Obsesive Compulsive Thinking - but i love doing it!

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I didnt know where else to put this so i put it here. Lets just say i came to this site after searching google for "i dont feel human", ie i feel as different as different gets. The only problem is im completely comfortable being weird and contemplating idea upon idea from philosophy to sports. I just LOVE to think people always tell me your thinking too much. For what its worth ive been called so many different things by so many different people and psychiatrists i must have every mental disorder the dsm has a name for. First it was depression, then it became bi-polar, then personality disorder, than manic then delusions because the planet earth is a delusion at least according to my therapist. Society loves placing labels on people but its always been my thoughts alone and only my thoughts that always seem to get me into trouble. I was prescribed medication, a majority of it was on abilify but the drug made me so sleepy i couldn't even stay awake at work regardless of how much sleep i got the night before or how much caffeinated drinks i had. I also found driving my car became almost impossible on abilify as i could barely stay awake if i was stationary for more than 30 minutes. However once i stopped taking it was like night and day i became able to function again at work without falling asleep. However i found once i was labeled as bi-polar or as i call it the "thinking too much is bad for the brain because you might become too smart disorder", the label became almost impossible to get rid of. To be even considered in anyway mentally different seems to be a very bad thing in society. Interacting with people i know sometimes becomes increasingly difficult. Almost any disagreement i have or even opinion even in vocal communication people have found it easy to just say agree with me or im gonna call the cops and have them arrest you because your crazy for not agreeing with me. My brothers girlfriend even accused me of looking too 'manic' once, heh i guess it was the express for men polo shirt i was wearing at the time maybe ehh sheesh. Like i said now that i have this label its like i have to go through society now looking over my shoulder fearing people yelling 'crazy' in my direction. Almost everything i did became bi-polar crazy from walking down the hallway to fast or bending my head one fourth inch in the wrong direction. How is that one can "look" crazy, is that how it is now in society you can be condemned for looking too crazy? What is this the Salem which trials all over again if someone doesn't like me i get the straight jacket?

Like i said its always been my thoughts that have given me this label. One would say well then it was your thoughts then it must have been some bad thoughts. Well if bad thoughts include massive amounts of philosophy, math, and science regardless of how crazy they are than yeah thats what got me in trouble. But now that i have this stigma it seems almost impossible to remove i feel like an invalid person. The funny thing is people get mad and complain when i dont talk yet when i do they almost seem to become immediately offended then comes that good old crazy label again. Feels like being trapped in sociological quicksand. I find it funny that my pg-rated non vulgar thoughts can have people running for their baseball bats and straight jackets after me. Medication may zonk me out but it wont rewrite my syntax and make me a different person like everyone hopes it will. Like i said these are just THOUGHTS but yet everyone thinks since if i say i believe in 'god' but that its just not the god of any of the world religions or even new age beliefs then im insane in the membrane. For whats its worth im 28 without any sort of violent history what so ever yet im still expected to go rambo at some point, ehhh can someone hit me with a stupid stick now. Im a five foot four inch tall loopy white guy that can barley lift 75 pounds a child could kick my butt.

Yes i am an outcast due to my problems but i dont care at least i have my mind to play with. As an outcast in my spare time its not video games or basket-weaving i take part in but deep philosophical thought almost all the time when im free.

My dog seems to be fine with me being crazy but for some reason people arent.

Its so easy to become labeled this way though and people seem to be drooling at the mouth at times to call the po po because of crazy old me is reading plato again geeze ok thanks for the input can i get back to being crazy now?

Yes i was committed once for trespassing of all things, dang those crack smoking illegal migrant farm workers able to call the entire city police department on me for getting myself locked in a farmers shed out in the boonies in the middle of the night. But after being overdosed on ativan and hospitalized in less than three days buy the good old helpful st. Joseph's, even the doctor at the hospital said i had way too much ativan in my system. I guess the person that said if i didnt take all those pills i was going to have them forced on me anyway must have been new on the job that day i take it. For that hospital visit i will die before i ever take the advice of any mental health professional ever again well unless they force me to it will probably happen eventually but i guess i better enjoy life before i say one to many big words in a row again and have someone call the cops on me like im some sort of jihad terrorist. Im sorry im not gonna take one for the team and spend the rest of my life being forced a cocktail of drugs that eventually cause things like diabetes and even death. My life is not worth someones ego.

Its just frustrating that THOUGHTS can get you into so much trouble. Can i just shoot myself to mars in a rocket and read philosophy for the rest of my life without a mess of psychiatrists trying to hump my leg?

Yes im different yes i think weird things but they are THOUGHTS unless you can read my mind stop assuming you know everything that goes on my head. If the cure for cancer was contained inside a 'crazy' thought then i guess it would never be cured then.

God i would have been beheaded in so many 3rd world countries by now for being so odd.

Society has tought me to keep your mouth shut for fear of appearing too smart or you might scare the 'normals' into thinking too much along with you. And god knows people hate to think because assumption is the way to go! Because we all know humans have been so correct about everything since civilized man became so dumb over ten thousand years ago.

A crazy thought can get you into more trouble than any other crime at least if you push all the right 'crazy' buttons in peoples perceptions.

I guess by reading this you would assume i am crazy or unbalanced or whatever. But this is me ive been this way my entire life i dont want to change and for the matter is i cant unless im given a frontal lobotomy. I fully expect to die in a mental hospital just for my thoughts sometime in my life but i might as well live it up in the meantime!

All i can do is prey that world peace happens and people become more tolerant of people with big spooky crazy thoughts.

If my thoughts alone make peoples lives im around so difficult that they cant even function i would rather be euthanized than committed. Being locked up to me is no way to live and would for me be a fate worse than death.

If you are sensing some anger in this post you better believe it. Some of us are doomed for life as i feel i am but not because of any action i will ever take but my thoughts alone. No i dont go telling my thoughts to random strangers only people i am close too and only if they ask me. I can function just like the rest of society when im in public. What i think about in my head is no ones business but mine. I know most wont agree with me but this is my life, my body, my mind let me do what i want with those things please its all i have left to hold on too. My brain is the most import thing i cherish even a million times more than my penis. My thoughts are the most beautiful thing to me in life because what i see i feel no one else is willing to out of fear of condemnation.

So I ask society please leave me alone and get back to your wars, death, and destruction because those are the sane things in life as being nice, loving, and peaceful are for us crazy people!

Good post.......I can't say my life is quite the same as that but I can relate to some of that. I mean I have not changed much over the years. Though when I was younger I did not realise how significant being different was......I figured it was normal to be picked on and hated all the time. I thought some day I would have some form of sucess(of course by the standards of socieity) and people would accept me. I figured I would change.....grow up to be normal lol. Well I am still the same and its kind of sunk in that if I start being open about what I really think about everything...I am f*cked. I mean the main thing that has changed since I was younger is now its getting to the point where I can't keep everything inside. At the age of 7 and up till now I was being careful what i said because I knew it would get me 'examined'....after a while I got to thinking maybe i could get help becoming more functional in society which is why I am in conseling right now. But its not like it makes any difference I mean my counseler says there are ways to change your thinking(I have severe depression so he's trying to 'cure' it). But come on how do you stay the same person if you 'change your thinking' I mean I don't really want to 'conform' anymore maybe its society with the damn problem.

I totally get what you feel, I think that lots of people here will relate... Being different and seeing the world differently than everyone else can get exhausting at times, people are often afraid of what they don't understand and want to change it. Don't let them. And labels are just words they in no way can define or change who you are... There is nothing wrong with thinking too much, it is the people that think too little that really worry me =)