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Off my medication. I have been on one. The other ran out. I think it's causing issues. I'm having mood swings. I'm having a good day and then suddenly I'm not. Got so upset relatives wanted to get me in to the hospital. I got upset because I couldn't find something. I started screaming about it. I've been doing things I shouldn't. I've started having moments where I can't speak properly and just repeat weird phrases. I've started making people annoyed because I start spinning in circles a lot. I've been waking up feeling anxious. I can't sleep with the lights off and sometimes I'm just so scared I can't go to bed at all. I don't really know what to do. I struggle with being able to talk about what I need to people.

Escape..........

More conditions that are mistaken for mental health disorders.


Since I'm approaching my next layer to process and solve, my hypothesis over myself is indeed a complicated medical need.
Just as if not more systematic than just being hormonal.

So yeah, maybe trying to track and treat myself with twice the major factor could finally help me manage whatever this is.

Not that I'm advising anyone to do the same.
Just declaring my next step.

It could be mental health issue, it could be a consequence since toodlerhood and being 'sensitive', it could be something congenital.

Regardless, it's a harder than hard thing to diagnose. But it somehow fits.
That maybe, just maybe, techniques as if managing the same stuff could help me.

Just like I tried techniques outside autism and neurodivergence in hopes that it could finally help me.

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Bio identical hormones did help me ..make it through menopause....used them further and further apart .
But on crummy days ..might use them for a few days..till feeling , alittle more Okay.

I like wearing my sadness sometimes

She's heavy like black velvet and strangely comfortable

It's the most beautiful thing

It's like breathing under water

I don't feel awful.
I don't feel good either.

I'm not numb either.
Nor I don't feel nothing, not really.

Just neutral.
True neutral.

Like nothing neutral.
Not hollow or missing something.

Just utterly boring neutral.
Now that there's no pendulum that's swings, I'm still figuring how I can function this way.

Well... It's not devoid of pleasure or pain.
Just... Nothing.

Like...
I "can basically just rest in peace this way" nothing. Yet at the same time, do not feel pointlessness or depair.

Not that "I want to rest in peace not dealing with it" nothing.
Yet it's "I'm waiting for something to happen" nothing and it happening is completely optional. Or, "is this it? That's it??"

Like... You know the feeling of finishing the game? And see that everything is optional?
That feeling. Not a mindset, not a perspective exercise, not even a revelation but a constant fact sewn into your perception.

It is because my then lifelong goal since I was 6 has finally come true, which is about myself.

And I don't feel like playing another level.
Not yet, anyway.

Or maybe it's a calm before a storm.
Who knows?

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Congadulations on making it through another level...?

Yeah, thanks.
And this level is boring.

Like...
Any adverse emotions are quickly solved, quickly forgave, quickly processed and done.

And the ego is just a barking messenger of self preservation, just as optional to listen to.

Like... I don't need to deliberately practice self forgiveness and asking for forgiveness itself.

No maintenance, no medications, no dietary changes, no external habit to keep up...
.. Thus no fear that it will suddenly 'undone' if I did or didn't do something...

Not even eating the 'wrong things', or not sleeping for few days because I don't feel like it unlike before.
That's something I've yet to rectify because I like the idea of self optimization, but my habits remained unchanged...


Just genuine inner change.
My reactions are very different.


I just don't know what to do with it.
All I've read about such state is upon a mastery; like in careers.
That 99% is based on that one goal and 1% is letting it all go like I did.

I already did that supposedly final 1%.
What is my 99%? I hadn't built a career, I barely learnt something new except everything of what just doesn't work or do not work out for me...


I guess the only thing for me to try and figure is the cognition itself.
Not the mind as a whole, but cognition. Because it went unreliable since I've been working, encumbered by having too many feelings.

Hmmm ...
I'm not going to spend my entire 30s like I did with my whole 20s undoing unwanted emotionality crap. I want something that will put me into a place of permanent growth...

I wonder if this is like working out; like how the body can remember...
Can the mind remember the mental prowess I possessed when I was younger? Or do I have to start from scratch?

All I can remember as a kid is that I have habits that do not permit or even suggest limiting. It's a mix of over reliance on super focus and hyperindependence.

I still do to this day.
Residual habit of trying to ignore my sensitivities and needs, believing to be better than everyone by lasting longer and getting everything more...

No subtle moderation, which is something I've yet to learn well...


Maybe that's my 99%??
Meta-doing it all backwards anyone?


OR --- ! !! The only hints I get is from accounts about CPTSD post healing;


That this is akin to the reaction towards healing.
For being too used to the pendulum and chaotic waves for so long, that stable is utterly boring... All the time spent doing damage control and suddenly I don't.

So basically; habits and acquisitions all over again.
That I may even out better with time and development actual skills vs just coping skills.

Unlearning unwanted coping skills, unlearning the crap built around it, learning skills that will actually progress me into growing, learning to build stuff that do matter to me and do reflect my priorities in reality.

Like I've been saying since taking BCPs for the first few days; I would need to learn how to function this way now that there's no hidden internal force is swaying me in different directions...

And it does take a while.
Doesn't help that I've dealt with boredom too often. Maybe feeling bored is a habit, maybe not.

Lots to untangle.
But nothing as distressing or gigantic as the ones I've solved before.

Resensitization and the phase to start appreciating the mundane and small simple things, some do say.
It's something I've never did as a kid, but it's a direction I'm drawn to go at my age...

Those who are, well, past this phase after safety and security would be regaining curiosity...

... Which is in line with what I have planned someday.
... Which is something I'll be looking forward to.


Some can mistake this as some another depressive state or mourning state.
But I knew myself enough that's not the case. Since I've already described the feeling of true neutral nothing...

Just have to past this level.
Boring level.

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It's mad living in tandem with myself

I don't notice it most of the time because it's just normal but then all of a sudden it's like I can see myself seeing myself

A bit disconcerting to be honest

Just a thought Bubble: from a older Japanese Haiku , I found a long while back.

" For just a moment as I was observing a lovely coloured Butterfly.But just for a moment .I could not tell if , I were watchong the Lovely Butterfly observing me ....or ....if it was Myself as the Lovely Butterfly for a moment, observing me
( not sure about the translation)

Thank you Jakki that was really nice

I like feeling empty

RSD is a big thing lately

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy?

Yeah I know...but not spelling it out is a bit lazy.