Suicide is Painless

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I'm so frustrated, the neurotypical world we live in has nothing to offer me. I hate people.
I hate those dumb f*****g idiot sheep who can't think for themselves.
I'm so angry. Full of rage really.
I'm tired of being ignored.
If I could press a button and kill them all, I would. Without hesitation.
Though I think in the end, I will not kill anyone. I'll just kill myself.
It's a whole lot simpler. Genocide is hard work.
To be clear: I don't want to die. But lately I've found myself thinking more and more about it.
Even found myself reading The Complete Manual of Suicide.
The violence of blowing my head off fits the amount of anger I have pent up inside.
But probably I'd opt for Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Pills almost always don't work.
Apparently getting in the way of a moving train has the highest success rate.
Or maybe I'll take the coward's way out, just start shooting up junk until I waste away.
Never tried heroin, but seems like it's the most destructive.
God I hate this world.

Hi,
I got in trouble for saying what you just said at school, about the genocide thing. They got me assessed then kicked me out. I'mquite nice actually.

Don't you like things like trees and some animals and stuff, they are pretty.

Sometimes its really tough and annoying and tough and tougher and even more irritating and even more and more and more, it feels like all hope is being violently squeezed out of you,and then one day out of nowhere its nice.

To be clear, I am non-violent to then extreme. I kicked a plastic garbage can once.
That's the extent of my violent activities.
I feel for the poor spider stuck in the toilet bowl!
I'm just afraid that I wont have a choice but to redirect that anger towards myself.
I don't want to die. But the intensity of the emotional pain I am plagued with leaves very little options.
Yes, I like a lot of thing, matter of fact I LOVE with a passion many many things.
But the human body can't live on love. And what I love the most is denied by my crappy lot in life.
To know who you are, what you love, what you want to do with your life,
and NOT be able to have it is a source of endless pain.
I am not confused. I am just suffering. I feel weaker and crazier with every passing year.
I used to have mild depressive episodes and extremely productive hypomania (bipolar 2),
but now I have severe depressive episodes and very painful dysphoric manic episodes.

Carbon monoxide looks painful to me.

I am angry about a number of things and it increases and decreases. I mean, the job front is terrible.

Have you thought about political activism? And a lot of it can be writing your own stuff on the Internet. I got involved in the anti-war movement to the First Gulf War way back in 1990-'91 (yes we lost, yes, I know the war was popular, but straight up, if a person supports that war, he or she is just plain wrong) Now, that anti-war movement had just as much hierarchy and group status as any other group. And that part was very disappointing and it hurt me a lot. I wish it was different, but I'm willing to be honest and lay it on the table.

At 25, I think you're at a difficult age. You probably know a lot and could contribute in a number of ways, but the social climate unfairly and stupidly bars you. The job thing is pathetic, way different than it should be, we all lose a lot in that regard.

I don't care if they all kill each other in war. Let the dumb f***s rip themselves apart.
Yes, every and all things are governed by a group/click mentality, and driven by the neurotypical instincts.
We're not equipped to compete in their game. It would be like wanting to run a marathon with no legs.
And it IS a game. That's all they f*****g do is play social games.
They're so fake, so transparent, so ugly and disgusting.
Real talent and knowhow is NOT respected and wanted, instead it is seen as a threat.
And they'll do anything to trample you. To destroy your chances.
The only stat that counts is charisma. Sociopathy and sadism are a close second.
Oh and I'm not 25, at 25 I still had hopes and dreams. Now at 33, I'm the shadow of what I thought I would be.
I am nothing. I am a ghost.
I got fired from every job I had because I do NOT take s**t from anyone. If my direct "superior" (see even their language is dumb as s**t, a manager is NOT superior to an engineer, he just has a different job) tries to discipline me for my "strange" behavior then I tell him to his face, there and then, that he's a condescending as*hole, and that he should be doing his job instead of obsessing over my every little move. Et cetera.

