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SomethingWitty
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21 Jan 2011, 6:52 pm

Im new here and after studying the forums a bit it seems like telling your story is kind of a rite of passage :lol: but not in a social NT way of course :twisted: So you better prepare yourself for a bit of a self-indulgent rant cause this post's a long'un! :P
I was diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of years back and at the time i fit the criteria for major depressive disorder. It was around the summer holidays after year 8 (or 8th grade) and after a year of EXTREME perfectionism ,i.e. Having to get the BEST grades, the BEST physical shape and the BEST social status, I just fell apart. I suffered a breakdown and this subsequently led to a lot of family therapy (there were a few issues with despondence and chaotic behaviour in the family) and a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. Surprisingly, i do not remember being depressed when i went about trying to perfect myself, in fact it was more of a trance-like state in which i felt i could conquer anything.
But anyway, Aspergers did indeed fit the bill and it answered a lot of the unanswered questions at the time but as time went on, and as i got more depressed, i started feeling empty and devoid of identity. I tried creating a new persona that encompassed everything I like about people which, of course, were all the traits i did not possess. :roll: I started obsessively researching serious mental disorders (such as schizophrenia) and morphed my new persona to fit its criteria.
I was self-loathing and despised my lack of talent and lack of artistic ability. Art is something i admire intensely but, unfortunately, cannot create anything worthwhile. My attendance was VERY patchy in year 9 and i was virtually a drop out in year 10. When those useless psychotherapist pill pushers did bugger all to help and the school was threatening exclusion, i attempted suicide by a paracetamol overdose. After going to sleep (and hoping not to wake up) i DID wake up and was incredibly frightened. I then looked online at the effects of paracetamol overdose and went into a panic. I told mum and was sent to hospital. I had had one suicide attempt before this but having no idea of what i was doing i thought five or six hayfever allergies would suffice. :lol:
After coming out the other side, i was asked if the attempt was planned. I said it was an act of impulse but ,evidently, that was a lie. I was pathologically lying about the silliest thing at this point, even about why i couldnt go out of the house to see friends. I became agoraphobic. But on some days i would suddenly be bouncy and would draw prolifically characters and images i liked. I am a human photocopier, not an enviable skill i know. xD

And i dont know if it matters or not, but after having a crush on another guy in my year (I am gay btw) I went insane. I deluded myself into thinking he loved me, developed wild fantasies and dared not look at him for fear of deteriorating his image, some Dorian Gray bull-crap. I couldnt help but make my feelings public and he picked up on this. I was humiliated and would even go as far as saying sexually abused during this time.

And so here I am today, in year 11, pouring my heart out to my fellow aspies/non-NTs xD. I know this is a long, soppy wall of text but i have removed as many non-essential bricks as possible and if you could read through it and offer advice, I would very much appreciate it.
Thanks :D



cro
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26 Jan 2011, 5:43 am

Borderline immediately comes to mind (random list of BPD symptoms).



zee
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27 Jan 2011, 2:35 pm

^^^
I can't help you much as I don't have any diagnosis myself. But if you're still in your teens, you're still developing, and wouldn't likely qualify for BPD--or any other personality disorder--if these are even still being diagnosed.

It sounds like you're trying really hard to find all the answers yourself--do you have a counsellor or anyone you can confide in?



SomethingWitty
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27 Jan 2011, 3:14 pm

I have a therapist at my local child and family clinic who was worried about my constant need for perfection and my anxiety levels. She said that there is a real possibility of another disorder and that she would book me an appointment with a psych (she isn't qualified to diagnose herself) but nothing came of it :( It's frustrating because, like you said, I am looking for something to explain my behaviour as Aspergers just doesn't cover it imo. When I looked at the BPD symptoms page, I immediately identified with a few but I have never self harmed and i'm unsure what a fear of abandonment means :P Thanks for the responses :D



jackbus01
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07 Feb 2011, 4:21 am

This has Borderline Personality written all over it.

"fear of abandonment" means going insane when you are deluded "into thinking he loved me, developed wild fantasies and dared not look at him for fear of deteriorating his image"
attempted suicide is a form of self-harm

Really, the important thing though is to find a therapist that can help you work through this, maybe at your local family clinic



zee
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07 Feb 2011, 4:14 pm

SomethingWitty wrote:
I have a therapist at my local child and family clinic who was worried about my constant need for perfection and my anxiety levels. She said that there is a real possibility of another disorder and that she would book me an appointment with a psych (she isn't qualified to diagnose herself) but nothing came of it :( It's frustrating because, like you said, I am looking for something to explain my behaviour as Aspergers just doesn't cover it imo. When I looked at the BPD symptoms page, I immediately identified with a few but I have never self harmed and i'm unsure what a fear of abandonment means :P Thanks for the responses :D


Well most Aspies definately have anxiety-related problems, I've found medication to be somewhat helpful with this, but this didn't happen till my late 20's (I'm 30). The important thing is that you do have someone to talk to, so just try your best to keep going. I know it's hard enough just being in your teens; so many things are already changing without the added stress of Aspergers & related issues. But do your best to get on a waiting list to see someone who can diagnose you, and just try to be patient. Good luck.



zee
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07 Feb 2011, 4:23 pm

jackbus01 wrote:
This has Borderline Personality written all over it.

