



ornitier08
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22 Mar 2023, 11:25 am

that answers that question; no where and dead.
honestly did you think i don't know about that? why toss it around like candy?



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22 Mar 2023, 11:36 am

ornitier08 wrote:
that answers that question; no where and dead.
honestly did you think i don't know about that? why toss it around like candy?


Unless you are a trained professional , talking to suicidal people about suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to do as most people are scared of saying the wrong thing. Don't be too harsh on people who suggest suicide helplines, it's the only sensible advice they have.

I have been suicidal for decades, I think about it daily. I have learned to accept it's part of my personality, and I am unlikely to change. I have no advice for you but wanted to post to let you know I hear you and I hope things change for you.

Edit: I forgot to say, this is a good a place as any to belong.


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bee33
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28 Mar 2023, 6:58 am

I would say keep looking for a therapist until you find one who understands you and who you feel comfortable with. A therapist can't provide medications, which you say have not worked for you anyway, but it can be a relief to talk to someone who listens and hears you.

Also, you are not a burden to doctors. It's their job to help their patients.



MatchboxVagabond
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28 Mar 2023, 12:37 pm

Recidivist wrote:
ornitier08 wrote:
that answers that question; no where and dead.
honestly did you think i don't know about that? why toss it around like candy?


Unless you are a trained professional , talking to suicidal people about suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to do as most people are scared of saying the wrong thing. Don't be too harsh on people who suggest suicide helplines, it's the only sensible advice they have.

I have been suicidal for decades, I think about it daily. I have learned to accept it's part of my personality, and I am unlikely to change. I have no advice for you but wanted to post to let you know I hear you and I hope things change for you.

Edit: I forgot to say, this is a good a place as any to belong.


I agree, the next best thing is to physically walk them to somebody who knows what they're doing. I've done that and it's not super fun, but more pleasant than getting to wonder if you were the last shot at preventing the death and blew it. Which is not a fun feeling.

That being said, feeling and being suicidal are completely different matters. I get the "call of the void" whenever I'm standing on a bridge, it doesn't mean that I want to jump, or that I've lost the will to live, it's that I'm susceptible to a named neurological phenomenon. I just make sure to take as many steps back as I can without falling over the other side of the bridge. There's also the issue of the pink elephant thinking where you're trying not to think of ending it, so that's all your brain wants to think of.

The thing though is that only a qualified mental health professional is going to be of any real use beyond just generic, don't do it, life is too valuable, call a prevention line or get a mental health professional's assistance. Which isn't inherently bad advice, it's just unlikely to actually do anything to improve the situation.

Ultimately, anything other than treatment from a qualified and competent mental health profiessional is likely to make a difference here.



martian_gondolier
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28 Mar 2023, 6:05 pm

I wouldn't classify my feelings as ever being suicidal, but I have very much struggled with feeling like a burden and that no one understands me. Or that people are too boring to bother with. That life is too difficult. I've been reading Oliver Sacks lately, and that makes me feel better. Sometimes writing makes me feel better. I've developed the attitude that I don't know what lies beyond this plane of existence, but I'm going to hang around this one indefinitely, because I don't really know what the other options are at this point. A silver lining I have found is that living a difficult and at times traumatizing life has given me this sense of perspective I can appreciate at times. I try to retain a sense of adventure and wonder about the world.

I don't know you well enough to give you a specific answer about where you belong, other than to say that I think belonging can be a very transient feeling. It's important not to get caught up in the idea that the moment we are currently in is forever, though it might feel that way. Are you very good at seeing the big picture? I think I'm terrible at it. Sometimes pleasurable sensory experiences help.

Are there other versions of you? Are they all burdened and suicidal? Do you experience fluctuation in those feelings? I think journaling helps with parsing that sort of thing out. I feel incredibly lonely though. Do you feel much of that? I like to imagine it's temporary. Oliver Sacks didn't find the sort of love and companionship he was looking for until he was 77. I think my own access to that sort of thing comes and goes.

I recommend making some groundbreaking scientific discovery that changes the world for the better and clarifies our understanding of consciousness. We could use one of those.



martian_gondolier
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28 Mar 2023, 6:27 pm

ornitier08 wrote:
my dr.s dont know what to do with me; they had to stop uping my does becuase of the inverse effect it was having; im chronically suicidal no matter what treatment is forced on me, i constnatly throughout my days attempt and self harm, cutting burning or picking at wounds until i collapse from mental angusish exhaustion
7 years of talking about it yield nothing only a slow worsening. i am chronically suicidal without a peace way out to the point of burdening docts who just can't figure me out;
i been excluded from every place


I realize my first post was mostly about me and didn't really address the specifics of your original post. I would try to take a step back and think about your situation clinically. I'm very curious about your treatment regimen, as far as what specific meds you're on, for what, and what specific side effects you experience from them. If that's the sort of thing you're comfortable sharing. I think a lot of us have probably dealt with that whole thing. My God. I feel like I'm a different person every day, and that I am at the whim of mysterious chemical and perhaps sometimes mystical forces. Do you ever look at your life in a religious or philosophical context? I think that can be interesting sometimes.