This is pretty close to how I feel......I am not currently feeling suicidal, I am having a difficult time to resist the temptation of drugs in excess to speed up the process but so far have not given into that. But yeah I cannot play the game so I am stuck thinking about everything that is wrong in the world and then feeling pretty much helpless to actually do anything about any of it. I do not recommend suicide however, I think its better to try and find other ways to relieve feelings and such.

I agree with that 100%. And the things we are good at, like writing, music, entrepreneurship, tend to be the long-shot things. And so-called "supervisors" and "managers" pick up that we're smarter than they are (in some ways) and the idiots among them---meaning 2/3's of them or more!---view us as a threat and wage war and fight dirty against us. And I royally hate that s**t, it sounds a whole lot like you do, too. I have acquired some skills of self-defense, but still not near enough.

I would like the chance to pitch you on H&R Block. At times, it can be deliciously subversive, simply by telling your clients the truth! I mean, the effing job only lasts 5 weeks so a you might as well be ethical! And neither you nor anyone else is going to make the bonus anyway, except maybe the ten year people and only some of them at that. Controlled chaos, more angry customers than any other business than I've ever seen.

I do not recommend drugs, they are a quick and temporary fix. All drugs begin to cause more pain than pleasure/relief after a while, sometimes a very short while. As Baudelaire said: what opium (or any drug) gives you with its right hand, it takes away with the left. They can be useful in small doses, to make you see the world different. I could ramble on but it's pretty much impossible to teach someone to steer clear of drug abuse, it's one of those things you have to experience for yourself. Pain is a great teacher.



This resumes it perfect. Powerlessness leads to frustration and anxiety, which leads to no good.
I hope the stars shine brighter for you. Young adulthood is a pretty harsh place to live for us.



Yes! When we're good at something we tend to be exceptional, thank our single-mindedness and extreme capacity for hard word and focus. But they're usually "smarter" than us in the social games, politics, reputation building, BS, lying, selling ice cubes to the Inuit, et cetera.
I doubt we're capable of really fighting fire with fire here. The self-defense I built is more like a shell, and I tend to get real aggressive when I feel I'm the victim of an injustice. And that's a lot of the time. So I isolate myself. But that just makes me feel resigned and depressed. Yeah, we love our alone time, but I also think we long for genuine meaningful relations with others. Neurotypicals are in want to offer us that, and our small numbers mean that we're too sparse to meet others like us (in meatspace I mean, thank god for the internet).
I wonder what an extra decade and some has brought you wisdom-wise, and if I can look to a calmer and brighter (what a strange colloquialism, I hate bright stuff, the sun, neon lights, halogens, but yeah, I'm rambling) future.



That does sound very delicious indeed! "Yeah, no, I would not buy this house if I were you. The septic tank is cracked and when it rains it smells like feces and urine. There's also a family of skunks that live in the toolshed in the backyard. Oh! Before I forget, the last owners, a very nice and pretty little family they were, well, they all got murdered, cut to pieces and buried in the yard. And they never found the killer. Just FYI. So, ready to make an offer?"

Well I do not recommend drug abuse for myself either, but the tempation is there as there is the whole 'maybe I will die quicker aspect' but it would suck if I decided I wanted to back out and found myself addicted to something dangerous. I do use cannabis but not in excess and I like to drink sometimes and will do other things on occasion.

And I used to think things would start getting progressivly easier when I reached adulthood, and I have learned that is not how it works so I agree about young adult hood being quite harsh. though I can't imagine it gets all that much better.

My plan is this, put a mask on until you get to a position of authority and then be yourself!

What did you want to be?

I wish I could tell you it has. After living on my own from 1985 to 2008, for twenty-three plus years, I have been living with my parents since Oct. 2008. My Dad is a cheap-shot artist and a mud-slinger from the sidelines. My Mom is more aspie than I am, she literally doesn't see my Dad's meanness. She wants us to be best buds. And even though she knows I don't want to be living at home and even though I have asked her for more space, she still impinges on my space and crowds me. It is a damn difficult situation all the way around.