"fear of abandonment" means going insane when you are deluded "into thinking he loved me, developed wild fantasies and dared not look at him for fear of deteriorating his image"
attempted suicide is a form of self-harm

Really, the important thing though is to find a therapist that can help you work through this, maybe at your local family clinic


Going insane and being madly in love with someone is not the same at all. Especially love at a young age, when you are just discovering your sexuality, it will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Of course Aspies will have an even harder time processing all this.
I'm not saying it's not serious--esp. if you are considering suicide--but that doesn't mean it's a personality disorder.



jackbus01
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07 Feb 2011, 11:58 pm

zee wrote:
jackbus01 wrote:
This has Borderline Personality written all over it.

"fear of abandonment" means going insane when you are deluded "into thinking he loved me, developed wild fantasies and dared not look at him for fear of deteriorating his image"
attempted suicide is a form of self-harm

Really, the important thing though is to find a therapist that can help you work through this, maybe at your local family clinic


Going insane and being madly in love with someone is not the same at all. Especially love at a young age, when you are just discovering your sexuality, it will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Of course Aspies will have an even harder time processing all this.
I'm not saying it's not serious--esp. if you are considering suicide--but that doesn't mean it's a personality disorder.


Okay, I have the courage to post here and say that you are right about this and that I need to stop with the armchair diagnosis. I was wrong to say this was "Borderline Personality". I do think she needs to find a therapist to help her though.



SomethingWitty
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08 Feb 2011, 12:46 pm

:lol: I'm actually a boy! I can understand the confusion though what with the crush on another guy.



jackbus01
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09 Feb 2011, 1:16 am

SomethingWitty wrote:
:lol: I'm actually a boy! I can understand the confusion though what with the crush on another guy.


Okay I was wrong twice over:
Wrong about "Borderline Personality"
and wrong about guessing gender when one is not explicitly stated. That, by the way, is why I prefer the usage of singular they.

Isn't it refreshing to see someone have the courage to admit when they are wrong?
I hope you are getting help for your issues though.



zee
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11 Feb 2011, 5:30 pm

jackbus01 wrote:
zee wrote:
jackbus01 wrote:
This has Borderline Personality written all over it.

"fear of abandonment" means going insane when you are deluded "into thinking he loved me, developed wild fantasies and dared not look at him for fear of deteriorating his image"
attempted suicide is a form of self-harm

Really, the important thing though is to find a therapist that can help you work through this, maybe at your local family clinic


Going insane and being madly in love with someone is not the same at all. Especially love at a young age, when you are just discovering your sexuality, it will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Of course Aspies will have an even harder time processing all this.
I'm not saying it's not serious--esp. if you are considering suicide--but that doesn't mean it's a personality disorder.


Okay, I have the courage to post here and say that you are right about this and that I need to stop with the armchair diagnosis. I was wrong to say this was "Borderline Personality". I do think she needs to find a therapist to help her though.


Thanks for saying that, I feel strongly about it b/c I can relate, but yes you're right about the therapist.



Deber
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13 Feb 2011, 5:10 pm

My daughter has been diagnosed with many disorders. Every psychiatrist she has seen has had their favorite disorder and would diagnose accordingly. My daughter is now an adult and gets assistance from a state program that uses a mental health clinic that doesn't pay the staff very much. The clinic has one psychiatrist position and it is usually held by a person just out of college or an older, retired person. Every time there is a staff change my daughter gets a new diagnosis, new meds, etc. It takes a good psychiatrist to look beyond their specialty.

I have been on the spectrum my entire life but did not get a correct diagnosis of HFA and Aspergers until 3 years ago. Even now my primary care MD refuses to accept that I have ASD and won't give me referrals to services that I know I would benefit from. A psychiatrist that I was referred to claims that I have adult ADHD and am not on the spectrum because her specialty is adult ADHD.

Sometimes it can be difficult to get a correct diagnosis because psychiatrists tend to have their favorite disorder. Question the diagnosis if the psychiatrist you are assigned comes up with a diagnosis that you feel doesn't fit. Being a teenager/young adult can make the sanest of people fit the criteria for some illnesses.

I'm glad that your diagnosis of Asperger's has helped you. I'm not doubting that the diagnosis was correct because the symptoms cover a very wide range. Look beyond what the criteria is in the medical books. I'm ranting about you getting a secondary diagnosis.