Could you gain more control over your treatment? It sounds like you're unhappy with your level of control. Maybe you could make progress in that particular area. Do you ever create art?

Most people are going to be scared to respond to you after you mention suicidal tendencies, probably. You'll get timid and formulaic responses. Like someone else said. But if you're more specific in why you think you feel suicidal or otherwise troubled other people might feel more comfortable responding.

What do you mean when you say you've been excluded from every place? I recently got rejected by a therapist for the first time, and I don't think I've quite recovered from that. She basically told me I was too serious a case for her to handle. Which was not the right way for her to describe it, and she should have been more proactive about helping me find alternative treatment. Sometimes it's good to remember that medical professionals make mistakes, and lots of them really aren't great at their jobs. Especially the neurotypical, privileged ones. I try to seek out the ones who are open about being damaged and struggling themselves. Even better, if they've been there and found a way to overcome it.



autisticelders
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29 Mar 2023, 7:33 pm

after 3 different therapists, I found out "talk therapy" was not helping. Digging at old painful emotional experiences and situations only made me cry. "how does that make you feel" a hundred times and me weeping and saying "I don't know" did not help anything!

I finally found a therapist who was able to reach me and explain the "whys" behind the sadness and emotional pain. He found the best way to help me was through reading and writing. That was a breakthrough.

I was given "assignments" to read and discuss, things to write about, and that helped tremendously. This may work for you. If "talk" doesn't do it, ask for lessons on how to communicate in healthy self assertive ways, lessons in any other problem you notice you are having, with self image, with anger, with family structure and dynamics, with job or school, with others in different situations.... social anxiety?

Don't give up on therapy, keep looking for somebody who "gets" you and don't be afraid to try hard to learn new ways to "do life".

I had to have somebody explain that I had grown up with a sick family and learned sick behavior patterns. I had to learn that I had lots of choices in the way I behaved and responded in every single interaction with others. Once I was able to understand that, and learn new techniques for interacting, the burden began to lift.

There are endless combinations of drugs available for depression and anxiety today with more coming on the market all the time. If you can get a doctor who actually listens to you and who knows their meds, you may be able to find the right one or ones in combo that will make all the difference for you. Its so hard to work through all that pain!

but the fight is worth it! getting therapy saved my life and my sanity.

I am hoping you don't give up. Keep trying, because there are lots of options out there and lots of ways to help yourself do better.

Speaking up here is good, keep speaking up and reaching out until you find the things that will work for you.

Been there, one of my adult kids too, this stuff runs in my family as far back generation wise as I can trace it (late 1700s) There is more help now than ever before. Please don't quit trying.


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colliegrace
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30 Mar 2023, 7:53 pm

I'm not actively suicidal, but I have multiple mental illnesses and it's hard to want to keep on living in this world. I think the last time I was actually any sort of mentally well was 2019. I don't think I'll ever truly be ok again.
If meds don't help for you (some people are med resistant), a good therapist might. You may have to shop around for a good one, and you can switch therapists easily if you don't like the one you have.

I know it's not that easy, and it takes time. If you need a place to belong, like others said, here is as good as any. You're in good company.


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Also diagnosed with: seasonal depression, anxiety, OCD


MatchboxVagabond
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31 Mar 2023, 3:52 pm

colliegrace wrote:
I'm not actively suicidal, but I have multiple mental illnesses and it's hard to want to keep on living in this world. I think the last time I was actually any sort of mentally well was 2019. I don't think I'll ever truly be ok again.
If meds don't help for you (some people are med resistant), a good therapist might. You may have to shop around for a good one, and you can switch therapists easily if you don't like the one you have.

I know it's not that easy, and it takes time. If you need a place to belong, like others said, here is as good as any. You're in good company.


Yes, folks around here seem to be pretty warm and friendly, but in a good way. I usually find that kind of thing to be very patronizing and smothering, but it's different here. Nobody has to post anything if they don't want to, and I get the feeling that if there isn't a response because I can't figure out an appropriate one, or one at all, that people understand that.