I've made some poor career moves, to say the least. I moved to Las Vegas in 2006 hoping to sell furniture and play poker (!). Harder to get a furniture job than I thought it would be, the one I got didn't work out at all. The poker, I actually broke even. But the incidentals and the living expenses ate me up. Now, it's a statistically certainty, you will have slumps, even when playing well, just like baseball players will. You lose your rhythm, almost all players do, including playing overly cautious and timid.

Okay, I have learned social skills, including from both sales and poker.

I have high hopes for my SAT tutoring business. If I get twenty students on a Saturday, 35 dollars each, suddenly you're talking some real money. And I can start smaller than that, with one or two students.

I'm also winding my way to songwriting or back to screenwriting. See how I pursue long-shot things? But,. . I only need one of them to work out.

On the social front, I remember when I was 39, I dated a woman who I think was in her mid-40s. And it was wondrous. The sex was really excellent at times. She was on the rebound coming off a divorce, I think I wasn't her type. But, the positive note, women appreciate more character issues and less superficial issues as they get older. And I suppose us men do, too. I've had two relationships since. I'm going to be a little slower and not jump in with someone inappropriate (different type, not really into me). And I'm actually looking forward to telling my next potential girlfriend that I'm aspie.

So, you discovering that you're aspie pre- age 33, you have more of a power arc than I do.

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PS I like you analogy of the house! I probably will adopt it for H&R Block. The cracked septic tank with the smells, the skunks in the toolshed, and the killer in the neighborhood (that's the third-party bank "cross-collection," more on that later, and no, no, no, I'm not making fun of H&R Block, I'm merely quoting the California Attorney General word for word!)

I've had good times.

I've been both a school teacher and a retail manager of a copy center where I was respected.

Have you seen any good counselors?

I wanted to be a singer songwriter (http://samuelbertrand.com, not a shameless plug, just to show that I've been working hard at this for years, and got only a personal website to show for it, it's all recorded at my place by me, mixed by me, the website is by me, it's all only me, and I'm not saying this to brag, on the contrary, it's all by me because I never found NO ONE to help me, no agent, no label, no anyone attached to show-business in any way. Well this drummer did some tracks for me, but turns out in the end he was just using me, trying to manipulate me, he had no technical engineering skills and he wanted me to record his stuff. Long story.)

That or a scientist. I have a PhD in AI (getting the diploma is the easy part) but could only get sh***y jobs as a programmer (Ubisoft, Lockheed Martin) that I would always get fired from after a little while. Or forced to quit. Straight from the HR lady's mouth : "If I were you I would leave this place, your reputation is unrepairable." My reputation being something I did not quite understand. Probably it's guys on my team who f****d me over. Some were s**t programers but great politicians. And they all hired me equal to the guys who only had a high-school diploma or at best a B.Sc.

I also got a number of interviews I thought I did alright but was never called back.
I got into auditions for music festival, and sent demos everywhere. Never got anything back, except some form letters with the usual bla bla we're not looking for anyone like you right now.

I can't get a break anywhere. And I know why, people don't like me on a first impression.
And I think this is a important point, NTs are extremely judgmental and put way too much importance on first impressions.
What a bunch of f*****g as*holes honestly.
Yes, I'm seeing a CB-Therapist, but he can't change the balance of power.
It's a neurotypical world and we just live in it. Survive is more apt a word.

The more time passes, the more desperate I get, and the more repulsive I get.
No one likes desperation, it's like I'm covered with s**t.

Seems we're all in the same boat.
The temptation to just self-destruct with drugs or just kill myself is overwhelming at this point.
Putting on a mask didn't really work, tried it some, takes way too much energy.
And didn't work. And I would not want to become a manager, why would I want to manage people?
I want to create stuff, be it music or artificial intelligence.

Wow that sucks....I mean I don't even have any self recorded music or even a degree, but I do know how it feels to have skill and intelligence with some things but unable to use it because no one really gives a sh*t. but yeah I still don't have any great advice.

I appreciate your honesty. You do understand.
Most people just tell me "don't give up, I'm sure you'll succeed eventually, your time will come." And similar dismissive platitudes.